Friday, March 13, 2009

I Don't Even Know Where to Start

Let's get one thing straight (okay, maybe more than one thing):

  • For starters, I don't like "super hero" movies. And yes, I do use the term "super heroes" lightly (it was hard enough trying to sit through Dark Knight).
  • Second of all, I don't like movies where the plot is based on these so called "super heroes" saving New York, the world, the universe, etc... from bad guys, nuclear devastation, zombies, or whatever else "super heroes" are supposed to save us from.
  • Third- I don't like watching ooey, gooey, gory violence where people's heads get bashed in over and over with an ax, or where someone gets their arms sawed off, or little girls get eaten by dogs (I'm getting nauseated just thinking about it now).
  • Fourth (yes there's more) I don't enjoy watching an eyeless super human who glows blue and walks around with his flacid penis swinging in the wind.

If you haven't figured out what I'm talking about yet, it's the horrible, wretched, never should have been written, directed, or produced movie "The Watchmen" (a film that should otherwise be titled "Watch This and Regret Wasting Three Hours of Your Life on This Shit").

I don't even know where to begin. You might notice that I'm writing this post at 11:30 PM because I can't go to sleep until I vent about how flipping ridiculous the last three hours of my life have been. I know, I know, I just wrote about how awful "Rachael Getting Married" is, but I would gladly watch that five times in a row before seeing "The Watchmen" again.

We begin at 5:30 this afternoon when I talk to my friend David. He tells me that he and Tracy are going to see "The Watchmen" tonight, and Michael and I are invited to join them if we like. I hadn't heard anything about the film but Michael's eyes lit up as soon as I said the name of the movie so I decided to google it to see if there was a movie trailer I could watch. There was, and it didn't really tell me much about the movie other than 1-it was about a glowing blue super human, 2- it looked totally lame and 3- by lame I mean a total guy movie that would be nothing but a silly plot with lots of explosions and men in masks pretending to be more awesome than they really are.

HOWEVER- Michael is really great to sit through chick flicks with me. He usually lets me pick out the movies we see, he goes shopping with me and doesn't nag when I want to try on a billion sweaters that look just like ones I already own. THEREFORE- I decided to be a good wife and agreed to go to the movie (even though I was 99.999% sure it was going to suck ass and I would hate it). Oh the sacrifices we make for the people we love.

OH.MY.GOD. I have never Never NEVER endured sitting through such a horrible movie in my ENTIRE life (probably becuase I make a huge effort to never watch these types of movies for that specific reason). Not only did it keep going and going and going and going and going and going and going and (you get the idea), it was miserable, disgusting, and although I'm ransacking my vocabulary here, I can't seem to find the words putrid enough to describe it.

Three house later we step out of the theatre and my mood is ill, foul, and almost as bad as this movie was. I live for the weekends. Specifically Friday nights because it's the one night where I can be excited that I have two full days off ahead of me. The night where I let all the tensions of the week behind me go, and I exhale and enjoy. I guess I'm still waiting to enjoy this Friday (I might be another seven days out).

I had to come home and take a hot shower to cool off. I seriously couldn't be more pissed off that I sat through this crap. Needless to say, Michael is fired from picking movies. However, he did apologize to me in the car, expressing that he didn't know how horrible it was going to be. In his defense, he really didn't know it was going to be as bad as it was. But he's still fired from picking movies for at least three years (one year for each hour of pain I suffered watching this crap tonight).

If I could review this piece of crap show, (and thank God I can't because there isn't a newspaper out there that could print the words I'd have to use) there wouldn't be enough negative stars to rate this movie.

Trust me, don't see it. Just don't. And if you have children, don't allow them to see it. Really. There's naked man parts for three hours, brutal violence where the cameras hold nothing back, and a horrible sex scene where Little Miss Sunshine and Batman's wanna be brother get it on in a fly-mobile to a horrible version of the song "Hallelujah". People who went to see this movie should be fired from going to see movies (but since I went, I can't really support that statement so never mind).

Anyway, I'm going to try to go to bed now and dream of rainbows and unicorns and fluffy little puppies with cute noses and bright eyes and soft fur- basically anything to make me feel better than I do now.

Dear God, please grant me the serenity to accept the movies I cannot change, the courage to stay away from the ones I can, and the wisdom to never let my husband pick another movie as long as it's one we'll be watching together.


  1. So I'm going to go out on a limb and say you didn't like it?

  2. I just want it to be known that I didn't think it looked good either, I just knew it was a big film in terms of film history and all this talk forever about "the movie that could never be filmed" so I wanted to see if that was so. It was all right aside from (and this is a BIG aside from) the big blue penis waggling all over, the HORRIBLE violence that I really wish I hadn't seen and the fact that it was 3 hours long...wait a minute...maybe I didn't like it.

  3. I don't think I could stand 30 minutes of a movie containing rainbows and unicorns and fluffy little puppies with cute noses and bright eyes and soft fur...let alone 3 hours. :)

  4. Trust me Mudd- if you were to actually sit through this crappy movie, you'd be begging for something with rainbows and unicorns and fluffly little puppies with cute noses and bright eyes and soft fur...Besides, who are you kidding? We all know about your obsession with unicorns :P