that's what she said

Little Red Hen

2010-12-29T23:33:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I feel like the Little Red Hen.

You know the story right? The one that goes:

The Little Red Hen

The little Red Hen was in the farmyard with her chickens, when she found a grain of wheat.
"Who will plant this wheat?" she said.
"Not I," said the Goose.
"Not I," said the Duck.
"I will, then," said the little Red Hen, and she planted the grain of wheat.
When the wheat was ripe she said, "Who will take this wheat to the mill?"
"Not I," said the Goose.
"Not I," said the Duck.
"I will, then," said the little Red Hen, and she took the wheat to the mill.
When she brought the flour home she said, "Who will make some bread with this flour?"
"Not I," said the Goose.
"Not I," said the Duck.
"I will, then," said the little Red Hen.
When the bread was baked, she said, "Who will eat this bread?"
"I will," said the Goose
"I will," said the Duck
"No, you won't," said the little Red Hen. "I shall eat it myself. Cluck! cluck!" And she called her chickens to help her.

Let me just sum this up by saying that I am starting to feel like if I don't do things, things don't get done. And I say that because I have literally spent every day of my holiday "vacation" working in one form or another (with the exception of Christmas day).

I've done all the holiday decorating. If I didn't put up the tree, nobody would have.
I did all the shopping and wrapping, all the holiday baking and decorating, and all the holiday clean up as well (if I didn't put our tree away it'd still be up come July).
I've prepared homemade meals such as soups and spaghetti and then watched the dishes pile up in the sink for weeks because if I don't do them, nobody does... but oh how those meals were gobbled up.
I've purged the cold storage and made piles for donation (that will probably sit where I put them for weeks) and cleaned and organized to the point that I had to purchase icy-hot for my lower back because I can hardly move.
And although I'd love to spend a day just relaxing and enjoying my time off, the floors still need swept and mopped, the bathrooms still need scrubbed, laundry needs folded AND PUT AWAY INSTEAD OF PILED ON THE DRESSER, and other odds and ends require attention. MY attention because nobody else seems to care.

Last week was my husband's Christmas vacation. He and his son spent the week camped out in the basement watching movies, playing video games and munching on goodies.

This week is my holiday vacation and I've spent it working on my personal business endeavors, in addition to cleaning up all the holiday mess, and scrubbing the house. Some vacation eh? I need to go back to work just to get rested.

And yes I do work a full time job in addition to keep up the house. Also in addition to starting and growing my own business. So yeah, I'm exhausted to say the least. And I'm losing my patience, and growing ever so frustrated because the more tired I become, the more grouchy I feel like being (it's not rocket science that one thing leads to another).

So yeah, from now on, feel free to call me the Little Red Hen.
Too bad a wife wasn't under the Christmas tree with a name tag that said To: Michelle From: Santa. I sure could have used one. Maybe I'll ask for a maid for my birthday in June. That is, if I'm not dead from exhaustion before then.

Happy freakin' new year everyone.

Then and Now

2010-10-28T12:39:00.003-06:00

It's a glorious thing when you find yourself in the right place, at the right time, and you're content with all that's around you. Especially if/when you've experienced an absence from this for so long.

2009 was quite a challenging year. There were wonderful things, challenging things, and bad things and overall, it was quite a struggle.

The wonderful things were the fact that my hubby came home to Utah for good after serving with the military for 20 years. No more long distance marriage and that was a beautiful thing. We also purchased and fixed up our very first home. Also a wonderful and exciting thing.

But it seems like even though these things were wonderful, they didn't seem to win over the negativity in my life in 2009.

I was working for a company I despised, in a job that I hated, for a boss who didn't pay any attention to his team, and passed me off to another guy who thinks women have no place in the work force. This environment was such a horrible one to spend 40 hours a week in that my enthusiasm for life quickly dwindled into something numb and barely even noticeable.

In November of last year, I lost a good friend to suicide and the situation still haunts me, especially with the changing of the seasons this year and the reminder of the sadness I was filling this time last year. Losing Billy was unexpected and it generated a pain that won't soon be forgotten.

My brother went through a nasty divorce during the holidays last year. This seemed to put a damper on the Christmas spirit and all things holiday related.

And even some of 2009's negativity spilled over into 2010 as I lost my job the last week of January. (I use the term "lost my job" loosely as my desire to get rid of that God-Forsaken place was as mutual as their desire to get rid of me and my threatening ability to take the marketing department above and beyond what it had the potential of being with the current people running (or lack of running I should say) the show. But they paid me some nice hush money considering the unconventional way they went about the situation).

But all that being said, even though 2010 started off rough, it has turned into something wonderful. I bid farewell to the negativity that was surrounding me on a daily basis (starting with the job). In fact, getting out of that place was the best thing I ever did. Blessing in disguise if you will. Walking out of that building, I took the first steps towards getting on the path I'm on today. And what a difference it has made!

In February I started thinking of turning my dream into a reality. I started talking, thinking, planning, and praying about starting my own company Utah Events by Design. I started believing again in my talents and abilities to start this new adventure instead of second guessing them. I picked a theme song to inspire me, to pump me up when I hit bumps in the road, to help me remember that what I was doing was going to be worth it. I selected Distant Dreamer by Duffy and listened to it once a day if not more on my computer or ipad or in the car, or wherever I could. It was MY SONG and my source for energy.

I started developing my business and all the things that went along with it to help make it a success. I started writing a business plan and developing a web site, and a facebook fan page, and blogging about the adventure, and signing up for networking groups and events, and making progress in a direction I'd always wanted to go in (go but never did because the timing wasn't right).

I started doing things for ME. I started dreaming for ME. I started planning and executing these plans for ME. And guess what? It is paying off!!!

In the last 3 months I couldn't be more thrilled with where I am in life right now. I'm running a successful business, working with clients that I enjoy working with, doing what I love doing, and being successful at it. I couldn't ask for more.

And, to bring in some extra income while I get my business off the ground, I'm consulting for a company that I adore. I work with a wonderful team of supportive, positive, and talented people who I enjoy being surrounded by on a daily basis. This opportunity has presented such a healthy environment that builds me up, helps me improve my existing strengths and teaches me as I go. I can't say enough about how wonderful it is to find yourself in a place you belong, in the time you are meant to be there.

I was even lucky enough to receive what I call "a sign" when I was doing my very first event. I was at the venue, had just pulled out all the decor I was going to set up, and decided I needed some music. I turned my iPhone on and went to the iPod and hit shuffle. Mind you, there's about 14,000 songs that could have started playing from my library, but guess which song came on first?

That's right, Distant Dreamer.
(I have a witness who can verify this).

The very moment the first few notes of that song started playing, I smiled and shed a few tears in the same breath.

And I realized, It's okay to be proud of yourself. It's okay to be confident and unsure about the future all at the same time. But most importantly, it's okay to be happy even if you're not quite standing at the top of the hill looking down just yet. It's okay to be in the right place at the right time, experiencing the exact moment you've been dreaming of, and to be satisfied and content in that moment, and perhaps a little unsure about what's to come next but confident that it will be just as good. It's okay to feel all this and know it's right all at the same time. It's okay to be happy.

And I am :)

And for This One Too

2010-09-15T22:05:00.002-06:00

Between the Lines: Sara Bareillis

Time to tell me the truth

To burden your mouth for what you say

No pieces of paper in the way

'Cause I can't continue pretending to choose

These opposite sides on which we fall

The loving you laters if at all

No right minds could wrong, be this many times

My memory is cruel

I'm queen of attention to details

Defending intentions if he fails

Until now, he told me her name

It sounded familiar in a way

That I could have sworn I'd heard him say it

Ten thousand times, oh, if only I had been listening

Leave unsaid, unspoken

Eyes wide shut, unopened

You and me always between the lines

Between the lines

I thought I, thought I was ready to bleed

That we'd move from the shadows on the wall

Stand in the center of it all

Too late, two choices, to stay or to leave

Mine was so easy to uncover

He'd already left with the other

So I learned to listen through silence

Leave unsaid, unspoken

Eyes wide shut, unopened

You and me always be

You and me always be

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say

I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on

Wait for me, I'm almost ready when he meant let go

Leave unsaid, unspoken

Eyes wide shut, unopened

You and me always be

You and me always between the lines

Between the lines, between the lines

2010-09-15T14:01:00.002-06:00

Thank you, dear sweet and creatively talented Sara Bareillis, for this song:

Word came through in a letter,

One of us changing our minds.

You won't need to guess who, since I usually do,

Not send letters to me that are mine.

Told him I saw this coming,

That I'd practically packed up my things.

I was glad at the time that I'd said I was fine but,

All honesty knows, I wasn't ready, no.

And so here we go bluebird,

Back to the sky on your own.

Oh let him go bluebird,

Ready to fly,

You and I,

Here we go.

Here we go.

This pair of wings worn and rusted,

From too many years by my side.

They can carry me, swear to be,

Sturdy and strong but see,

Turning them on still means goodbye.

And so here we go bluebird,

Gather your strength and rise up.

Oh let him go bluebird...

Oh let him go bluebird!

Oh let him go bluebird.

Ready to fly,

You and I,

Here we go.

Here we go...

Utah Weddings.com

2010-08-20T18:34:00.001-06:00

Have you been checking out my business adventures? If not, get your little tooshie over to my site and check out all the exciting goings ons :)

One big announcement is located on the blog and has something to do with Utah Weddings.com (only Utah's biggest and bestest wedding web site dedicated to brides planning their big day).

So what are you waiting for?! Go check it out :)

Announcements and Excitement

2010-08-15T00:56:00.000-06:00

WOW! Where do I begin?

How about I start with all the exciting things that have been going on...

1. Utah Events by Design has LAUNCHED!!! Check out the web sit here!

2. Utah Events by Design is sponsoring a 5K run in September in support of the Carmelite Nuns of Salt Lake City and Sister Mary Joseph. For details about the event and registration, check out the facebook fan page for here!

