Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Paranormal Activity

I'm a huge fan of scary movies. But before I continue with this post, let me clarify, or define rather, what I think a scary movie is NOT.

A scary movie is NOT:
  • A slasher film with lots of blood and guts.

  • A lame ass plot with nothing but idiot bimbos running around in panties (I shudder at that word "panties". I just hate it. Hate typing it, hate saying it, hate it hate it hate it, but it was necessary).

  • A series of movies that just go on and on with nothing but the same type of plot, same type of killing, same type of garbage (Freddie Krueger, Halloween, Jason, etc...).

  • Plot so unreal it's impossible to fathom ever happening in real life. PRETEND IS NOT SCARY.

What IS scary:

  • Thrillers involving real life psycho killers (true stories for a less descriptive way of putting it).

  • The unexplained.

  • And paranormal activity.

I have been addicted to and own (even though it scares the living bajeezus outta me) The Discovery Channel series A Haunting, seasons 1, 2, 3, and 4. And all I can say is HOLY CRAP SCARY and AWESOME all at the same time. They took one of the episodes and actually turned it into a movie: "A Haunting in Connecticut" (which turned out so much lamer than the actual documentary because the director and screen writer strayed way off course of the real story).

Anyway, if you're a fan of the paranormal and the real life experiences people have had, I totally recommend watching these episodes. Granted, they are reenactments but they're made documentary style, and the real people involved are interviewed to share their story. Just watch out, not only is it scary, it's addicting.

And because I love this kind of stuff (especially around Halloween time), I'm dying to see this movie: http://www.paranormalmovie.com/trailer.html. The only catch is that this film is only being released in certain cities (Salt Lake is currently not one of them). HOWEVER, you can visit the web site (same link I just posted) and click "DEMAND IT". I myself have demanded it several times. But if you want to make me a happy girl, go and demand it for Salt Lake. And if you're a non Utah resident and want to demand it for your area, that would be okay with me too :)

If you live in a city where they are showing this, please go see it and then tell me all about it (without giving away the good stuff of course). And of course, if you have any wonderful ghost stories, or just spooky in general stories, please share :)

And to coin my favorite phrase (Jen G, you'll love this)...

"Know what would be cool?"

"If this blog was haunted!"

Monday, September 28, 2009

Weekend Recap

I am exhausted! I need a weekend to recuperate from the weekend!

Michael and I hardly rested. We cleaned, unpacked all the boxes that got shoved into storage upon our move with the intent to "unpack them later" and later finally came.

All I can say is we have a bunch of crap. Take the average person's pile of miscellaneous stuff (you know, the random cords, computer stuff, CD's old VHS tapes, random old cell phones, strange coats, faded blankets, etc...) and multiply that by two. That's right. Take all my stuff, all Michael's stuff, and that is what has been sitting, wait no, actually clogging up the two storage rooms in the basement. So you can guess what our weekend looked like.

Random piles decorated the floor of our basement family room. Piles for charity, piles for recycling, piles that we THINK we're going to keep, piles that we are keeping, and so on. We took four garbage bags full of clothes to the Big Brothers Big Sisters clothing bin, and there's about 12 cardboard boxes sitting in my kitchen waiting to be broken down and recycled.

There's tons of now empty clear rubber maid containers, and plenty more that I don't even want to sort through but need to be.

In addition to the sorting, there was cleaning and decorating. I had to put the last of our guest bedrooms together this weekend because of all the company I'm going to have. Both Mom and Grandma have heart surgery scheduled for this Thursday which means I'm going to have people staying with me. My uncle is flying in from Alaska, both my parents will be here, and then Grandma. So every one of my spare beds are taken (two queens and a twin). I'm so glad I have three guest rooms at the moment. Luckily I still have an office. I knew there was a reason we bought a home with 5 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. It's a lot of cleaning, yes, but it's also a lot of space when you need it.

Anyway, I'm a little nervous for the surgery. I'm a pessimist and can easily sit and think about all the things that can go wrong. Hopefully there won't be anything to worry about. I just need Thursday to be over, and have both Mom and Grandma well on their way to recovery.

At least for now, the house is almost ready for company. Almost.

Friday, September 25, 2009

What's The Point Again?

