Happy Earth Day!

Wow, it's Earth Day already. I remember celebrating the fact that I'd won tickets to go see Disney's "Earth Day" like it was yesterday. But here we are again, another year, another birthday for Mama Earth.

What are you doing to celebrate? Are you gathering up a bunch of recyclable stuff? Or perhaps purchase eco-friendly bags at the grocery store to eliminate your use of plastic ones? Speaking of eco-friendly bags, Target is giving out free ones this week, one per family, per purchase and they are awesome.

I celebrated Earth Day by working in my yard. I pulled tons of weeds, raked my little heart out, dug in the dirt, and planted oodles upon ooddles of flowers. My husband says I "have a problem" when it comes to flowers. This translates to he thinks I buy too many. My response was that perhaps people will be distracted by our beautiful flowers and see past the awful, nasty grass that needs some serious attention from my husband (Michael, if you're reading this, remember I love you!).

I spent about three hours in the yard yesterday and another three hours today. Let me tell you, .23 acres is bigger than it seems. So for those of you considering buying a home, pay attention to your lot size and keep in mind that you will be caring for it so don't bite off more than you can mow :)

Don't worry, I just took a long hot bath and downed a bunch of drugs so hopefully my muscles won't be too stiff tomorrow. I'm hoping I can still sit and walk and all that good stuff. But I guess I can't complain. Got a good work out in today without going to the gym and I got to do it all outside.

I hear it's supposed to get cold and nasty this weekend. I hope all the cute petunias I planted don't go into shock. But that's spring in Utah I suppose. However, if it's going to rain then bring it on. We need all the water we can get. So Mama Earth, I know it's YOUR birthday and all, but could you be so kind to send us some water? I know the little flowers I just planted will appreciate it :)

Whatever you're doing to celebrate, be green and enjoy!

Guest Blogging

Hey gang,

I'm guest blogging today over at The Olive-Tree and sharing a totally yummy, delicous, mouth-watering entree. So ya'll better get your butts over there and check it out.

By the way, The Olive-Tree is a great place to get all kinds of recipes if you're ever wondering what to make!

Enjoy!

Opinions Needed!

Remember that post, the one about things in the works that are exciting and new?

Well... those things are very close to being done which means a new business for myself coming to fruition. I have a couple packages put together for the services my business will offer, and I'm looking for anyone who is willing to take a look at those packages and provide me with their honest feedback and opinions.

If you haven't already received an email (dear friends who read this blog, you already have a letter in your inbox), and if you don't think I have your email address, post a comment on here letting me know you'd like to be involved in sharing your feedback and opinions.  

Thanks in advance if you do, and if not, that's okay too...You'll just have to wait a little longer to find out what's in the works :)

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Well, we did it. Michael and I joined a gym on Saturday. I haven't belonged to a gym for four years. And that's four years too long.

I have gained weight since getting married. I'm not going to say how much exactly, but let me put it this way: TOO MUCH. I'm tired of going to my closet and letting my clothes dictate what I'm going to wear for the day based on how they fit and feel. I'd much rather be the one in charge picking out something I WANT to wear and having it look good when I put it on. I don't remember how long it has been since that has happened. I do know that it has been TOO LONG.

I got comfortable after marriage while my clothes got uncomfortable. I have several containers labeled “Skinny Bitch Clothes” that are full of things I’d like to wear but can’t right now. And considering most of that wardrobe consists of clothes from Ann Taylor and Banana Republic, I can’t bring myself to donate them to charity. I keep promising that I’ll wear them again. I’ll lose the weight. And then… I don’t.

I think I struggle with weight because of my genes for one, but also because I’m my own worst enemy. You see, I've never been happy with my body. EVER. I would even go as far to say that I remember being very young (like 3rd grade) and hating the way I looked. I was always the short, stumpy girl. My friends were always the tall, skinny girls and I remember wanting to look just like them. Yup, I WANTED to look like a bean pole because that would me that I could fit in and look as tall and skinny as they did. My mother would laugh and say "Michelle, you have a cute shape. You have hips and curves and you'll appreciate them some day."

Some day never came.

I remember being in junior high and high school wishing that my body wouldn't fill out like it was. Wishing that I could just grow a little bit taller to catch up with the girls I was running around with. I'll never forget the day I was at the mall shopping for school clothes before starting the 7th grade when I started crying in the fitting room at 5.7.9 because I actually had to start wearing junior sizes. I put on a pair of size 1 pants and the tears started streaming down my face. All my other friends were still purchasing size 14 and 16 in the KIDS section and I had already graduated to the junior sizes, a heffer size 1. What a horrible, awful thing. Funny how now I would pass out with sheer joy if I actually fit into a size 1 pair of pants. But back then, that size 1 was the largest size ever and it meant I was fatter than all of my friends.