3. Utah Events by Design participated in its first vendor event at La Caille on Thursday.

The event was fantastic. I was able to introduce the business to lots of interested people and potential clients, and I formed some awesome connections with women in business like me. I even secured a new vendor for the Utah Events by Design "Preferred Vendor Program" which is so exciting. Read all about it here on the Utah Events by Design blog.

And last but not least, check out the Utah Events by Design fan page on facebook and click the "like" button to receive the latest news and happenings with the company.

Thanks for your support guys!

Visit and Vote!

2010-08-02T19:45:00.003-06:00

I've been working with my good friend and photographer, Michael Giordano on the development of my web site and the identity of my company, Utah Events by Design. His wife Elisa is also a very talented designer and has created some absolutely STUNNING pieces that will serve as my future advertising efforts for the company.

I just wanted to take a moment to thank styleGIO for their talented efforts, give them a 5 star review (they are seriously awesome) and direct you, my readers, to their web site: http://www.stylegio.com/

I have known Michael for over 15 years and have always appreciated his talent for photography. Right now, he is participating in an Austin Fashion Week in Texas where he and his wife reside. Please join me in supporting their talents by clicking here to vote for them.

If you want to read more about Austin Fashion Week, click here.

On behalf of styleGio, I want to thank you in advance for your support and votes!!!

My Life In the Fast Lane

2010-07-29T01:02:00.003-06:00

Life has been jam packed and totally crazy as of lately. I've been sort of a loser when it comes to blogging this summer but I have good reason (and if you've been reading, you know my excuse is a pretty good one considering I'm in the middle of getting ready to launch my own business):

And guess what?! The busy, crazy, sometimes long days sitting in my office glued to my laptop have started to pay off.

For one: I have an ad (a beautifully stunning ad by the way) getting ready to be published in the 2011 Utah Weddings guide. This is an awesome opportunity simply because this book is free to brides all over Utah and is handed out at every single bridal fair during the year. It's also awesome because only three people are allowed to advertise per bridal section. For example, only three florists, three caterers, and yes, three wedding designers. AND I AM ONE OF THEM who will be advertising in 2011 :) *I did a happy dance by myself in my office the day I landed this ad space and my two dogs confirmed with one another that I am crazy and they are under my loving care. You should have seen their faces.

Second: Utah Events by Design is participating in its first social networking event on August 12th at La Caille. The Salt Lake City Chamber of Commerce is having a Women in Business Summer Social and Utah Events by Design will not only be there, but will be participating, corporate style. Yup, that means a booth, handouts, business cards, and lots and lots of networking, schmoozing, making friends, call it what you will... I call it making future business contacts. So as you can imagine, I've been busy getting ready for this exciting affair. Oh how I love me some exciting affairs.

Third: Official web site will launch within the next two weeks. YES!!! *Another happy dance* I remember the cool spring day that I spent sitting out on my deck with laptop in hand as I began to craft the concept for this site, and exercised my writing skills and began to draft web site copy. Now all this intense labor is starting to pay off as my web site is coming to fruition. And many thanks to StyleGIO for being such an incredible design firm to work with. Not only is the ad mentioned above simply stunning, I LOVE my web site!!!

Fourth: The awesome fan page on FaceBook. If you aren't a fan of Utah Events by Design, you should be because everyone needs to know an awesome event designer. Simply search Utah Events by Design and become a fan people! Trust me, you'll enjoy being a member of the fan club. And, there's lots of fun things to come in the near future including event planning tips, creative ideas, and a slew of other great stuff.

Fifth: I am working closely with a bride for her October wedding and we purchased awesome fall-themed decor tonight for her big, fat, fall reception and I LOVE IT! Rich reds, outrageous oranges, brilliant browns, and tons of sparkles will adorn the Gathering Place at Gardner Village in October, and it will be lovely.

Okay, I think you're all caught up for the most part. Don't worry, I won't keep you in the dark. I'll be posting on here as well as on FaceBook about the official launch of the web site because I know you're dying to check it out!

Hope all of you (the friends I know and the strangers I'm lucky enough to have reading/stalking my blog) are having a fantastic summer! Thanks for dropping by :)

I Had a Dream

2010-07-15T02:04:00.000-06:00

Should anything ever happen to me be it tomorrow or 50 years from now, I want this song played at my funeral. I know, you're thinking geez, way to be morbid, Michelle. But I'm serious. I love this song and it says everything that needs to be said. Perfectly. Simply. Sweetly.

The song is Dream by Priscilla Ahn:

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream

I'm Still Here

2010-06-30T08:16:00.000-06:00

I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth or anything, just been busy trying to get my business up and running. I've spent the better half of June conducting market research, writing a business plan, and meeting with folks at a local business center who help start up companies get going.

This business plan has pretty much been my life, day in and day out for the past few weeks. But I am learning so much writing it, and I know it's going to be important to have if I decide to venture out for a small business loan.

I've also been busy working with my designers on a logo, business cards, and a web site. I've finished writing all the web site copy, and my logo has been finalized, but my web site is still currently in the works. If you'd like to check out my logo, you can see it at http://www.utaheventsbydesign.com/ (and go ahead and bookmark that as it is the future home of my web site once it's up and running).

So yeah, Utah Events by Design is on its way! I've already taken care of a lot of logistical things like applying for and receiving my official Utah State Business License (that was kinda cool to get in the mail), and I've secured a silent business partner/investor which is great news because starting a business aint cheap people. Especially if you want to advertise your business.

Okay, you're asking "What exatly does your company do?" Well... here ya go:

Utah Events by Design will provide creative, quality, and stress-free event design and planning services to those seeking assistance with events within the Wasatch Front. The three service categories Utah Events by Design will focus on are listed below with subcategories that illustrate some, but not all, of the specific services offered within each category:

Weddings

• Variety of full service packages offering wedding design, planning, and coordination of ceremony and receptions.

• Honeymoon planning and coordination packages for the groom.

• Bridal luncheon and wedding shower planning and design.

• Bachelor/bachelorette party planning.

• Pre/post wedding events (rehearsal dinner, wedding night accommodations, honeymoon).

• Personal design sessions for weddings and receptions.

• Vendor selection, referrals and contract negotiations.

• Venue selection and contract negotiations.

• Wedding budget organization and tracking.

• Personalized bride and groom check lists.

• Day-of event direction.

• Miscellaneous wedding-related celebrations.

Social Events

o Retirement parties.

o Graduation parties.

o Private Parties.

o Anniversary celebrations.

o Baby showers.

o Birthday parties.

o Going away parties.

o Welcome home parties.

o Family reunions/celebrations.

o Baptisms/confirmation celebrations.

o Bar Mitzvahs.

o Quinceaneras.

o Miscellaneous celebrations.

Corporate Events

o Holiday parties.

o Grand openings.

o Executive retreats.

o Seminars/conferences.

o Appreciation/recognition events.

o Non-profit events.

o Conventions.

o Trade shows.

o Launch of business.

o Fundraisers.

o Miscellaneous celebrations.

Whether it’s a wedding anniversary, retirement party, graduation celebration or just a good old party, Utah Events by Design will approach any event with detailed, advanced planning and flawless execution. Utah Events by Design will work closely with clients to make sure their event reflects style, taste, and personality. From an intimate party to a big bash, Utah Events by Design will manage any themed event with detailed strategic planning and thorough execution to surpass all expectations of its clients and their guests.

And there you have it! And now you know why I haven't blogged in three weeks. And know you know why I'm kinda sorta going crazy in a kinda sorta good but stressful way.

Stay tuned for more details, and watch for a web site coming soon!

30 Years Gone By

2010-06-07T15:46:00.001-06:00

Well, today is the big day. It's the day I join the 30 and up club :) Yup that's right. It's my birthday and my 20's are gone. As of 4:03 AM, this little girl officially became 30 years old.

Some people freak out when they turn another year older. They freak out even more when they hit a "landmark" birthday. But no freak outs here. I'm doing fine. Really, I am! And I think it's because I have so much to look back on and be thankful for. For instance:

I married a wonderful man three years ago and in just under two weeks we'll be celebrating our third year anniversary. He's the kind of guy who makes my life complete. I spent almost my entire 20's looking for him and now that I'm 30, I plan to spend the next decades enjoying that I've got him :)
I am starting my own business. More details to come as I am currently in the process of getting my web site built and taking care of all the paper work involved in getting my official business license in the state of Utah, but I'm actually going to be doing something I love and I'm trilled about it.
I have a beautiful home that my husband and I purchased a year and a half ago. We've spent time turning it from a house into a home that we both love and enjoy spending time in. We've made this place ours and I suspect that somewhere along the course of my 30's, Michael and I will start a family in this home.
I've been lucky enough to travel to foreign places, and see so many wonderful things. Including the many trips I have taken in the US, I have also been fortunate enough to see Italy, New Zealand, Germany, France, England, Canada and Alaska and Hawaii (yes I know they are part of the US, but not part of the "Continental US").
I have a solid education. Although I'm currently working on my final project, I have completed all the course work for my master's degree. I always promised myself that I would further my education and I'm happy to say that by 30 years old, I only have one project left to complete before there is a second college diploma on my wall.
I have wonderful friends and family who remind me every day just how lucky I am to be living this life. I have such an amazing support system full of people who make me feel so loved. And they make me laugh too, which is just as important. And I also have an amazing grandma that I share this birthday with. Yesterday she and I were able to spend it with family and I am so blessed to still have her in my life. She's an amazing, strong, loving, and special woman who has given me so many things to be thankful for. Happy Birthday Grandma Mary!!!
I still have dreams. Dreams of one day owning a little piece of beach front property, dreams of being successful in my business, dreams of being a loving wife and good mother, dreams of living the next 30 years to their fullest. And as I look at the list I just created above, there's no doubt in my mind that the next 30 will be just as full and happy as the last.

Facebook and Its Funny Friends

2010-06-03T09:06:00.001-06:00

Some people can be so funny. Or strange. Or uptight. Or maybe just too self-conscious?

