Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The Crazy

I think something is wrong with me.

Scratch that. I KNOW something is wrong with me.

Not that you want to know all about my problems, but this is my blog, so shut up. (I mean that in the nicest way possible by the way. No really, I do).

I'm having some issues. Actually, I've been having some issues for quite some time. And I can't seem to get to the bottom of it, or fix anything, or find motivation to do anything, and the list just goes on and on.

To be honest, I don't even want to write this post. But considering it seems to be the only thing on my mind lately, I'm hoping that writing about it will help.

This morning I googled the symptoms to depression and guess what folks, I'm a key candidate. Shocker, I know. Actually, if you read the symptoms, I can see how easy it would be for 90% of society to "self diagnose" themselves with depression. It's not like there's a lot of symptoms that most people haven't had or have this very second. However, I think the key to really lumping yourself into this category is having MOST or even ALL of these symptoms.

I think the biggest thing getting me down is that I know I SHOULD be happy. I spent three years waiting for my husband to come home. I spent even longer than that dreaming about one day owning a house that was mine. And for the last 2 1/2 years, I dreamed about getting out of a job that was making me crazy. All those things have finally changed. Michael is home now, we bought a beautiful home, and I left the horrible job that was breaking me down. But the most frustrating part of all of this is knowing what I SHOULD be feeling and feeling quite the opposite. It makes me want to pull my hair out, but then I'd be bald and I'd rather be depressed WITH hair.

I have a lot going for me, and I'm well aware of this. I have a loving husband who would do anything for me. I have a wonderful family who supports me in all my endeavors. I have timeless friends who accept me for who I am and provide me the opportunity to just be myself without having to practice censorship (friends are wonderful things). I have a beautiful home in a wonderful area, a secure job, an adorable puppy who I love to no end, a masters degree, and the list goes on and on.

This should be enough right? I should be satisfied. And yet, my day is plagued with negativity that I can't seem to escape. It doesn't matter what goodness I'm surrounded by, I can't seem to extinguish The Crazy. I like to refer to the cynical, negative, ornery voice inside my head, helping me to find something wrong with EVERYTHING, as The Crazy.

But lately, I've noticed other things too. Things that go beyond The Crazy. Physical things. For example:

1- My ability to NEVER STOP EATING. Even when I'm full it's like my head is saying to me "You need something sweet, now you need something salty, NO SWEET! NO SALTY! Crunchy, now soft and chewy! And it just goes on and on and on and on....

2- I'm tired ALL THE TIME. I NEVER have any energy. It doesn't matter if I get 3 or 13 hours of sleep, I'm ALWAYS TIRED.The fact that I can go to bed at 10:30 and lay awake tossing and turning and thinking and tossing and turning and.... until 1:30 in the morning, PISSES ME OFF! And it's not that I'm not tired (see above) BECAUSE I AM. But I still can't seem to fall asleep. I'm either too hot, too uncomfortable, or my legs (God, my legs) will NOT QUIT moving. Yeah, I've looked into Restless Leg Syndrome a few months ago when this started up, and my doctor put me on iron. Problem is, I'm still having issues with the legs. When I finally do fall asleep, it's not a deep sleep. I've always been a light sleeper, but this is horrible. The house will creek, I'll wake up. A dog in the neighborhood will bark, I'll wake up. I have to roll over, and I wake up every time I do. And on my days off, I'm not sleeping in. I'm waking up and then fighting with myself to stay in bed and GET SOME SLEEP.

3- I've gained weight. Of course, this is bound to happen when you feel like eating ALL THE TIME.

4- I have no motivation for anything other than going home, putting on the fat pants, and lounging around the house watching TV or any other leisurely activity. Why? Because by the time I get home from work, I'm exhausted. Did I mention I'm not sleeping?

5-I hate getting up and going to work. And I shouldn't. I work for a good company, and great people. But honestly, I don't want to be here. I'm too busy thinking about going home and taking a nap. I sit at my desk and think about nothing but 5:00 because that's when I get to leave. I can't focus, I'm not interested in projects (mostly because I don't feel like they are really marketing projects, more like project management projects and I really miss doing marketing), and also because, I just don't have the energy to give 110% anymore.

6- I have a short fuse. I'm Italian, and with that comes a minor temper and impatience. But it's much worse now than it usually is. I can lose my cool at the drop of a hat. And unfortunately, it's with my husband over things like not letting me push the shopping cart (how silly this is, I know), or at rolling his eyes at me when I ask him to get me a razor when I'm in the shower. Or because he left the dog outside before he left for work AGAIN which means I have to take 10 minutes of my time to track her down and beg her to come in the house before I go to work (I don't have time for that!), or because he isn't doing something fast enough (did I mention my lack of patience). So yeah, my fuse is short, and I take it out on the person I love the most. Not good.

7- Money- I'm always worrying about and trying to avoid the responsibilities that comes with money (paying bills, budgeting, oh that evil B word, planning, and saving). I hate it all.

8- I'm jealous of people who seem genuinely happy. I want what they have, I want to be happy too.

9- I can call bullshit on just about anything because lately, everyone seems fake. I've lost patience with people. The way they drive, the way they answer their cell phones in movies, the way they flash a fake smile and ask how you are even though they don't care, the way they piss me off about everything lately.

Before you start giving me advice, let me advise you that I KNOW these things aren't normal. However, when I read about the symptoms of depression, I realize that these things ARE normal for someone who suffers from The Crazy, and these things ARE NORMAL for the greater half of society. I guess it's a relief to know The Crazy has a name, and I'm not alone. But that doesn't make it any less frustrating trying to live with it.

And I HAVE been on medication before. About a year ago this same time, my doctor prescribed me Zoloft to deal with what she called "Anxiety" because at the time, the symptoms I had pointed more towards anxiety than depression. Apparently that has changed. But I guess the good news is that I recognize that they have. I have an appointment next week with my doctor, and I think I'm going to mention The Crazy to her in the hopes that she can suggest some options. I'm just dreading hearing the word "prescription" because I don't want to have to pop a pill to solve these problems. Is there any other way?! :(

1 comment:

  1. Coming from someone who knows ALL ABOUT The Crazy... the first thing you have to get over is that you are taking a pill to solve your problems. The pill is taking away what is causing you not to be able to solve your problems on your own. Its not changing who you are, its helping you be who you are without The Crazy. And it all sucks, believe me, I know. But if popping a pill makes you feel better, more in control, and most importantly, HAPPY, isn't it worth it?