Here's a list I started of things that I find totally pointless:

  1. Sick Time- Isn't this just another vacation day? Even if you ARE sick, you're still taking a day away from the office. So why isn't it all just called vacation? A day off is a day off.
  2. Rap Music- Learn proper English. And grammar. Until then, just don't sing, er I mean, attribute to noise pollution.
  3. Leaf Blowers- I was driving to work on this crisp autumn morning and passed a guy standing in the gutter of a street blowing leaves towards the road. The cars whizzing by were blowing the leaves right back into the gutter. Remind me what the point of this leaf blowing contraption is for again?
  4. Black Licorice (which also includes Jagermeister)- nuff said.
  5. Working Fridays- Nobody puts in a REAL full day's worth of work on Friday. It's practically a ghost town around my office, and people aren't participating in work-related chatter whatsoever. So why don't we all subcum to the four-day work week? I for one am all for a 3 day weekend. C'mon, afterall it'll even up the work day/play day score a bit.
  6. Lawn Gnomes and other random yard decorations- Um... they're ugly.
  7. Blog Drama- Seriously, some people have such issues with blogs out there these days. Get over it, if you don't like someone's blog, don't read it. It's not rocket science.
  8. Double Sided Tape- It just makes a mess and never works like it's supposed to.
  9. Call ahead seating- Hi, we don't take reservations, but you can call ahead. Ummm... so if you do that, then why don't you just take a reservation?
  10. Wigs for babies- Yes you read that right. If you don't believe me, google it.

That's all I have for now, but if you'd like to contribute something you think is totally pointless, please do :)

And because it's Friday, have a happy weekend everyone!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


I did it. I chopped it off. 6 inches and all it's glory on the floor as I sit there in the salon gazing into a mirror, looking at a person I don't recognize. BUT IT WAS SO COOL.

I have had long hair all my life. But I've needed a change. Two weeks ago I came across a picture in a magazine of a hair style I loved (but it was short). I wanted to try it, but I was freaking out a bit. And then yesterday, something just clicked in my head and I decided I was going to do it. Yup, CHOP IT OFF. Considering how much hair I had, and how thick it is, chop is the correct term here folks. I kept looking at the pile on the floor and tried not to freak out but I almost lost it when my hair stylist said "We could make a wig out of all this hair! LOOK AT HOW MUCH IS ON THE FLOOR!" I snuck a peek but that was all I could handle. I didn't want to cry.

So now it sits just above my shoulders (I'd show you but I'm not anywhere near a camera right now). It's light, it's sassy, and it's provided me with a new feeling. Isn't it funny how refreshed you can feel when you get a new look? I kinda feel like a new person. And it's a good thing :)

Last night as Michael and I were laying in bed watching TV, all these commercials came on for hair products (of course I notice them, now that I'm paying attention). Hair color products, shampoo products, and so forth. And for a second I started to panic. These women all had long, lush, beautiful hair and for a moment, I wanted to put my hand behind my head and feel my long thick curls that were no longer there. So I turned to Michael in a moment of hesitation (a moment too late that is) and asked "Honey, do you think I'm going to regret cutting my hair?"

To which he replied "Yes, you will for now until you get used to it" which is probably the honest truth. That hubby of mine, he knows me so well.

But, when I woke up this morning and went to do my hair, I didn't regret it. I liked looking different for a change. I liked not having to brush my hair forever, and I like not having to put hot rollers in my hair, and then mess with taking them out, and then mess with the curls that didn't curl the right way, and then try to get some volume which was close to impossible because my hair is so thick that when it was that long it was heavy.

Nope, this morning I walked in, ran a brush through it, used a flat iron in a few spots, teased the top a little bit (and it actually stayed because all the weight is off the back), and walked out the door. WHY DIDN'T I DO THIS SOONER?!

Probably because everyone was always complimenting my hair, telling me how beautiful it was, how they wanted my curls, blah blah... it made me hold onto it. But now that I've let it go, I found that people love it. Everyone at work today has complimented me, and that feels great. They seem sincere, (not like, oh we better tell Michelle her hair looks cute because she obviously got a horrible hair cut) and I found that short or long, I am proud of my hair. It is beautiful, and it makes me feel beautiful. And that's okay. We all need something that makes us feel that way right?

Anyway, I'll fire up the digital when I get home and add a pic to the post so you can see/judge for yourself :)

Monday, September 21, 2009

It's the Little Things, I Tell You

Got a new windshiled this weekend.
Wrote a little song about it. Like to hear it? Here it go:

I can see clearly now the windshield's gone
I can see all obstacles on the road
Gone are the cracks and chips that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright, bright, bright sunshiny day

I think I can drive it now, the car I mean
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Passed inspection, the car is legal now
It's gonna be a bright, bright, bright sunshiny day

Look all around
There's nothing but streak-free glass
Look straight ahead, nothing but blue skyyyy eyyyyye eyye eyyye
eeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeesssssss (that last part makes more sense if you're singing this in your head)

I think I can drive it now, the car I mean
The plates read 10 instead of 09
And if I get pulled over they can't take my car
It's gonna be a bright, bright, bright sunshiny day!