I'm a little annoyed over something that happened to me last night regarding Facebook and a comment I made on one of my friends' pictures. This person is a great friend. One who I have enjoyed spending much time with and have developed memories with over the past 8 years. She inspires me in many ways and makes me laugh in many others. However, last night she sort of left me going... "Really? Are you serious?"

Now for some back history. This friend and I used to lay out at the pool of her apartment almost EVERY WEEKEND in the summers. During the week, we were hard at work, but on the weekends if the sun was shining, you can bet we had our swim gear on, our toes painted, and our beach towels ready. We soaked up every ray of sun in Salt Lake City and sported our tan skin everywhere we went. Now although I'm Italian and can soak up my fair share of the sun beams, my friend can soak up more. She's got some awesome legs and they were always a nice golden brown in the summer time (much more golden than mine).

WHICH IS WHY...

I thought it okay to poke a little fun at her not so tan legs in a picture. I simply said "Dang girl! Those are some white legs. You need to get working on that tan. Remember when we hung out at the pool sun tanning all summer? I was just thinking about that today :)"

I thought this was a harmless comment, but apparently she did not. Not 2 seconds after I left it, I received a text message on my phone telling me to delete it. I replied back saying "You know I love you" to which she replied "I know, so delete it." (Here is where you can insert the "Really? Are you serious?!" thought).

The funny part is, when I went to delete it, it was already gone. She did it before I had the chance.

Now yes, I realize how silly all this is, but it seriously got me thinking about how funny we behave on Facebook and other forms of social media. We put pictures out there for people to comment on, and trust that our friends won't berate us. But I suppose if we don't like what our friends say about us, we have the right to delete such things (and I doubt that most people's friends post mean comments about one another). But isn't it kind of silly? I mean, at the age of 30, I figured my friends would be secure enough in their own skin to know they are beautiful inside and out, and to know that the friends who love them believe that 100%. What happened last night sort of reminded me of high school drama. So silly.

Shouldn't (almost) decade-long friends be able to tease and joke a little?

Maybe I'm not seeing it, but I honestly didn't have any intention of hurting her feelings over a comment about something as silly as a sun tan. If I had stark white legs in a picture and one of my friends made a little joke, I'd probably respond with something like "I know! These legs are all sorts of white right now. I best be getting my butt in the sun :)"

But I guess that's how I'm different from her. And as I exit my 20's in four days to make a grand appearance in my 30's, I am going to do my best to live out the next decade with a light and joyous heart.

Hell, if I sweat the small stuff too much, I might not see my 50's and I want to be around to enjoy many summers (and sun tans) to come :)

Calling Me Sugar

2010-05-19T14:14:00.003-06:00

Been listening to this song by PINK over and over again today. I love everything about it. The words, the melody, the emotion, the meaning it has for me, and the raw truth of it all. So if you haven't heard it, look up "Glitter in the Air" and have a listen. It's simply beautiful. Here are the lyrics:

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?

Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it

Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?

Have you ever looked fear in the face

And said I just don't care

It's only half past the point of no return

The tip of the ice burg

The sun before the burn

The thunder before lightning

The breath before the phrase

Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?

You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone

Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?

Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion

The hourglass on the table

The walk before the run

The breath before the kiss

And the fear before the flames

Have you ever felt this way?

There you are, sitting in the garden

Clutching my coffee,

Callin' me sugar

You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?

Laugh so the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight

Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?

Tonight

Good Times

2010-05-19T04:21:00.002-06:00

Tonight my good friend Marjorie came over to watch Lost and just hang out. I met Marge in 1998 in the Hoogle Hall dormitory of Westminster College (I seriously can't believe I have known this wonderful woman for 12 years now as it just doesn't seem possible that it has been that long since I first started college) and we have been great friends ever since.

Marge was my life saver during college. I was missing home, my parents, my friends, my at-the-time boyfriend, and basically the all-around life I was comfortable with. So many things had changed in over the course of one summer: I graduated high school, I packed up my life, I moved to Salt Lake, I started college. Marge represented the promise of a big smile, a contagious laugh, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and security in a non-judgemental friendship. I honestly believe there are certain people you meet in life at certain times for one specific reason: you need them. I needed Marge, more than I even realized at that time, but I'm able to look back now and understand just how important it was that she entered my life during that difficult time.

During our many crazy nights in the co-ed dorms where we lived, we ended up hanging out in the lobby with the guys. Marge and I seemed to gravitate more to them than the girls. To be honest, we had some really fun and down to earth guys living on our floor, while the girls seemed to be more up tight, prissy, and mostly consumed with impressing the guys. Marge and I weren't like those girls. We were comfortable in our own skin and could have a good time just being ourselves. Looking back now, I think the guys appreciated that and felt more comfortable hanging out with us than the other girls. Marge and I ended up developing some really great friendships with a lot of them, too.

One of the many crazy things we liked to do was record ourselves being silly. I had a hand held tape recorder at the time, that I used to record lectures in my more difficult classes so that if I wasn't able to take notes fast enough or missed something in lecture, I had it captured on tape... That was the main purpose of me having the tape recorder, but really it became more of a means of entertainment for Marge and I. We recorded everything. Every stupid little hang out session, conversation, laugh, etc... Don't ask me why, it was just something we did.

Tonight when she came down to visit me, she brought a tape of one of our "poetry sessions" with her. Let me explain...We used to do random poetry readings in southern accents. These were spontaneous readings if you will, and usually were created based on the name and character of someone living on our floor. For example, my college roommate's name was Loraine, so a poetry reading might go something like this:
Loraine,
She lived in Maine
She's not very plain
She's kinda of insane
But we love her all the same
Loraine.

Creative eh? LOL (you are probably rolling your eyes this very second, but trust me, our poetry readings were a combination of late nights, being silly, and trying to save ourselves from the day in and day out homework routine). Hey, it kept us entertained.

Anyway, back to the point. Tonight Marge came over with one of these tapes. Lucky for her, my Audi has a tape player in it so Marge, our friend Dave, KeeLee and I all climbed into the car and listened to the tape.

We laughed and laughed and laughed. And it brought back great memories for me. Memories of how fun those difficult college days were. Memories of how silly we could be and yet have a wonderful time. Memories of how important those college days were in helping to shape the person I have become.

If you ever have the opportunity to go back in time be it through a recording, a picture, a year book or a phone call to an old friend, DO IT. It's like chicken soup for the soul, and you might just find a little piece of you that you didn't even know was missing.

Thanks Marge! Thanks for the crazy nights then, and the one we had tonight. I enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed those spontaneous "poetry readings" in "noon-a-maker" with the "beater stick" and thanks for being the wonderful friend that you are! Love you :)

What's Worse?

2010-05-17T12:23:00.001-06:00

Being the one who leaves or the one who gets left behind?

If you ask KeeLee, it's the being the one who gets left behind. I see little sad eyes whenever I grab my car keys and mention the phrase "You have to stay, baby." Breaks my heart cuz she wants to go for a ride in the car so bad. Sometimes she even jets out the door before I can stop her and waits by my car as if this time will somehow be different.

This week Michael is in D.C. giving a speech on an audit he did as well as attending the National Auditors Conference. He left this morning at 7:45 and won't be back until Friday and I'm already going stir crazy. Granted, he'd be at work right now anyway if he were here, but at least I know that means he's coming home at 5:30. What am I going to do till Friday? I HATE being bored. HATE IT!

That, and I miss him. I already did the whole Michael is 3,000 miles away for the first year and a half of our marriage, but it seems that every other month he's got some work trip to go on. Since January alone he's been to New Orleans for two weeks, St. George for a week, now DC for a week and then we're looking at another week long trip in June followed by yet another one in July. I really don't like it all that much, but I guess that's the life of a fancy schmancy Homeland Security Auditor.

That's What You Get for Waking Up In Vegas

2010-05-06T11:47:00.007-06:00

Last Thursday, Michael and I hopped in the car and took off for Vegas. No, it wasn't a spontaneous trip, but I like to make it sound like it was :)

We needed to get the hell outta dodge for a bit, and this little excursion was pretty affordable. Plus, our friends Jeff and Melissa were going as well so we figured we'd join in the fun.

The good things about Vegas:

The people watching is out of this world.

Never in my life have I seen so many crazy skanks take a roll of plastic wrap and try and make a dress out of it. I'm not kidding either. I saw so many coochies and ass cheeks hanging out of thread bare material, that by the time we left on Sunday, nothing would have shocked me. I had been de-sensitized. There were even women with some women who looked normal in shape and size, but once you got a side view, you were like "How did she get that ass in those pants? Run from across the room and jump in?" Seriously. It was unreal.

There were celebrities. Jeff sat down to play black jack at the Wynn, and apparently was playing cards with Michael J. Fox. Although disguised in a hat, sun glasses, and jacket, the rumor was out. And Jeff also mentioned that the shakes gave it away. (Not trying to knock the Fox, but Jeff said he really did have the shakes).

And in addition to Jeff's sighting, I almost ran smack dab into Stephen Mayor (for those of you who watch True Blood, I'm referring to Vampire Bill Compton, Sookie's one and only love). Yeah, at the MGM trying to walk amongst the sea of people there for the big boxing match, and who do I almost knock over. Fantastic. (I hear that Conan O'Brian -my favorite late night show host EVER- was right next door to the Wynn at the Encore having lunch. Didn't see him, but we we probably shared the same oxygen at some point considering it's very limited out there with all the cigarette smoke and all.

