Where did I sign up for this? I want to know. Show me the dotted line that I signed stating I was more than willing to participate in this monotonous, day in day out crap?
I’m tired (and obviously bitchy).
And right after I get the chance to ask where I signed up for this, I’m going to ask about the concept of money. Why? It’s just something that made the entire human race slaves to life. It made us greedy, powerful, dishonorable, poor, prisoners, miserable, etc.... It sucked the life out of any life we had a chance of living.
We go to work. Why? To make money. Why? To survive. And yet, is what I’m doing on a daily bases really surviving? Being miserable all the time? Is that living? The needle is stuck and yet the record isn’t scratched.
When am I ever going to have the chance to travel the world and put my toes in every body of water that exists on this planet? When am I going to have the chance to sleep until I’m not tired, so I can wake up feeling refreshed and alive? When am I going to have the chance to spend the day doing what I want, how I want to, for as long as I want to without the pressures of a job and bills and responsibility constantly looming in the back of my mind? When am I going to be free? Free to LIVE OUTSIDE of a fucking box?
Am I depressed? Maybe. Hell, who wouldn’t be living within this record stuck on repeat? Maybe everyone who is depressed is actually normal because we SEE REALITY and those who aren’t are the ones living in a crazy fantasy.
This world is full of SICK. Power hungry bullies, liars, cheaters, killers, losers, betrayers. This world is sick itself. Disease, poverty, pain, pollution, death (now you know why I don’t like watching the news anymore- I can already tell you what’s on because it’s been on the last 30 years of my life). New channel please.
I’m not angry or bitter (really, I’m not although the tone of this post probably comes across that way). I’m just tired. I’m tired of feeling trapped. I’m tired of being too tired to escape. I’m tired of hoping for change. I’m tired of working so hard just to live like this. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of feeling this way.
I had the strangest dream last night. My old 8th grade teacher had given us a photography assignment to capture 4 images of ourselves in everyday objects. I don’t mean literal reflections in objects, but more like symbols, or representations of us in objects.
My one friend started taking pictures immediately, of bright, soft, round objects like fuzzy polka-dotted slippers. She was moving very quickly as if she didn’t need to give the assignment much thought.
I think I wanted to capture this because I somehow knew the barrel had been placed over the soil where the bulbs of the flowers had been planted, and yet with the barrel there, the flowers were able to still break soil and simply grow around the barrel. I was in total awe of this. And yet, I was taking the picture from inside the car instead of outside in front of the flowers.
As I was walking down the path, I recognized a large white and grey wolf ahead of me, also walking on the path, in the same direction as I was so her back was to me. But I knew she would catch wind of my scent as soon as the breeze carried it to her. I was afraid because somehow I knew she had babies somewhere waiting for her, and she was out searching for food.
As soon as this thought crossed my mind I saw the wolf stop walking and turn around to face me on the path. I quickly dove behind a large rock that was along the path in the hopes that she wouldn’t find me because I knew she’d turn around and come looking. As I hid there, I pushed snow around on the ground looking for a large rock. I was searching for any kind of weapon because I was fully aware that I was too far from the road to get help. When I looked up the wolf was facing me, her body prepared to attack. She was growling at me, salivating, and showing her teeth. She wanted me out of there.
These dreams seem to have two common themes and a common color as I think about it: White, Being trapped, and survival. The white flowers trapped under the barrel survived by growing around the barrel. I was trapped behind a large rock, face to face with a white wolf. But I survived by killing the wolf. Is my conscience trying to tell me something? Am I simply in survival mode right now?