P.S. This song is in no way related to the one you're thinking it is. And I am in no way infringing on any copywright laws. So get over it or I'll blow sunshine up your ass.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Warning: This Is Another Cynical Post

1.21 Billion

Any guesses on what that number represents?

Here, I'll mention it again with a clue: 1.21 Billion DOLLARS

Still need another clue?

How about this: 1.21 Billion Dollars and football.

If you guessed the cost to build the new Dallas Cowboys football stadium in Texas, then WINNA WINNA CHICKEN DINNA!

Yup, that's right. 1.21 BILLION dollars to build the new stadium for FOOTBALL. Sounds totally crucial doesn't it? I mean I can't possibly think of better ways to spend this money than on a football stadium. It would just be totally asinine to pour this money into the school systems so that classrooms aren't over crowded with students while supplies and text books remain outdated and limited at that.

It doesn't make any sense to provide 1.21 billion dollars to local charities that are trying to clothe and feed the needy (don't tell me there aren't needy people in Texas).

And it certainly doesn't make any sense to take 1.21 billion dollars and invest in medical research to promote finding cures to cancer, aids, heart disease, and other forms of terminal illness.

Nope. That would be crazy talk people.

What we need is football. And not just football, but a new 1.21 billion dollar kick ass stadium in which to play football. A place where a suite for the season will run you $200,000 bucks. Oh you want a suite for longer than a season? As in a lifetime? Okay sure. That'll be 2 million.

Don't worry, we have over 1700 restrooms so you never have to stand in line to pee, and over 800 concession stands to choose from so you never go hungry.

Yup, Dallas Texas has their priorities in order. And that my friends is football. Cuz where would we EVER be without it? And what oh what would we do if we didn't have a brand new, over sized stadium to play in?

What? Play in the old one you say? PSHA! Why would we do something silly like play in an already existing, perfectly fine stadium?

So even though we don't have enough money to educate, feed, clothe, and treat those who suffer from horrible medical issues, by GOD we still have football! That's right, everything is bigger in Texas (including completely idiotic ideas).

Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Good Ole Days...

You know what? I made a pretty good student back in my day. I liked it, I was good at it, and now I miss it. If I could, I think I would be a professional student. I love the environment of college (NOT high school) because of how it encourages personal growth and the exploration of education.

In addition to these things, being on campus provided me the opportunity to socialize WITH REAL PEOPLE! Not cubical infested zombies and arrogant top executives that are only good at perpetrating the issues behind what's wrong with society these days.

I was surrounded by people who were for 1- educated, 2- not brain washed, and 3- constantly working on personal improvements in the world of education and experience.

I miss them. I miss THOSE people. And I miss the social aspect of what that group provided me in terms of support, guidance, and appreciation. It's no wonder people area always saying to the younger generation "These are the best days of your life, so enjoy them!"

They say that because it's true. Those WERE the best days. After you graduate, you're supposed to move on to bigger and better things. I'm sure some have. In ways I have. But I don't consider them bigger and better. I consider them different. And I don't really like it all too much.

I miss things. Things like all my friends who ended up moving away or going their own ways after college. I've lost touch with so many people, and although face book gives us the chance to reconnect, I'd rather have that face to face time that I used to cherish, rather than read an electronic update.

I also miss the days of choir and theater. I had such wonderful creative outlets while in college. I had the means to do what I love. And for some reason, those things fell to the way side after graduation. Not on purpose, I tried to keep up with singing and participating in the arts, but my professional career seemed to take over. And not because I wanted it to, but because it had to. Nobody looks at the person who leaves everyday at 5:00 as someone who wants to move up the career ladder. Everyone is keeping their eyes open for the fool who comes in at 6:30 in the morning and then works through lunch and refuses to leave before 6:30 at night. I hit "unsubscribe" to that way of life long ago. Mainly because I didn't consider it healthy.

I loved that at college, topics changed. And quickly. From semester to semester, life was new, different, exciting. I was learning new things, reading and writing about interesting places, cultures, and my own thoughts were valued and commented on by fellow students and professors. Seems that sometimes in the working world, if you're not at the top, your ideas aren't valued. They are just...well, ideas that don't get executed because someone at the "top" had a better one.

I enjoyed ME more when I was in college. I liked who I was, and I felt valued and appreciated. I went to bed at night feeling enriched. Now I go to bed feeling fatigued and dreading the next day.

I know I tend to complain a lot in my blog, and all I can say is this blog is a reflection of me and what I'm thinking and feeling from day to day. Lately I guess I've been caught up in the corporate rut. Hopefully one day soon, this blog will be filled with posts of a more positive tone, but for today, I'm just missing what I realize now, were the good ole days.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

An Apple a Day...