The weather was good enough to sit out at the pool. Although it was super windy, and it wasn't as warm as we were hoping for (only got up to about 70 degrees), it was still nice enough weather to enjoy being outside and taking advantage of the pools at both the Wynn and the new Hilton Grand Resort. I didn't get much of a sun tan, but hey, we were sitting up in Salt Lake freezing our butts off in the snow so I can't complain. Here's a picture taken from the pool side table where Michael and I enjoyed lunch Friday afternoon:

La Reve was amazing. This is the new show at the Wynn and it is flippin fantastic. There is not a bad seat in the theatre and I really mean that. It's a theatre in the round, and there really isn't a stage, it's a pool. I can't even explain how amazing it was to watch people dive, swim, do acrobatics, dance, and on and on and on. They did it all, and between the costumes, the music, the talent, the effects... it was my favorite part of the entire trip. Security was really strict about taking pictures during the performance, but after the show ended, I was able to snap a few shots. This hardly does it justice but for what it's worth...

We had some awesome food. If you like Italian food, (more specifically, Chicken Parmesan) then you must try Maggiano'sLittle Italy when you are there. It's located right across the street from the Wynn, and is located on the second level of the shopping mall mecca. It's easy to get to, but if you plan on eating there in the evening, stop by earlier and make a reservation. Otherwise, you might be waiting a while.

Other fun things included the Body's World Exhibit at the Luxor. Melissa and I went to that while the guys played Black Jack. We tried the buffet at the Wynn (you have to try at least one buffet while in Vegas, but I gotta say, the one at the Bellagio is by far the best). We also took advantage of the free drinks, playing the new Sex In the City slot machine (I didn't win any money but every time Melissa sat down to play something, she did) and have I mentioned the people watching was fantastic?

Speaking of people, while enjoying some sun at the pool at the Wynn, we almost ran right into Melissa's ex-fiance. What are the odds right? (If I ever said "what are the odds" in Vegas, you'd think it would be because I was winning a billion dollars, but no... not the case).

The ride home sucked. We had to add an extra two hours to the trip so we could stop in Price and pick up KeeLee but boy was she the happiest puppy ever. And I was glad to have her back.

All in all, it was a quick little excursion but not one I'd consider relaxing. Vegas takes a lot out of you. Between the walking all over, the drinking, and the exhausting people watching, Vegas is kind of a cracked out vacation. And after about two days, I'm kinda done being there. Thank goodness our next trip is going to be Hawaii. I don't know that the people watching will be as good there as it was in Vegas, but I know the weather will be awesome, and so will the beach :)

Still

2010-05-05T16:04:00.001-06:00

These lyrics sum it up for me. You can always count on a good Tim Mcgraw song:

There's a place I wanna to go

Where I can hear the cotton grow

Midnight train whistles blow

A dozen miles down the road

Adn all I have to do is be still

There's a place I need to be

Mom and Dad my brother and me

First time I ever saw the beach

Back to 1983

And all I have to do is just be still

When the road gets crazy

And tries to break me

And I've had all I can stand

I can close my eyes no matter where I am

And just be still

There's a place I need to go

Where stained glass windows glow

Every part of me is known

Thank God I can go there

Thank God I can go there

Still

Happy Earth Day!

2010-04-22T16:54:00.002-06:00

Wow, it's Earth Day already. I remember celebrating the fact that I'd won tickets to go see Disney's "Earth Day" like it was yesterday. But here we are again, another year, another birthday for Mama Earth.

What are you doing to celebrate? Are you gathering up a bunch of recyclable stuff? Or perhaps purchase eco-friendly bags at the grocery store to eliminate your use of plastic ones? Speaking of eco-friendly bags, Target is giving out free ones this week, one per family, per purchase and they are awesome.

I celebrated Earth Day by working in my yard. I pulled tons of weeds, raked my little heart out, dug in the dirt, and planted oodles upon ooddles of flowers. My husband says I "have a problem" when it comes to flowers. This translates to he thinks I buy too many. My response was that perhaps people will be distracted by our beautiful flowers and see past the awful, nasty grass that needs some serious attention from my husband (Michael, if you're reading this, remember I love you!).

I spent about three hours in the yard yesterday and another three hours today. Let me tell you, .23 acres is bigger than it seems. So for those of you considering buying a home, pay attention to your lot size and keep in mind that you will be caring for it so don't bite off more than you can mow :)

Don't worry, I just took a long hot bath and downed a bunch of drugs so hopefully my muscles won't be too stiff tomorrow. I'm hoping I can still sit and walk and all that good stuff. But I guess I can't complain. Got a good work out in today without going to the gym and I got to do it all outside.

I hear it's supposed to get cold and nasty this weekend. I hope all the cute petunias I planted don't go into shock. But that's spring in Utah I suppose. However, if it's going to rain then bring it on. We need all the water we can get. So Mama Earth, I know it's YOUR birthday and all, but could you be so kind to send us some water? I know the little flowers I just planted will appreciate it :)

Whatever you're doing to celebrate, be green and enjoy!

Guest Blogging

2010-04-20T17:32:00.001-06:00

Hey gang,

I'm guest blogging today over at The Olive-Tree and sharing a totally yummy, delicous, mouth-watering entree. So ya'll better get your butts over there and check it out.

By the way, The Olive-Tree is a great place to get all kinds of recipes if you're ever wondering what to make!

Enjoy!

Opinions Needed!

2010-04-14T12:14:00.003-06:00

Remember that post, the one about things in the works that are exciting and new?

Well... those things are very close to being done which means a new business for myself coming to fruition. I have a couple packages put together for the services my business will offer, and I'm looking for anyone who is willing to take a look at those packages and provide me with their honest feedback and opinions.

If you haven't already received an email (dear friends who read this blog, you already have a letter in your inbox), and if you don't think I have your email address, post a comment on here letting me know you'd like to be involved in sharing your feedback and opinions.

Thanks in advance if you do, and if not, that's okay too...You'll just have to wait a little longer to find out what's in the works :)

Untitled

2010-04-12T12:40:00.003-06:00

Well, we did it. Michael and I joined a gym on Saturday. I haven't belonged to a gym for four years. And that's four years too long.

I have gained weight since getting married. I'm not going to say how much exactly, but let me put it this way: TOO MUCH. I'm tired of going to my closet and letting my clothes dictate what I'm going to wear for the day based on how they fit and feel. I'd much rather be the one in charge picking out something I WANT to wear and having it look good when I put it on. I don't remember how long it has been since that has happened. I do know that it has been TOO LONG.

I got comfortable after marriage while my clothes got uncomfortable. I have several containers labeled “Skinny Bitch Clothes” that are full of things I’d like to wear but can’t right now. And considering most of that wardrobe consists of clothes from Ann Taylor and Banana Republic, I can’t bring myself to donate them to charity. I keep promising that I’ll wear them again. I’ll lose the weight. And then… I don’t.

I think I struggle with weight because of my genes for one, but also because I’m my own worst enemy. You see, I've never been happy with my body. EVER. I would even go as far to say that I remember being very young (like 3rd grade) and hating the way I looked. I was always the short, stumpy girl. My friends were always the tall, skinny girls and I remember wanting to look just like them. Yup, I WANTED to look like a bean pole because that would me that I could fit in and look as tall and skinny as they did. My mother would laugh and say "Michelle, you have a cute shape. You have hips and curves and you'll appreciate them some day."

Some day never came.

I remember being in junior high and high school wishing that my body wouldn't fill out like it was. Wishing that I could just grow a little bit taller to catch up with the girls I was running around with. I'll never forget the day I was at the mall shopping for school clothes before starting the 7th grade when I started crying in the fitting room at 5.7.9 because I actually had to start wearing junior sizes. I put on a pair of size 1 pants and the tears started streaming down my face. All my other friends were still purchasing size 14 and 16 in the KIDS section and I had already graduated to the junior sizes, a heffer size 1. What a horrible, awful thing. Funny how now I would pass out with sheer joy if I actually fit into a size 1 pair of pants. But back then, that size 1 was the largest size ever and it meant I was fatter than all of my friends.

My mother would get frustrated with me because I wouldn't wear tank tops as a young girl and teenage (I didn't want to show my flabby arms), nor would I wear skirts above the knee (who wanted to see my fat thighs?). Granted, part of it was the Mormon church and my friends that attended that had me all confused about the rules of modesty. My friend Ashlee refused to wear a tank top because the church says you shouldn't show that much skin (little did I NOT know that the church was referring to those who wore garments and how they should wear the appropriate clothing to cover them) Apparently then, I took the "modesty rules" WAY too seriously (and so did my friends who I was afraid would judge me if I actually wore something cute).

I never really could appreciate the body I had because I was constantly plagued with the fact that I was shorter and stumpier than everyone else. I didn't look like the girls on the cover of Teen and Seventeen. And I certainly didn't look like my friends who were destined to be 5'7, 5'8, and 5'9. I remember the summer before starting high school where I actually kept a binder with measurements of my body, a work out regime, and a strict diet because I wasn't going to buy fat girl clothes to start high school.

Now what I wouldn't give to be wearing the size I started high school in.

I think it's amazing that I never developed an eating disorder. I enjoyed food too much to be anorexic, and the thought of sticking my finger down my throat to puke was enough to turn me away from being a bulimic. But I never was happy with my body image. I never was confident in myself or how I looked, and I let it keep me from doing many things that I wanted to do, back then and even now. I mean, for crying out loud, I even wore a girdle under my Preference Ball dresses. And to be honest, I had no gut to hide at that age. But I sure thought I did, and I made damn sure I didn't leave the house without it on. Turns out I was uncomfortable in every single dress I ever wore to a formal dance by wearing that stupid "sucker-inner" to look skinnier. How lame now that I think about it.

So here I am. Nothing has changed. I'm still uncomfortable with how I look (only for good reason this time because I actually weigh as much as I feel when I look in the mirror), and I'm still afraid to do things I want to do, wear clothes I want to wear, and be who I want to be. My lack of self esteem has stopped me from doing a lot of things, including taking better care of myself.

And now that I finally have the body to match the way I'm feeling, I decided enough was enough and I joined a gym. I also got up this morning and drank a nutritious breakfast shake. I bought things like apples and spinach at the store yesterday, and I even bought diet soda for the first time in years (yes, I know how bad regular soda is for me and that it has played a large part of my weight gain). I am counting my calories and watching my carbs and buying things like gym pants and sports bras in the hopes that I can find a thinner me somewhere inside this body I have hated for 29 years and 10 months.