My mother would get frustrated with me because I wouldn't wear tank tops as a young girl and teenage (I didn't want to show my flabby arms), nor would I wear skirts above the knee (who wanted to see my fat thighs?). Granted, part of it was the Mormon church and my friends that attended that had me all confused about the rules of modesty. My friend Ashlee refused to wear a tank top because the church says you shouldn't show that much skin (little did I NOT  know that the church was referring to those who wore garments and how they should wear the appropriate clothing to cover them) Apparently then, I took the "modesty rules" WAY too seriously (and so did my friends who I was afraid would judge me if I actually wore something cute).

I never really could appreciate the body I had because I was constantly plagued with the fact that I was shorter and stumpier than everyone else. I didn't look like the girls on the cover of Teen and Seventeen. And I certainly didn't look like my friends who were destined to be 5'7, 5'8, and 5'9. I remember the summer before starting high school where I actually kept a binder with measurements of my body, a work out regime, and a strict diet because I wasn't going to buy fat girl clothes to start high school.

Now what I wouldn't give to be wearing the size I started high school in.

I think it's amazing that I never developed an eating disorder. I enjoyed food too much to be anorexic, and the thought of sticking my finger down my throat to puke was enough to turn me away from being a bulimic. But I never was happy with my body image. I never was confident in myself or how I looked, and I let it keep me from doing many things that I wanted to do, back then and even now. I mean, for crying out loud, I even wore a girdle under my Preference Ball dresses. And to be honest, I had no gut to hide at that age. But I sure thought I did, and I made damn sure I didn't leave the house without it on. Turns out I was uncomfortable in every single dress I ever wore to a formal dance by wearing that stupid "sucker-inner" to look skinnier. How lame now that I think about it.

So here I am. Nothing has changed. I'm still uncomfortable with how I look (only for good reason this time because I actually weigh as much as I feel when I look in the mirror), and I'm still afraid to do things I want to do, wear clothes I want to wear, and be who I want to be. My lack of self esteem has stopped me from doing a lot of things, including taking better care of myself.

And now that I finally have the body to match the way I'm feeling, I decided enough was enough and I joined a gym. I also got up this morning and drank a nutritious breakfast shake. I bought things like apples and spinach at the store yesterday, and I even bought diet soda for the first time in years (yes, I know how bad regular soda is for me and that it has played a large part of my weight gain). I am counting my calories and watching my carbs and buying things like gym pants and sports bras in the hopes that I can find a thinner me somewhere inside this body I have hated for 29 years and 10 months.

But I know that all these things aren't going to replace the hatred I have for the shape I was born with. I know all the dieting in the world can't take away the fact that I hate my 5'0 frame, wide hips, broad shoulders, and stubby limbs. I can diet all I want, but I've yet to figure out how to love myself and the way I look (fat or thin).

Maybe one day there will be some beauty magazine that provides and article that covers the ten steps to a healthier frame of mind, or information about a program that will teach me how to appreciate myself and who I am. I've read too many "Healthy Recipes Under 100 Calories!" I've read too many "Beauty Tips for Gorgeous skin, Flawless Make-up, Shiny Hair and Blah Blah Blah." I need to find the one article that helps me get past all those other things so I can accept who I am and appreciate the body God gave me, without any of this wishing I were this or that.

I'm turning 30 in two months, and I don't want to spend the next 30 years hating the reflection in the mirror.

In the Works

So I know I haven't written in a bit and I'm sure you've all just been sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for it (ok, not really) but things have been somewhat busy round these parts.

For one, Michael and I have completely renovated the office. Yes I took "before" pictures but I haven't taken the "after" pictures because there are still a few details to take care of. But I will post pics as soon as it all comes together (which won't be long).

I'm loving how everything turned out. I went with a color that is so out of my comfort range that I was actually a little scared but I decided to trust my instincts and it turned out AWESOME! You'll have to wait to see what it is :)

We also put up wallpaper (first time in my life). It's a cool wallpaper because it's paintable, so you put it up, let it dry, and then paint it whatever color your little heart desires. There's a pattern in the paper too and when you paint it, the pattern takes on a sheen which makes it stand out a little more. It's textured and is actually a lot of fun. I'll post some up close pics of that too so you can see what I'm talking about.

So- why the home office remodel? Because I'm going into business for myself. That's right folks, I'm going to be my own boss. I'm actually partnering with a girl who is going to run one side of the company while I run the other so to speak. And that's all I'm going to tell you for right now. I know, I know... this post is a whole bunch of not telling and not showing isn't it?

You'll just have to wait and see what's in store. But rest assured, it's gonna be great!