So to sum it up, things went well at the doctor appointment. But I have to go in and have some lab work done.

Here's what we know so far: I’m anemic (big shocker there). They're going to check iron levels to see how bad things are (they were very low last time and I've been taking major iron doses ever since).

Because of my Mediterranean heritage, I'll be tested for Thalassemia (another form of anemia common in people of Mediterranean decent). And because Michael and I are starting to get ready for future baby, they'll also test to see if I’m a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis. If I am, then they’ll test Michael to see if he is, and then we’ll have a good idea what our changes of giving birth to a child with Cystic Fibrosis would be. Our doctor wants us to have this information BEFORE we make the decision to have Michael's vasectomy reversed. Which I think is a great thing.

Michael will have to endure some testing too. Basically, if a man has had a vasectomy for x amount of years, the body can start to recognize the sperm as an intrusion in the body and start producing antibodies (much like when you get a regular cold and your body starts to fight it off). Because it’s been over eight years for Michael, he'll endure some tests that will determine if his body has started to produce the antibody. If it has, then we won’t bother paying for a reversal, but rather, we’ll just extract sperm and do artificial insemination (if the sperm is okay).

If we end up exploring the artificial insemination route and that doesn’t end up working, we could explore the option of In Vitro Fertilization (if/when we have the budget to pay for it). But I don’t feel like it’ll come to that. My guess is that we’ll either end up doing the reversal or the artificial insemination. The tests will tell.

Other than that I talked to her a little bit about The CRAZY I had been dealing with, and the restless leg syndrome that has been driving me insane (which my doc mentioned could be related to the anemia). The RLS keeps me up at night and I haven’t been sleeping well for months. Doc wants to try and combat that first because she said if we could get me to a point that I’m sleeping, I’ll probably feel much better and won’t be dealing with the Crazy. I didn’t know how closely the two were related, but it makes sense. If you’re not sleeping then you’re cranky as shit and everything seems harder and/or worse. So we’ll see how that goes. For now, I’m on major iron doses and if that doesn’t stop the RLS, we’ll be adding additional medication.

So yeah, I'll post again once I've completed my labs and have the results. I know you are all fascinated to know my medical history :)

Monday, September 14, 2009

Even Though the Biological Clock Isn't Quite Ticking Just Yet

So tomorrow's the big day. Headed to the doctor for my annual appointment (oh fun) and Michael is coming with me so we can talk with the doctor about our future potential in terms of starting a family.

Things are going to be a little more complicated for us than they are for the typical wife and hubby in the regards to the fact that Michael had a vasectomy about 8 years ago. Therefore, before we can head down the yellow brick road to parent-dome, we have to get his plumbing hooked up, and working.

Supposedly, it takes about a year for things to heal and start functioning (with swimmers intact). We're really not looking to start a family SOON, but sooner than later. And, knowing that we first have to save money to pay for this procedure, and then wait about a year for everything to be in full swing, we figured now would be a good time to start the ball rolling in terms of planning, saving, and getting prepared.

Hopefully we don't run into any other complications along the way. This is going to be expensive enough (about 5 to 10K depending on the amount of scar tissue) and I'm hoping we're lucky enough that this works so we don't have to inquire about artificial insemination. Lord knows I'd lose my mind with quadruplets.

I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it, but for now, we're starting with a simple doctor's appointment and will hopefully be a simple conversation with the doctor.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Where Were You?

I can't believe it has been eight years since the horrible tragedy of September 11th struck our nation. It's crazy to think so much time has gone by and so much has happened in my life, and yet, it feels like yesterday. I can remember every detail of that morning.

I was getting up for the morning, preparing to head to my Spanish class on campus when my phone rang. "Turn on your TV, we're under attack!"

This is all I heard and I struggled to understand the words because I had just gotten up, and was still somewhat groggy. But I made my way over to the little 13" TV in my room and started to view what looked like could only happen in movies. Crazy.

Phone rang again. It was my friend Darla (who always blows things out of proportion) but she was in a panic yelling "Don't go to school today!"

The strange thing about the whole situation is that I wanted to go to school that day. I wasn't afraid because really, when is something like this ever going to happen to little ole Utah? I know I shouldn't say that, because really, something this horrible could happen at any given moment. But for some reason, I felt safe in Utah. Far far away from the horror happening on the east coast. And I wanted, needed to go to school that day to be with others. I didn't want to stay home alone in my apartment with the TV on. I wanted to be on campus surrounded by my friends, with people to talk to about the strange and horrific events that were occurring.

I remember driving to campus and looking up at the sky. Not a plane in site. The sky was completely empty. It was an odd, ghost-town like feeling.