But I know that all these things aren't going to replace the hatred I have for the shape I was born with. I know all the dieting in the world can't take away the fact that I hate my 5'0 frame, wide hips, broad shoulders, and stubby limbs. I can diet all I want, but I've yet to figure out how to love myself and the way I look (fat or thin).

Maybe one day there will be some beauty magazine that provides and article that covers the ten steps to a healthier frame of mind, or information about a program that will teach me how to appreciate myself and who I am. I've read too many "Healthy Recipes Under 100 Calories!" I've read too many "Beauty Tips for Gorgeous skin, Flawless Make-up, Shiny Hair and Blah Blah Blah." I need to find the one article that helps me get past all those other things so I can accept who I am and appreciate the body God gave me, without any of this wishing I were this or that.

I'm turning 30 in two months, and I don't want to spend the next 30 years hating the reflection in the mirror.

In the Works

2010-04-08T10:17:00.001-06:00

So I know I haven't written in a bit and I'm sure you've all just been sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for it (ok, not really) but things have been somewhat busy round these parts.

For one, Michael and I have completely renovated the office. Yes I took "before" pictures but I haven't taken the "after" pictures because there are still a few details to take care of. But I will post pics as soon as it all comes together (which won't be long).

I'm loving how everything turned out. I went with a color that is so out of my comfort range that I was actually a little scared but I decided to trust my instincts and it turned out AWESOME! You'll have to wait to see what it is :)

We also put up wallpaper (first time in my life). It's a cool wallpaper because it's paintable, so you put it up, let it dry, and then paint it whatever color your little heart desires. There's a pattern in the paper too and when you paint it, the pattern takes on a sheen which makes it stand out a little more. It's textured and is actually a lot of fun. I'll post some up close pics of that too so you can see what I'm talking about.

So- why the home office remodel? Because I'm going into business for myself. That's right folks, I'm going to be my own boss. I'm actually partnering with a girl who is going to run one side of the company while I run the other so to speak. And that's all I'm going to tell you for right now. I know, I know... this post is a whole bunch of not telling and not showing isn't it?

You'll just have to wait and see what's in store. But rest assured, it's gonna be great!

Political Soap Box

2010-03-24T01:19:00.004-06:00

Ok, I've never gotten political on here... until this post. And really, this post isn't so much about getting political as it is getting educated.

Healthcare. Big topic in the news this week (Fox news doesn't count). Lots of people are happy about the bill, and others well.... not so much. But, no matter what side of the fence you're on, or if you're sitting on the fence, here's a little advice (not from one political party member to another, but simply from one American and Facebooker to another):

EDUCATE YOURSELVES!!!

Please, if you're going to argue a side (and you are), and plaster your opinion all over Facebook, do so with some tact, class, and good ole facts. As my mother would say "Use your words." And by that I mean, don't go copying some article you found on some web site bashing this or supporting that. Copying what one person wrote on a blog or web site does not count as a legitimate effort to persuade someone. THINK FOR YOURSELF! Form your own opinions.

I'm not going to have an educated "conversation" with you about your take on healthcare when all you can do is quote me the political rhetoric you're reading on some blog or other web site. If you really want to sit down and talk about healthcare, READ THE BILL and not a blog telling you what the bill says and why it's bad or good. Read the actual bill, and then think for yourself. It's not rocket science.

*WARNING, I said I wasn't going to get political but I do have one comment to make so if you're not interested in a political debate, stop reading...*

You never know what to expect in politics. It's an ever growing and ever changing beast. Politics will shock you every day if you take the time to find out what exactly is going on. And here's the reality of it all: nobody is ever going to be satisfied no matter what happens. But that doesn't mean we quit trying as a nation; it just means we cut some slack to those who are doing the best they know how.

So to all you Republicans out there who are bitching and moaning over the latest and greatest regarding health care... you'll get over it and there'll be something new to bitch about next week.Why am I so sure you'll get over it? Because the Democrats got over the fact that Bush got re-elected and they survived all eight years of his two (unfortunate) terms.

To take it one step further, Democrats can relate to your anger. As enraged as you are over this health care business and as much as you are crying "not fair", the Democrats were equally enraged and felt betrayed by the system when Bush took office the first time (after Gore actually won the election).

They survived and you will too (might I add WITH healthcare coverage this time, despite your pre-existing conditions). :)

Enjoy Life, Literally!

2010-03-20T17:52:00.004-06:00

My inner geek is shining through this weekend because I'm totally stoked to watch the Discovery Channel's premier presentation of LIFE tomorrow night. If you don't have a clue what I'm talking about, you can check out all the fantastic details here.

I was stoked last year at this time to see EARTH which was pretty dang fantastic so I'm thinking tomorrow is going ot be excellent.

That's right, I'm a geek. But c'mon! Why shouldn't we all be geeks when it comes to learning about the planet upon which we live and the neighbors we are sharing it with? How fantastic is it that we have the opportunity to sit in our comfy homes and watch something so educational on TV about the world around us. Some of us may never get the opportunity to travel to Africa to watch a pack of cheetas hunt, but through amazing programs such as these, it's possible.

I know where I'll be tomorrow evening. It might not be Africa, but it's gonna be as close to it (and other wonderful places) as possible.

Enjoy LIFE! Literally :)

Deliciously Simple

2010-03-14T20:00:00.001-06:00

I subscribe to Real Simple magazine and I love it! I found myself purchasing it every month at the grocery store. As I would wait for my turn at the register, I'd always get sucked in by the artistic cover, the texture of the paper, the cover page headlines, and I found myself purchasing this so often that I finally did myself a favor and just subscribed to it. It's my monthly treat to myself and I always look forward to it.

This month's issue arrived on Friday and as I read through each page, I found myself eager to try a new recipe found within the pages of this delicious read: Philadelphia Vanilla Mousse Cheesecake (pictured here).

The recipe seemed easy and manageable (even for those who have frequent kitchen mishaps). I decided to give it a go and was very pleased with how simplistic this was, not to mention quick and easy. I had the cake in the oven about 15 minutes after I started which isn't bad considering you're making the crust and the filling from scratch.

The recipe is as follows (courtesy of Real Simple):

40 Nilla Wafers, crushed (about 1 1/2 cups)
3 TBSP butter or margarine, melted
4 Pks (8 oz each) Philadelphia Cream Cheese, softened
1 cup sugar
1 TBSP plus 1 tsp vanilla extract
3 eggs
1 tub (8 oz) Cool Whip thawed

Heat oven to 325 degrees F. Mix crushed wafer crumbs and melted butter; press to bottom of 9" Spring Form Baking Pan.
Beat 3 pkgs of cream cheese, 3/4 cup sugar and 1 TBSP vanilla extract in mixer. Add eggs one at a time mixing at low speed after each just until blended. Pour mixture into pan over crust.
Bake 50 to 55 minutes or until center is almost set. Run knife around rim of pan to loosen cake. Let cool completely.
Beat remaining cream cheese, sugar and vanilla in large bowl until well blended. Wisk in Cool Whip and add frosting to the top of the cake.
Refrigerate 4 hours before serving.

* I made the frosting and refrigerated it while the cheesecake was baking and cooling so that I could frost and serve immediately. This worked just fine.

Michael and I had some kiwi and blueberries in the fridge so we garnished the top with some fruit. Here's how mine turned out:

YUMMY!!! This frosting is so light and fluffy (not to mention mouth-watering) that I think I'll be making it for other cake recipes, topping cupcakes, and even using it as a fruit dip. I just love when I find a recipe that is as easy as it is delicious. Thanks Real Simple! If you choose to make this decadent delight, enjoy and happy baking!

Picking Up Where We Left Off

2010-03-10T11:29:00.003-07:00

My wonderful friend Juston came to visit on Thursday. He was in town for his brother's wedding and stayed at my place. It was so great to catch up, laugh till our faces hurt, and just hang out like old times.

I am constantly reminded of what a lucky person I am through the relationships I keep. I have been so very blessed with wonderful friends who add so much color to my life. Where would we be without our friends? On Saturday night, Juston and I pulled out the old CHS yearbooks and laughed over old pictures of ourselves and friends. We read all the funny things people wrote in my yearbook and shared information with one another that we had on the whereabouts of old friends whom we've lost touch with.

Juston is one of my oldest friends. We're "decade" friends as we like to joke, although we've known each other for about 15 years. I met him when I was a sophomore and he was a junior in high school, and we have been close ever since. Our friendship has endured so many things that has made us the friends we are today. We've laughed together and cried together (but luckily have laughed more than cried) and traveled to New York to see our first Broadway show together, Washington D.C. to see our country's history together, and to Hawaii for the first time together. Juston met my mother when he was in 5th grade as she was doing her student teaching at his school and had him for a few subjects. He loved my mom and has called her on every Mother's Day since high school. Juston even escorted my mother down the isle at my wedding since my father would be walking me.

Juston and I have stayed in contact no matter the distance between us. I remember sitting at work one day on campus during my college years when my dorm roommate called me on the phone and said that someone from Brazil named Juston had just called looking for me and that he'd be calling back in ten minutes given that my roommate told him that's how much time I'd need to get back to my dorm.

I quickly told my boss that I needed to take about a 30 minute break and that I was expecting a call from Brazil. She let me run back to my dorm and sure enough, the phone rang and Juston was on the other line. He was currently serving his mission and although he wasn't supposed to actually make phone calls to friends and family, he had found this public phone in a little city and thought to himself "I wonder if I can dial the states?"

Well, it worked! FREE OF CHARGE. And thus began our weekly (sometimes more frequent than that) international phone calls on NOBODY's dime :) We still joke about that to this day.

