It's funny because it seems the older I get, the harder a time I have feeling the Christmas spirit. For Michael and I, this is our first Christmas in our new home, and all through November I was so excited to decorate for Christmas. I'm really happy with the way everything turned out, it's very cozy and warm, but that Christmas spirit is kind of missing this year.
I'm not sure if it's because I'm getting older and with each year comes the higher realization that Christmas is such a commercialized event, or if it's the fact that Michael and I don't have any little kiddos running around the house just yet (because c'mon, kids really are the ones to make Christmas exciting), or if it's because of all the blahs I've been surrounded by. Not sure if it's a little from Column A and a little from Column B combined with Column C, or if it's one particular thing specifically, but regardless of what it is... it isn't what I'm used to feeling around Christmas.
For the past three years, I've always anticipated the holidays because I knew that was when I would get to spend a solid two weeks (or at least close to two weeks) with Michael because I knew he'd be coming home to me for the holidays. When you have to go two to four months between visits, it's pretty damn exciting when you get to see one another. This year, Michael is already here-- and don't get me wrong, that's a WONDERFUL thing, but now I'm looking for that something else to provide Christmas excitement.
Two posts ago I wrote about how fragile life is in general. It's been a rough three months in terms of loss, and just all around dumpiness in terms of friends and family losing loved ones. And it seems that dark cloud didn't exclude us as I learned of the death of a relationship: My brother's relationship with his soon to be ex-wife.
The Tuesday after Thanksgiving, Dallas told us that he and his wife were getting a divorce. This came as quite a shock to Dallas as the decision wasn't a mutual one; rather, he was told by his soon to be ex that she wanted a divorce.
Now Dallas isn't perfect, and I'm sure he contributed to the conflict in the marriage (after all, there's two sides to every story and it takes two people to fall in- and out- of love). However, Dallas is my brother, and therefore my alliance is with him. I hate to see him heartbroken. I hate to see him so angry about all of this. I hate to see him disappointed that he has to move back in with mom and dad and live in the basement. So needless to say, going home for Christmas this year is going to be a tad bit depressing. Mom already warned me that they're not really in the Christmas spirit right now. She didn't even want to put the tree up because nobody feels like being festive, and I totally understand (although she put it up anyway in an attempt to be merry and bright).
So yeah, I'm not really looking forward to celebrating this year. I'm not really looking forward to driving home and experiencing first hand, the gloom that must be lingering among the festive packages and bows.
But that's life right? It's not always going to be good times. It's not always going to be perfect. But at least I have a family to drive home to. At least my brother is alive and well (although heartbroken and angry). At least we get to be together even though we aren't the merriest of families at the moment. We have to stick together through the good and the bad, Christmas or not. Because that's what families do.
Things could always be worse. I'm learning that as I get older (funny how that happens).
But a tiny little part of me (the selfish part of me) is wishing things could be a little merrier. After all, it is Christmas, right?
I've been kind of feeling that way myself. I definitely think it has something to do with getting older. My husband and I keep saying, "When we have kids Christmas is going to be an AWESOME time of year." Well, why can't it still be awesome NOW? Kind of sad =-(
ReplyDeletethat is so sad about Dallas. At couldn't really come at a worse time of year - geesh. At least they don't have kiddos. I don't think it's just you, a lot of people aren't really in the mood/spirit this year. And just so you know those of us who come from families of divorced parents, this is how every holiday feels, we run around and run around like crazies and never really get to enjoy it. I think its all about attitude and its hard to be happy and positive all the time. Try to remember that you aren't alone and we all love you. If you haven't already done so doing for others always makes me feel better. Try to find a charitable cause - donate cash or services, etc. Just a thought...
ReplyDelete