I arrived on campus and went to my 9:00 Spanish class. My teacher was so flabbergasted at what was going on that she just stood up in front of the class talking about how awful this was. Then she started talking about things that had happened in her own country, when she was a little girl. She lived in Central America and had seen horrible things. But somehow, what she had seen didn't compare to what I saw that morning, in my own country. On American soil. I remember my teacher so upset and frustrated with the whole thing that she was rambling on and on slipping back and forth from Spanish to English.

When class got out, I went over to the student center and gathered around the big screen in the lobby with other students. We sat there and watched CNN for probably three hours. I don't remember much else from that day. I know I called my family. Even though they too were safe in Utah, I needed to hear their voices and tell them I loved them.

What is so strange to think about is that Michael, who I obviously didn't know at the time, was in Washington DC working just across the water way at the Marine Corps Museum. He was close enough to see the smoke. He was there. Where one of the planes had hit. I had no idea then, how connected I would be to this tragedy. Had I been married to Michael then, knowing how close he was, I'm sure I would have had a much different experience on that day.

Later that same year in March, I visited Ground Zero. There was nothing to see other than a pit of rubble, and two old iron beams that remained in the form of a cross after the towers fell. I was lucky enough to see the towers in 1994 and 1996 when I had visited previously. I have personal photos taken of New York's beautiful, but now altered, skyline. And in 2002, I saw what was no longer there.

I know I'll tell my children about this. I know one day they'll come home from history class and open the pages of their text book up and there will be a picture of the towers burning, and the rubble that would soon follow their collapse. I know they'll ask me what I was doing that day, and if I remember. And I do remember. And they'll ask me where I was and I'll tell them I was safe in Salt Lake. And then they'll ask Daddy where he was, and he'll have to tell him how close he was, and what he saw. And they too will realize how they are connected to something that happened before they were even born.

I do remember. And I always will.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

This Post Begs the Question: What Did I Do Last Night?

Um-- I am in pain. Lot's of pain. Pain that reminds me why I don't drink anymore. I'm experiencing a medical hang over.

Yesterday I had to take an oral sedative prior to the dentist appointment. I wasn't feeling much on my way there, and I even told my husband that they'd better be planning on giving me more because I wasn't phased in the least.

And give me more they did.

I had three more pills crushed up and placed under my tongue once there. And then the gas. The last thing I remember was the dentist giving me a shot to numb me and I didn't feel it, nor care what he was doing. The next thing I remember was being at home watching a DVD with my hubby.

I guess I slept all the way home. Michael put me into bed around 4:30 and I woke up around 8:30. Apparently I went downstairs and he made me mac n cheese, I drank a Dr. Pepper, and then we watched some more episodes of a TV serious we have on DVD.

I don't remember anything other than going to the dentist, and watching TV before bed. I emailed Michael this morning to ask him what all happened last night because I didn't remember, but that I was SURE he had made mac n cheese. I just wanted to verify that I hadn't made the whole thing up in my head.

Today I feel horrible. I'm fighting the urge to spew all over this key board. I'm clammy, sweaty, worn out, and my head feels like someone struck me with a baseball bat. Oh, and my mouth hurts. Cold water is killing my back molars on the left side, and I can't chew with them either. Therefore I look like a chipmunk when eating.

I think next time I'll fore go the cavities, the cleanings, and everything else. Give me veneers (or dentures) cuz at this point, I'm DONE with the dentist.

Oye vey

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Time to Get a Little Mouthy

UGH! I have to go to the dentist today.


I HATE the dentist.

It seems like my mouth is super sensitive to EVERYTHING the dentist does. Including his little assistant in hot pink scrubs who feels the need to rip my gums to shreds when she flosses my teeth. Hello, I'm a big girl, I can floss, and I manage to do it without tearing my mouth apart.

I think I hate the dentist because of how much I had to have done as a child. For starters, I was so good about brushing day and night, while getting my little brother Dallas to brush his was like pulling teeth for my mother (pardon the pun). And yet ever time we'd go for our check ups, Dallas would walk away without a single cavity while I would have one or two. LAME.

Then, as I got a little older and my parents realized how messed up my grill was, it was decided I was going to have to wear braces. In order to get my mouth ready for braces (and make room for all the teeth I had coming in) I had EIGHT TEETH PULLED. Yup, you read that correctly.

I'll give you a second to pick yourself up off the floor after reading that. No problem.

You back? Great.

Eight teeth pulled. My eye teeth, and the rest were molars. Now this didn't happen all in one sitting (I heard you breathe in a sigh of relief there). Nope, it happened in two. Two awful times I had to go in and have four teeth ripped out of my mouth. It was miserable. Both times.