I took Juston back to the airport on Monday and just as I was getting ready to exit onto the freeway my phone rang and Juston said "Can you come pick me up?" So I did. He decided to "miss his flight" and fly out the next day instead. He said he just wasn't ready to leave yet. It was free for him to "miss his flight" so he did and we were lucky enough to spend another day laughing and hanging out.

I took Juston back to the airport yesterday and bid him goodbye for real this time. No missing of the flights was to be had as Juston had to work today. Although I was sad to see him go home, I'm so thankful for the 5 days we did get to spend together. I don't know when I'll see him again, but I know that when I do, we'll pick up right where we left off. Because that's how we are. Because that's what "decade" and lifelong friends do. And I'm so lucky to have those type of friends in my life :)

And I Still Cringe

2010-03-04T16:28:00.002-07:00

In my previous position, I worked with a total asshole who drove a black Infinity sedan. I hated this guy with a passion. He was the epitome of every quality I despise in a person, all wrapped up in a smug, self-indulgent package.

Well today, I was running some errands and as I turned into the post office to mail something off, I saw a similar black Infinity sedan parked in one of the stalls. And I cringed. And immediately I was disgusted. I haven't worked at this company for over a month and something as simple as a black car still stirs up the hatred in me for this sorry excuse of a man.

Isn't it funny how we associate objects with emotion and can assign them to people? A black Infinity sedan no more defines this asshole than a color, shape, or size or anything for that matter (although if I were to see a giant jack-ass walking around like a pompus idiot that doesn't know the difference between its head and its ass, I would venture to say that it too would remind me of this inept loser).

Needless to say, I will never purchase a black Infinity as long as I live. Nor will my husband. And if I ever do see the specific black Infinity that belongs to this asshole, I can guarantee I won't be able to stop myself from letting the air out of the tires.

Just sayin' is all :)

P.S. You will notice I didn't not put a picture of this car on this post. Specifically because it drums up too much hatred and I might have a hard time controlling myself. Know your limits people ;)

MYST

2010-03-02T17:36:00.002-07:00

I don't know if you guys ever played this game back in the day, but I did and I loved it! The other day Michael and I were at the store and I found the 10th anniversary trilogy that includes Riven and Exile in addition to Myst.

Yup I'm a total nerd, but I seriously LOVE playing this game!

Yum Yum Gimme Some...

2010-02-25T18:43:00.004-07:00

This is SO EASY to make, and yummy too. It's even pretty kid friendly (hot dogs, pasta, cheese) so give it a try and let me know if you love this as much as we do (and by we I mean the hubby, AND all the friends...there are never any leftovers).

Seashell Hot Dog Bake

Ingredients

8 oz. dried medium shell macaroni

1 large onion, chopped (1 cup)

1 clove garlic, minced

1 Tbsp. butter

1 16-oz. pkg. beef frankfurters, halved lengthwise and sliced

1 1/2 cups purchased spaghetti sauce

1 large tomato, chopped (1 cup)

1 4-oz. can (drained weight) mushroom stems and pieces, drained

1 8-oz. carton dairy sour cream

2 oz. provolone cheese, shredded (1/2 cup)

2 oz. mozzarella cheese, shredded (1/2 cup)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Prepare macaroni according to package directions; drain and set aside.

2. In a large skillet cook onion and garlic in hot butter over medium heat until nearly tender. Stir in frankfurters and cook until lightly browned. Stir in spaghetti sauce, tomato, and mushrooms. Bring to boiling. Remove from heat. Stir in sour cream and half of the cheeses. Stir mixture into the drained pasta. Spoon into a 2-quart casserole.

3. Cover and bake about 30 minutes or until hot. Uncover and sprinkle with remaining cheeses. Bake, uncovered, 5 minutes more or until cheese melts. Makes 6 servings.

Happy Eating!!!

Shakin' It Up a Bit

2010-02-24T02:13:00.003-07:00

I know, I know, but you're still in the right place. Things just look a little different.

Why?:

Because I get bored. Easily.
Because that's how I roll.
Because I'm crazy like that.
(Really it's because I have nothing better to do at 2:00 in the morning.)
And because change is good, damnit.

So there :P

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming...

Put Those Records On...

2010-02-19T16:43:00.001-07:00

I've been spending a lot of time going through my music and updating my iTunes library. When we moved, I disconnected my desktop computer which housed (along with my external hard drive) a plethora of music. I never did reconnect my computer once moving into the new house because I had my laptop (and my desktop was an ancient beast that was no longer performing up to par). However, even though I had my wonderful lap top and began adding new music to my iTunes rather quickly, I still had a few oldies but goodies in my old music library that I wanted to transfer over. Thus began Operation Transfer.

I basically copied all the music files off my old PC and dumped them right into my iTunes on my laptop, and with that came two and a half days of cleaning out my iTunes as well. I had TONS of songs and albums that I just don't listen to anymore, nor have any interest in keeping. However, there were some gems that I stumbled upon in the mess of mp3's that are definitely worth keeping. Therefore, I've put together a little compliation below of albums that you might want to consider blasting the next time you have a road trip or just need some good music time.

First up, we have Gavin DeGraw and his two albums Chariot (2003) and Gavin DeGraw (2008). LOVE LOVE LOVE both of these albums. He has such a great voice and there isn't one song on either of these albums that I don't enjoy. Can't go wrong with this artist. I went to one of his concerts and loved the fact that he sounded just as good live as he does on his recordings. Now that's talent folks. IN THE RAW.

Next up is Jem who is a very talented singer born in Wales. This girl's music kicks ass. If you want to read more about her, or hear a sample of her kick ass music, you can visit her official site here. Basically, if you are looking for something a little saucy, a little different, and yet something you can't seem to stop listening to for you want to be addicted to the melody and rhythm, this is your girl. I love her album Finally Woken and am going to purchase her new album in iTunes atfer I get done with this post (not kidding).

Have you ever found yourself on the beach, perhaps soaking up the rays of the sun while luke warm water gently caresses your feet, and you think to yourself "I really need some good music to accompany this perfect view"? Well fear not, here are two perfect artists for any coastal vacation. Relaxing, jazzy, and that perfect beach towel accessory: Amos Lee and Tyrone Wells. You can't go wrong with ANY of their albums. That's right, I said it. ANY.

James Morrison- Nuff said. He's awesome. Feel good, pick me up songs, and even some perfect melodies for when you're down in the dumps. His two albums Undiscovered and Songs for You, Truths for Me are the perfect distraction from any stressful day and you'll find yourself singing his songs in your head over and over (in a good way).

And you can never go wrong with a little Duffy. The girls got mad skills. I've been playing this one straight through:

And I am in love with Eva Cassidy. I even selected one of her songs Song Bird as my first dance with Michael and our wedding. He introduced me to her music and I fell in love instantly. It's sad though because she passed away from cancer before she ever got famous. Do yourself a favor and give her a listen. If you love Norah Jones (as I do) you will find yourself loving every melody of Eva.

Other favorites include anything Norah Jones, Bon Jovi, T.A.T.U., Adele, James Blunt, Jason Maraz, John Mayer, Michael Buble, Pink, Nickelback, Train and so much more. Who are some of your favorites? I'm always open to recommendations :)

Happy Listening!

They Grow Up So Fast

2010-02-12T00:12:00.004-07:00

I was in Target yesterday shopping for a few of the things I was running low on when I took a little jaunt over to the jewelry section. I wasn't planning on buying anything, I was just in the mood to browse the merchandise. As I approached the necklaces, there were two young boys (I would say they were no older than about 12-ish) admiring the selection.

I could hear their conversation about a rather tacky brass necklace that was nothing more than a long chain with two open hearts dangling at the bottom with a large brass key in the middle. Their conversation was quite amusing and rather cute so I thought I'd share a bit of what I heard. Here's how it went:

Boy 1: This is a really nice necklace. I mean, look at it!

Boy 2: Yeah, that is nice! And girls really like that kind of stuff.

Boy 1: Yeah they do. I think she'll go CRAZY over this one.

Boy 2: That one is totally perfect. Are you going to get it for her?

Boy 1: I don't know. I mean, I probably am. She'll really REALLY like it.

Boy 2: You should totally get that one. ALL girls would love it. Who wouldn't, look at it?!

Boy 1: Yeah, you're right. They're all going to be jealous of her. I'm totally getting it.... (calling off in the distance) MOM?!

I love it. 12 year old boys out shopping for the perfect gift for their Valentine on mom's dime :) But it was so obvious this kid was head over heels crazy about the girl he had in mind to give this perfect gift to. And he had confirmation from his best friend that this one was totally perfect. What else did he need? So cute.

I can just picture these two boys, 10 years from now, shopping for engagement rings:
Boy 1: Look at this one, it's perfect!
Boy 2: You should totally get it. It'll make all the other girls jealous. And besides, girls really like that kind of stuff.
Boy 1: Yeah, I'm totally getting this one.

Have a Happy Valentine's Day!

Support

2010-02-09T22:43:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to take a second and thank everyone for sending me job leads and emails about positions available out there. I've got some good things in the works and have complete faith in what the universe has in store for me.

Keep the job leads coming. And thanks for keeping me in mind when you see/hear about jobs. It's all about networking and I am so lucky to have the support I do.

BIG HUGS!

Distant Dreamer

2010-02-03T17:11:00.003-07:00

I haven't written in a week, but there are good reasons:

I've been super busy relaxing, looking for jobs, sleeping in, and just breathing for a change.

Let me explain a little further. I lost my job last Wednesday and I couldn't be happier (yes, you read that right). I HATED what I was doing. I took a job under the impression that I would be doing marketing and as it turns out, it was nothing like marketing. I was working more as a project manager and servant to a specific person who shall go unmentioned because he isn't worth the energy of even discussing. (Karma is all I can say because I believe that one day he'll get what's coming to him).

I had this job for a year and it was a year too long. I have spent the last 12 months being utterly depressed over the fact that I was giving away 40 hours of my life to this company every week. Day in, day out. I wasn't happy and I should have been because 2009 was the year my husband came home, we moved into our new house, had lots of fun home improvement projects take place, etc... And although those things have been wonderful, a dark cloud was always looming over my life because of how I was spending the greater half of my day: stuck in a basement cubicle, doing something I hated doing, for a person I had zero respect for (who wasn't even my boss).

