You Do Brush, Right?

I hate the dentist. More than I hate grasshoppers. And that's saying a lot.

Last November I had a lot of work done. Mainly because I hadn't been to the dentist in a long time. I blame my lack of visits on not having dental insurance (that happens when you lose a job), that, and having worn braces for 5 years turned me completely off to having anyone mess with my mouth. Oh, and did I mention I don't really respond to Novocaine so that whole numbing thing? It takes FOREVER to happen (if it happens at all) and then I stay numb forever.

So here's a recap of what went down in November:

• 6 new cavities (like I said, I hadn't been to the dentist in a LONG time)
• Replacements of all the old metal filling with the new fillings (that appear natural so teeth don't look like they are full of metal)
• Deep cleaning (this is where they literally lift up your gums and clean underneath them)

Needless to say, I was freaking out. That's a lot of crap to have done. The dentist told me I'd be there for at least 4 hours. Therefore, I opted for oral sedation. That's right. I paid a whopping amount of money to have an anesthesiologist come put me under so I could get all this stuff done in one sitting (I guess this isn't too uncommon for people having major work done, like getting wisdom teeth pulled). I did this so I could do everything in one visit, so I could be in la la land while that damn drill was wreaking havoc on my mouth, and so I wouldn't have to deal with the excruciating pain. PAIN- I HATE PAIN.

I went back to the dentist on Tuesday for my yearly check up. I'm thinking no problem! With all the work I had done in November, the deep cleanings, the new fillings, and all that jazz, there's no way I'm walkin' outta here with bad news.

Boy was I wrong.

Three. THREE. THREE WHOLE CAVITIES. Actually FOUR if you count the "baby cavity" that is starting up that my dentist wants to deal with "before it becomes a full blown one" when he takes care of the other THREE (did I mention I had three new, NEW cavities???)! I guess they are all in between my teeth, not in my teeth. Oh the joys. I didn't even know you could get cavities between teeth.

To make this visit even more joyful, while I'm laying there with a totally pissed off/stressed out look on my face (because I'd already started to imagine the sound of that damn drill in my head), my dentist looks at me and (trying to be funny) says, "You do brush, right?"

Ha. HA HA. HA HA HA HA HA! You're sooooo funny mister dentist man. Where is that god damn tooth brush. I'll show you how I brush, bend over!

Just kidding. I didn't say that.

After he realized that I did NOT think his joke was funny, he explained to me that I suffer from soft enamel and that I probably need to brush and floss more often than most people. Great. You tell me this now. NOW after I have three (wait, four) new cavities. How convenient, since you'll be getting paid for every time you drill a damn hole in my mouth.

He asks me what color of tooth brush I'd like for my "goody bag". Who the hell hands out goody bags at the dentist? I mean, c'mon. It's the dentist. I tell him none. Keep them for the kids. I have one at home (a rather expensive Oral B spinning toothbrush that I'm particularly fond of cuz oh, I thought it was WORKING). Then he says he's gonna give me some tooth paste that focuses more on enamel protection rather than tarter control. Super! Just dandy! Whatever...

Guess I'll be back in the chair on September 9th. Yay. I can't hardly wait. Maybe I'll be able to develop a few more cavities before I get there so we can make it a real party!