Then, I got braces. I was told I would be wearing them for two years. Well, two years turned into FIVE YEARS. And anyone who has ever had braces knows you have to go in once a month to get them adjusted WHICH HURTS LIKE HELL.

So yeah, I had junk in my mouth for five years, I had teeth pulled on numerous occasions, I had cavity after cavity after cavity. I've had enough.

Today, I'm having four new cavities filled. NEW ONES since all the work I had done in December. I can't win. BUT, because I've turned into such a wimp about going, and the pain, I have a dentist that provides oral sedation to the wimps like me. Yup- today I'm popping a pill that will send me to the moon until my cavities are gone. I've never done this before so I'm sure it'll be a strange experience, but hey, I'll take strange over that damn drill any day.

Wish me luck! I'll be cavity free (for at least a day).

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The Crazy

I think something is wrong with me.

Scratch that. I KNOW something is wrong with me.

Not that you want to know all about my problems, but this is my blog, so shut up. (I mean that in the nicest way possible by the way. No really, I do).

I'm having some issues. Actually, I've been having some issues for quite some time. And I can't seem to get to the bottom of it, or fix anything, or find motivation to do anything, and the list just goes on and on.

To be honest, I don't even want to write this post. But considering it seems to be the only thing on my mind lately, I'm hoping that writing about it will help.

This morning I googled the symptoms to depression and guess what folks, I'm a key candidate. Shocker, I know. Actually, if you read the symptoms, I can see how easy it would be for 90% of society to "self diagnose" themselves with depression. It's not like there's a lot of symptoms that most people haven't had or have this very second. However, I think the key to really lumping yourself into this category is having MOST or even ALL of these symptoms.

I think the biggest thing getting me down is that I know I SHOULD be happy. I spent three years waiting for my husband to come home. I spent even longer than that dreaming about one day owning a house that was mine. And for the last 2 1/2 years, I dreamed about getting out of a job that was making me crazy. All those things have finally changed. Michael is home now, we bought a beautiful home, and I left the horrible job that was breaking me down. But the most frustrating part of all of this is knowing what I SHOULD be feeling and feeling quite the opposite. It makes me want to pull my hair out, but then I'd be bald and I'd rather be depressed WITH hair.

I have a lot going for me, and I'm well aware of this. I have a loving husband who would do anything for me. I have a wonderful family who supports me in all my endeavors. I have timeless friends who accept me for who I am and provide me the opportunity to just be myself without having to practice censorship (friends are wonderful things). I have a beautiful home in a wonderful area, a secure job, an adorable puppy who I love to no end, a masters degree, and the list goes on and on.

This should be enough right? I should be satisfied. And yet, my day is plagued with negativity that I can't seem to escape. It doesn't matter what goodness I'm surrounded by, I can't seem to extinguish The Crazy. I like to refer to the cynical, negative, ornery voice inside my head, helping me to find something wrong with EVERYTHING, as The Crazy.

But lately, I've noticed other things too. Things that go beyond The Crazy. Physical things. For example:

1- My ability to NEVER STOP EATING. Even when I'm full it's like my head is saying to me "You need something sweet, now you need something salty, NO SWEET! NO SALTY! Crunchy, now soft and chewy! And it just goes on and on and on and on....

2- I'm tired ALL THE TIME. I NEVER have any energy. It doesn't matter if I get 3 or 13 hours of sleep, I'm ALWAYS TIRED.The fact that I can go to bed at 10:30 and lay awake tossing and turning and thinking and tossing and turning and.... until 1:30 in the morning, PISSES ME OFF! And it's not that I'm not tired (see above) BECAUSE I AM. But I still can't seem to fall asleep. I'm either too hot, too uncomfortable, or my legs (God, my legs) will NOT QUIT moving. Yeah, I've looked into Restless Leg Syndrome a few months ago when this started up, and my doctor put me on iron. Problem is, I'm still having issues with the legs. When I finally do fall asleep, it's not a deep sleep. I've always been a light sleeper, but this is horrible. The house will creek, I'll wake up. A dog in the neighborhood will bark, I'll wake up. I have to roll over, and I wake up every time I do. And on my days off, I'm not sleeping in. I'm waking up and then fighting with myself to stay in bed and GET SOME SLEEP.

3- I've gained weight. Of course, this is bound to happen when you feel like eating ALL THE TIME.

4- I have no motivation for anything other than going home, putting on the fat pants, and lounging around the house watching TV or any other leisurely activity. Why? Because by the time I get home from work, I'm exhausted. Did I mention I'm not sleeping?

5-I hate getting up and going to work. And I shouldn't. I work for a good company, and great people. But honestly, I don't want to be here. I'm too busy thinking about going home and taking a nap. I sit at my desk and think about nothing but 5:00 because that's when I get to leave. I can't focus, I'm not interested in projects (mostly because I don't feel like they are really marketing projects, more like project management projects and I really miss doing marketing), and also because, I just don't have the energy to give 110% anymore.