Now? A week later? I feel like a bag of bricks has been lifted off my chest. I can relax, I can breathe, and I have time now to explore future career opportunities that are a much better fit for me. I have 100% faith in the universe and I know this happened for a reason. I just know and feel that the right job is out there waiting for me to find it, and I will. And the best part about the whole thing? I was given a severance and I qualified for unemployment, so I'll actually make money while I look for something I want to do. How perfect is that? It was too hard to focus on finding a new job when I was working. But now, I have those eight hours back each day to put to good use (and I'll get my field project finished too, FINALLY!).

So yay for closing doors and having new ones open. I'm looking forward to this journey and I can already feel the difference the events of last week have made in my life. A good change :)

I'll close this post with the lyrics from a song by Duffy that I have been singing to myself over and over all week. Isn't it just so fitting that this song seems to be my theme song right now?! :)

Although you think I cope,

my head is filled with hope...

of some place other than here.

Although you think I smile,

inside all the while...

I'm wondering about my destiny.

I'm thinking about,

all the things,

I'd like to do in my life.

I'm a dreamer,

a distant dreamer,

dreaming for hope, from today.

Even when you see me frown,

my heart won't let me down,

because I know there's better things to come.

And when life gets tough,

I feel I've had enough,

I hold on to a distant star,

I'm thinking about,

all the things,

I'd like to do in my life...

I'm a dreamer,

A distant dreamer,

dreaming for hope from today.

I'm a dreamer,

A distant dreamer,

dreaming for hope from today.

Yeah, I'm a dreamer.

I'm a dreamer,

a distant dreamer,

dreaming for hope from today,

Yeah i'm a dreamer...

I'm a dreamer.

Insomniac

2010-01-27T02:42:00.002-07:00

I hate the nights where I can't sleep (much like this one).
The nights where I keep twisting and turning trying to find a comfortable position.
The nights where there is so much weighing on my mind
That not even my tempurpedic pillow can support the weight of my head.

I hate the nights where I can't find peace.
The nights where I keep thinking to myself "Brain! SHUT UP for crying out loud! You're expected to function in less than 5 hours."
The nights where I keep thinking "Okay, if I fall asleep RIGHT NOW, I'll get at least 4 1/2 hours of sleep."

I hate the nights that throw me into the depths of morning without sympathy.
The nights where expensive moments tick away beyond my control, and each second is one I can't get back.
The nights where my body aches for an unconscious moment of serene.
The very nights that will lead to my downfall the next day.

Much like this one...

Virginia's Solstice

2010-01-22T17:45:00.003-07:00

There was a summer that smelled of oranges,

Where thick humidity softened the day

And I was young, sweet, and impressionable

Green hills flirted with black top for miles and miles

And the depth of Virginia's land saturated my soul

My mind cleared and peace took the place of pain

Max sat next to me on the porch swing, panting over his collar

Haze of evening carried the weight of my thoughts on her shoulders gracefully

And I was willing to let her do that for me

Because I needed the release

Because I needed the exchange

Because I longed for her harmony

I was finally free. Free to laugh, free to write, free to find a spirit

My own, the one I had locked away summers prior to that

And I knew he watched from a distance, but I let him do so

He loved me for it, and I loved him for being there

He was my laughter and my escape,

Reincarnating the giddy butterflies in my stomach

There was a summer that smelled of fireworks

Where effervescent lights coveted night's sky

And I was young, sweet, and impressionable

Silver stars danced above us as we lay on our backs

Flirting on that very black top, still warm from the heat of day

And the depth of his tranquility imparted to me a gift I hope to one day return

A soft, seamless, serenity

A summer solstice in Virginia

Priceless

2010-01-21T18:35:00.005-07:00

"Sometimes me think;
What is friend?

And then me say,
A friend is someone to
share last cookie with!"

-Cookie Monster

NUFF SAID! I have the most awesome, caring, loving, sharing, supportive and beautiful friends in the entire world. Thanks you guys, for being there. For being some of the richest blessings in my life :)

I LOVE YOU, and I'll share my last cookie with you ANY day!

Gonna Miss Him

2010-01-21T09:46:00.001-07:00

One of my all time favorite TV personaities is Conan O'Brien. I love his whacky sense of humor and he has kept me laughing for years.

I'm saddened that NBC is moving Leno back to the Tonight Show (it's obvious the guy needs to retire as his newer show this year hasn't taken off). I don't really think it's fair that NBC yanked a program that was working (O'Brien's) only to give it back to Leno when Leno's show was the failure. But, that's showbiz I guess.

Hopefully another TV network will offer Conan a contract soon. I will miss watching him and all his quirkiness. However, I have confidence that we'll be watching him and all his comedic goodness soon.

So long Conan, it was fun while it lasted! Here's to the next opportunity!

Today, There Was A Party In The USA

2010-01-20T15:02:00.003-07:00

On my drive to work today I saw something I don't see every day, and quite frankly, I'm glad I don't.

I came to the top of the hill I drive down every day and the roads were a bit icy. I saw the flashing red and blue lights just as my car reached the top before the decent, and there to my right was a black SUV that had crashed through someone's front yard, having taken out the railing that lined the steps up to their doorway.

The woman driving the SUV was still in the drivers seat, filling out paper work. The residents (or at least I assume they lived there) were standing on their front porch just looking at the mess in disbelief. And the cop was sitting in his jeep and also appeared to be filling out paper work.

It's scary enough to wreck a vehicle I'm sure (I wouldn't actually know because I have never wrecked my car, KNOCK ON WOOD), but to wreck your vehicle AND take out someone's front yard (and almost house) has got to be pretty nerve racking.

That just goes to show how important it is to slow down and drive carefully in Utah's winter conditions. Even when it appears that only a "light dusting" of snow has fallen, it's still cold outside, thus making the roads "slickery" to quote my hubby.

In other news of things strange (and funny in this case), I walked into Subway for lunch and two guys were sitting at a table eating. They looked a little eccentric but nothing too out of the ordinary. All of a sudden the song "Party In the USA" by Miley Cyrus comes on, on the overhead sound system. One of the guys said (rather loudly) "Party in the USA! I LOVE this song!"

Now I know what you're thinking... he was probably making fun of the song and said it sarcastically. Don't worry, that's what I would have assumed too, had I not been there and seen the twinkle in his eye and heard him START TO SING ALONG!

I'm not joking.

Singing along. This guy was actually sincere about his love for the song, and was singing in between bites of his 6" sub.

Now I don't hate. Who cares if he likes the song right? But seriously, coming from this guy, I would have never imagined in a million years that he's a fan of Miley Cyrus. But to each his own right?

I'm noddin' my head like "Yeah!"

Movin' my hips like "Yeah!"

Tell Me Something True

2010-01-19T13:30:00.003-07:00

If you're like me, you love a good read. A book you can't put down. A book that takes you to a place that you've never been, even if you don't leave the comfort of your own home.

For me, I usually get into the reading mood this time of year. It's typically cold outside and I like to be at home, warm and cozy, with a good story. This year, I happened to randomly pick out a perfect book on a total whim. That book was "Tell Me Something True" by Leila Cobo.

I seriously cried during the last few chapters of this book. Michael asked me if I had cried sad tears because I had finished it and the story was over, or good tears because the story was so good. My answer to this was "both" :)

I'm not going to tell you about it, you'll have to read it for yourself (this book has a 5 star ranking on Amazon.com and there are several good customer reviews if you'd like to read more about it). The most amazing part is that this is Cobo's debut novel. Such a talented writer, I'm anxious for her to release more books as I'm always in the mood for a wonderful read.

Pick it up! You won't be sorry you did!

On the Air

2010-01-18T15:44:00.001-07:00

Remember the wolf dream I posted about below?

Well, I was on the radio this morning having my dream analyzed by Lauri from the Dream Zone on the 97.1 ZHT-Morning Zoo radio program this morning.

My friend David was kind enough to send me the email addresses of the three dj's on this program because he has had his dreams analyzed in the past. On Thursday, I sent them an email about my dream and Frankie responded to my email asking if I'd like to go on the air Monday morning. I agreed and at 6:30 this morning, I had an early wake-up call from DB (other dj).

It was quite amazing and not what I had expected to be honest. Lauri told me that since I was surrounded by snow, in a cold environment, that meant a relationship of some sorts had grown cold in my life. She asked how things were in my marriage to which I responded great and then I mentioned that I pretty much hated my job and she said that must be it. I had grown cold to my career. Which makes sense considering in my dream I was on a path.

Lauri described the field lined by trees and a fence in my dream what I am viewing as the unobtainable career (which makes complete sense). She said I was walking on a snow covered path, more a less my career path that I had grown cold towards. Isn't it amazing how our subconscious minds try to work out our emotions in our dreams?

She then went on to explain that the wolf represented a mother and children (the wolf was female and I new she had babies hidden somewhere in the field). She asked me if I had kids and when I responded "no" she asked if this was something I wanted, or if it was a challenge I was facing in my life.

I basically explained that Michael has had a vasectomy and that we both know having children in the future is going to take some serious planning, money and effort. She explained that this is what the wolf represented in my dream (in the form of a challenge and fear of the situation) which I faced head on (thus I hit the wolf on the head with the rock).

I wanted to ask her more questions but it was over with so fast and I didn't feel like I had much time. However, what I was able to gain from this was a lot of perspective about my dream, what my subconscious is telling me, and how I am sorting through my emotions. Now if I only had time to get my other dream analyzed... perhaps in the future, but for now I have at least one explained.

If you guys have dreams that you'd like analyzed, you can visit Lauri's website at http://www.thedreamzone.com/ or you can tune in to 97.1 ZHT on Monday mornings.