6- I have a short fuse. I'm Italian, and with that comes a minor temper and impatience. But it's much worse now than it usually is. I can lose my cool at the drop of a hat. And unfortunately, it's with my husband over things like not letting me push the shopping cart (how silly this is, I know), or at rolling his eyes at me when I ask him to get me a razor when I'm in the shower. Or because he left the dog outside before he left for work AGAIN which means I have to take 10 minutes of my time to track her down and beg her to come in the house before I go to work (I don't have time for that!), or because he isn't doing something fast enough (did I mention my lack of patience). So yeah, my fuse is short, and I take it out on the person I love the most. Not good.

7- Money- I'm always worrying about and trying to avoid the responsibilities that comes with money (paying bills, budgeting, oh that evil B word, planning, and saving). I hate it all.

8- I'm jealous of people who seem genuinely happy. I want what they have, I want to be happy too.

9- I can call bullshit on just about anything because lately, everyone seems fake. I've lost patience with people. The way they drive, the way they answer their cell phones in movies, the way they flash a fake smile and ask how you are even though they don't care, the way they piss me off about everything lately.

Before you start giving me advice, let me advise you that I KNOW these things aren't normal. However, when I read about the symptoms of depression, I realize that these things ARE normal for someone who suffers from The Crazy, and these things ARE NORMAL for the greater half of society. I guess it's a relief to know The Crazy has a name, and I'm not alone. But that doesn't make it any less frustrating trying to live with it.

And I HAVE been on medication before. About a year ago this same time, my doctor prescribed me Zoloft to deal with what she called "Anxiety" because at the time, the symptoms I had pointed more towards anxiety than depression. Apparently that has changed. But I guess the good news is that I recognize that they have. I have an appointment next week with my doctor, and I think I'm going to mention The Crazy to her in the hopes that she can suggest some options. I'm just dreading hearing the word "prescription" because I don't want to have to pop a pill to solve these problems. Is there any other way?! :(

Monday, September 7, 2009

So NOT Okay

Even though I'm not a mom yet, there are certain things I already know I will NEVER do as a mother. One of those? Take my kid to target in just a diaper and t-shirt, and let him run through the parking lot BARE FOOT!!!

Oh, and then Mom sped off in a car with no plates. None on the front, none on the back. Her priorities are clearly jacked up.

What is wrong with parents these days? I'm the only one who thinks this is NOT OKAY?!

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Fall Just Threw Up All Over My House

Yup, ALL OVER. I had been threatening my husband for two weeks that I wasthisclose to decorating the house, and yesterday it finally happened. I LOVE fall. I love the colors, the smells, the sweaters, the yummy warm foods, and of course Halloween (I didn't put Halloween decorations up yet though, I'll save that for another few weeks).

This house is so fun to decorate, and especially because we haven't lived here an entire year yet, so decorating for each season will bring new excitement. One thing I LOVE about my house is the fire place and the mantle that spreads the length of the entire wall in the family room. Half the wall is brick with the fire place in the center, and then a red oak mantle completes the finish and then a light cappuccino paint finishes off the wall. I have a big red clock hung above the fire place and I just love how cozy the room feels. Yesterday, I covered the entire mantle in fall foliage and glittered pumpkins, squash, and apples. I also speckled the foliage with deep red and orange sunflowers, pussy willows and an adorable plaid fall ribbon is strewn throughout.

The other wall has a large window box that opens up behind the sofa. I hung a fall wreath on a wreath hanger in the window that matches the mantle, and some cute wooden pumpkins. There's also a copper metal tray with fall candles that smell of sugar-spiced pumpkin. I just love my home :)

Then, when I was done decorating, I made pumpkin, chocolate-chip cookies. It's such a quick and easy recipe. All you need is the following:
  • 1 spice cake mix
  • 1 can of pumpkin (small size not the large)
  • 1/2 bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips

  • Warm oven to 375 degrees
  • Mix dry cake mix, pumpkin, and chocolate chips in mixing bowl
  • Drop batter from spoon on cookie sheet and bake for 17 minutes.

These cookies are SO SOFT, and yummy (not to mention super easy).

If you want to get fancy, you can add vanilla, cinnamon, and cream cheese to the batter. Just add to taste. If batter gets too gooey, thicken with spoon full of flour.

So for those of you who enjoy fall as much as I do, add this cookie recipe to spice up your fall festivities!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

That's Great, But Can He Throw a Ball?

Dear Today Show- I watch you every morning. And, for the most part, I love your news content. I say for the most part because this morning, one of your stories made me cringe a little. And here's why:

By now, most avid news readers/listeners/watchers have been introduced to Kaleb Ellus (the young student who saved the lives of 22 passengers on a school bus in western Mississippi when a 14-year old female student pulled a .380 semi-automatic handgun out and started threatening to shoot and ordering the bus driver to pull over). And, as expected, The Today Show covered this great story and what a heroic thing Ellus did. However, the coverage of the story seemed a little absurd considering the secondary focus of the story was that Ellus is a “football star." Really? As in, REALLY? Because I’m sure he’s much more than a black kid who is talented when it comes to playing football.

Everyone interviewed in this story (besides the local sheriff) was somehow affiliated to the football team. I don’t get it. I really don’t. This whole thing didn’t have one thing to do with football (other than Ellus plays it). The crime didn’t take place during football practice, or on the football field, yet everyone has to keep referring to this kid as a football star and commenting/interviewing his football affiliates. And then the interviewer had the nerve to ask the football coach "Do you think he was able to do this because of the skills he learned in football?"

Oh, I'm so sure *rolling eyes*. This would have been my response: "Oh of course, definately. We train all our players how to put themselves between semi-automatic weapons and possible victims. The kinds of skills gained from these types of trainings go hand in hand with their abilities to score touchdowns in the game of football."

*cough* Bullshit! *cough*

I’m so tired of the fact that sports gets more attention than academics in this world. Think about it. Sport stars get paid the bookoo bucks to play with balls while academic book worms are getting paid little to nothing and sit in a cubical all day with artificial lighting. Sports activities are always promoted more in high schools than academic activities. I’ve never heard of a pep rally for the debate team or the science fair. But by god, they’re pulling kids out of class for assemblies to get everyone revved up for the “big game.” Ridiculous.

So why, when a smart, college bound kid, with good grades, comes along and does something heroic like place himself between a .380 semi-automatic handgun and 22 students, do we focus on the fact that “OH! And he plays football!”

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

What Do Crazy People and Gas Stations Have in Common?

What is it with me and gas stations? I swear, every time I stop in to fill up, some crazy lunatic is there. Remember the "Have your servants do it" guy? Well today was creepy bike guy.

I leave my house for work this morning and my gas light comes on. Living only a few short blocks from a convenient store, I pull in to fill up my tank. As soon as I insert the nozzle into the gas tank, I notice a strange oriental guy sitting on his bike at the entrance of the store, just staring at me. "Here we go again" is exactly what I'm thinking.

I continue to fill up my car and he continues to stare. To the point that I'm getting uncomfortable. Obviously, his purpose of being there wasn't to go inside the store, but rather, to sit and watch. Oh, and he kept looking around as if he were taking notice of how many people were in the parking lot and paying attention.

Then, he starts to pedal his bike and rides right up to the front doors of the store. He acted as if he were going to actually park his bike in one of the parking spaces meant for cars. But he just stayed on his bike. He sat there looking in the store like he was deciding if he should go in or not. He kept looking to his left, his right, and behind him like he was casing the joint. It was at this point when he looked behind him that he noticed I was watching him. In fact, he was so aware that I was watching him that he turned his bike around.

At this point, I was going to leave. Even though my car wasn't quite full yet, this guy was creeping me out and I didn't want to be around when something went down. But just as I was about to pull the gas nozzle out of the tank, he rode past my car and looked at me while saying "What's up?".

I politely said, not much and then quickly hung the nozzle back up and sealed my tank. I then rounded my car and got inside, immediately pushing the lock button for the doors. I started my car and flipped around so I could exit and there he was, sitting on his bike in the exact same place he was when I had just started to fill up my car. He was doing the same thing too. Looking around, seeing who was there, who had noticed him, etc...

As I pulled out so I could exit, he waved at me. I ignored him and drove off. He seriously gave me the creeps. And although I don't know what he was up to, I can tell you it wasn't anything good. I didn't want anything to happen so I decided to call the police and report this strange behavior. However, I didn't have the number to the station. And not wanting to call 911 (because you should only use that number in the case of an emergency), I called my husband at work and had him look up the number for me.

I'm going to program this number into my phone. This is probably something everyone should do. Figure out which police station is closest to your home and program the non emergency number in your phone. That way, when you're in a situation like I was in this morning, you aren't without a number to call. I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier, but now I know I'll never be looking for the number again.

Nor will I ever be filling up with gas at this creepy station either. Not sure why, but I run into all the crazies there.

Tip: When you know you're going to call the police to report something, make sure you pay close attention to details. Things like height, weight, hair color, clothing, etc... they ask a lot of questions and the more details you can remember, the easier it is on the police.