Sweet dreams :)

Survival Mode

2010-01-14T11:44:00.000-07:00

Where did I sign up for this? I want to know. Show me the dotted line that I signed stating I was more than willing to participate in this monotonous, day in day out crap?

I’m tired (and obviously bitchy).

This isn’t any fun. All it is, is work. Drive 45 minutes to work, sit in a box for 8 hours, stare at a monitor, eat lunch alone, drive 45 minutes back home. DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY!

I love the saying “think outside of the box” because it’s such an oxy moron. How are we supposed to think outside of the box when we are constantly IN a box? I mean, look around you? EVERYTHING is square. We live in boxes, we work in smaller boxes within bigger boxes, we shop in boxes, we eat in boxes, we spend our lives on computers shaped like boxes, we park in boxes, we sleep in boxes, bathe in boxes, watch entertainment on boxes...(have I made my point?) EVERYTHING is square. So yeah, think OUTSIDE the box will you? (laughs)

And right after I get the chance to ask where I signed up for this, I’m going to ask about the concept of money. Why? It’s just something that made the entire human race slaves to life. It made us greedy, powerful, dishonorable, poor, prisoners, miserable, etc.... It sucked the life out of any life we had a chance of living.

We go to work. Why? To make money. Why? To survive. And yet, is what I’m doing on a daily bases really surviving? Being miserable all the time? Is that living? The needle is stuck and yet the record isn’t scratched.

When am I ever going to have the chance to travel the world and put my toes in every body of water that exists on this planet? When am I going to have the chance to sleep until I’m not tired, so I can wake up feeling refreshed and alive? When am I going to have the chance to spend the day doing what I want, how I want to, for as long as I want to without the pressures of a job and bills and responsibility constantly looming in the back of my mind? When am I going to be free? Free to LIVE OUTSIDE of a fucking box?

Am I depressed? Maybe. Hell, who wouldn’t be living within this record stuck on repeat? Maybe everyone who is depressed is actually normal because we SEE REALITY and those who aren’t are the ones living in a crazy fantasy.

This world is full of SICK. Power hungry bullies, liars, cheaters, killers, losers, betrayers. This world is sick itself. Disease, poverty, pain, pollution, death (now you know why I don’t like watching the news anymore- I can already tell you what’s on because it’s been on the last 30 years of my life). New channel please.

I’m not angry or bitter (really, I’m not although the tone of this post probably comes across that way). I’m just tired. I’m tired of feeling trapped. I’m tired of being too tired to escape. I’m tired of hoping for change. I’m tired of working so hard just to live like this. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of feeling this way.

I had the strangest dream last night. My old 8th grade teacher had given us a photography assignment to capture 4 images of ourselves in everyday objects. I don’t mean literal reflections in objects, but more like symbols, or representations of us in objects.

My one friend started taking pictures immediately, of bright, soft, round objects like fuzzy polka-dotted slippers. She was moving very quickly as if she didn’t need to give the assignment much thought.

I on the other hand didn’t know what to capture. I went walking to think about what I would shoot, and found myself in an abandoned car sitting in the driver’s seat with my legs stretched out towards the passenger side. I was trying to capture the frame of the passenger side window within the shot so that the picture would show that I was inside something looking out. I was aiming the camera at some white flowers that closed up at night (much like tulips). And they were growing along the perimeter of a rusty barrel.

I think I wanted to capture this because I somehow knew the barrel had been placed over the soil where the bulbs of the flowers had been planted, and yet with the barrel there, the flowers were able to still break soil and simply grow around the barrel. I was in total awe of this. And yet, I was taking the picture from inside the car instead of outside in front of the flowers.

A few nights before this I dreamed I was walking along a snow covered path. The snow was fresh and it was very cold. There were trees that lined the right side of the path and a fence behind the trees. On the other side of the fence was a field. On the other side of the path, there was a field and far across the field was a public road, but it was far to get to and nobody would be able to see me from the road.

As I was walking down the path, I recognized a large white and grey wolf ahead of me, also walking on the path, in the same direction as I was so her back was to me. But I knew she would catch wind of my scent as soon as the breeze carried it to her. I was afraid because somehow I knew she had babies somewhere waiting for her, and she was out searching for food.

As soon as this thought crossed my mind I saw the wolf stop walking and turn around to face me on the path. I quickly dove behind a large rock that was along the path in the hopes that she wouldn’t find me because I knew she’d turn around and come looking. As I hid there, I pushed snow around on the ground looking for a large rock. I was searching for any kind of weapon because I was fully aware that I was too far from the road to get help. When I looked up the wolf was facing me, her body prepared to attack. She was growling at me, salivating, and showing her teeth. She wanted me out of there.

But I had found a large rock on the ground and was now holding it in both hands. I knew she was close enough that I could slam the rock down on her head hard enough to either seriously harm her or kill her, which would give me enough time to escape to the main road. But I was torn. Torn because I knew if I killed her, her babies wouldn’t survive. But if I didn’t protect myself, she would attack me. So, I slammed the rock down on her head as hard as I could, and I heard a cry pour out (I don’t know if it was mine or hers). I could see blood on the snow and I immediately felt so guilty that instead of getting up to run towards the road, my eyes began to water. I hurt her, bad. And I was certain she was going to die. I felt too guilty to run but I didn’t know what to do. Then I woke up with a huge knot in my throat.

These dreams seem to have two common themes and a common color as I think about it: White, Being trapped, and survival. The white flowers trapped under the barrel survived by growing around the barrel. I was trapped behind a large rock, face to face with a white wolf. But I survived by killing the wolf. Is my conscience trying to tell me something? Am I simply in survival mode right now?

Somedays, I Wish I Had a Wife

2010-01-10T14:22:00.007-07:00

I'm sure this thought has crossed the mind of every married woman: "I wish I had a little more help around the house."

Lately, that thought has crossed my mind too.

Recently, Michael and I enjoyed 2 weeks of holiday vacation. However, I think one of us enjoyed it a little more than the other.

Don't get me wrong, Michael did take all the boxes of Christmas stuff downstairs after I spent two days taking it down (by myself). Granted, I'm the one who put it up, so I guess logically, I'm the one who should take it down right? But didn't we ALL enjoy it? Wouldn't someone have said something if I hadn't put the tree up or hung the stockings by the chimney with care? I'm sure the lack of Christmas decor wouldn't have gone unnoticed or unmentioned... so I put it up. And I dare say WE ALL enjoyed it.

Also during the two weeks of "vacation" I did all loads of laundry. Twice. I also cleaned the bathrooms, dusted everything, vacuumed everything, windexed everything, and swept the kitchen floors. I also baked, cooked, loaded and unloaded the dishwasher countless times, folded and put away clean laundry (except I put all of Michael's things in a basket which are new strewn across the floor on his side of the bed or still in said basket), and made sure dinner was on the table every night. ALL BY MYSELF.

Is it any wonder that I returned to work from my holiday "vacation" and got sick? Probably not.

Yes I watched my fare share of movies, and played video games during my time off. But I also made sure all the house work was done too. I didn't spend all day downstairs in the "man cave" in my pj's having not showered, watching football all day. In fact, when this did happen for the umpteenth time, I was upstairs fuming (which is why all Michael's clean laundry ended up in a basket on his side of the bed and not put away; I was annoyed and exhausted).

One night he was downstairs so long playing games that he didn't even make it upstairs to bed. He just stayed in the basement. And all the Christmas lights and bows are still up outside even though the sun is shining and this would be a great day to put it away... His son Kyle went home last Monday after spending two weeks with us, and finally yesterday I went and collected the boxes and wrappers left behind in his bedroom. The bed is still unmade and the sheets haven't been washed, because I keep hoping SOMEONE will realize it would be nice to strip the bed and do the laundry (but it'll probably sit there until I do it because it needs done in time for another house guest).

I'm not writing this post to bash my husband. I love him and he's a good guy. I guess I just wish I didn't feel like the burden of keeping up a 3600 sq ft house falls on me everytime. A marriage is supposed to be team work right? And before you tell me I should talk to Michael about this, I'm well aware that a marriage consists of communication too, but a small part of me is hoping his observation skills will kick in without me having to say something (probably the mistake of many wives).

The floors still need mopped, the rugs need washed, the carved pumpkins from our Halloween party are still sitting on the back deck frozen and covered in snow (and yes, I've asked him many times to throw them away, but apparently the Halloween party was MY party... he wasn't there having fun or carving pumpkins or anything...).

Today? He's upstairs sleeping. Has been for 3 hours now. Yesterday he mentioned he wanted to make sure he "felt like he had a weekend."

I know exactly what it's like to feel that way. I have pretty much felt that way after every weekend. I work a full time job too, and I'm trying to finish my field project. And yes, I have had the last two days off of work, but I've been downing medicine and going through the Kleenexs faster than you can blink.

I don't know if he doesn't recognize all the cleaning projects that need to be done constantly because he's spent the last 5 years living on base in the room the size of a shoe box that didn't require much attention, but something's gotta give. I'm not OCD like some of my friends, but I have a hard time relaxing in a home that isn't clean. And I have a hard time letting messes sit around until someone else notices and takes care of them.

Did I mention that while sick, my husband still came home to a post roast dinner, complete with hot biscuits, mashed potatoes and gravy?

Like I said, I need a wife too.

Mario Queen

2010-01-09T10:11:00.004-07:00

Yup, I did it. I passed the game.

Oh, I don't mean just all 8 worlds. I mean I unlocked the secret world, then I got all the start coins in worlds 1-8 and unlocked all 8 playing courses in world 9, and then I completed all 8 courses in world 9.

The only thing I have left to do is go back through all the courses in 9 and collect the coins.

Yeah, I'm the Mario Queen.

Eat it, Princess Peach :P

Don't Mind Me

2010-01-07T19:06:00.001-07:00

I'm just here sneezing all over the place.

At least I'm not coughing. But my nose is running and I have that annoying little twitch in my nose (causing me to sneeze) that won't go away. It just makes my nose tickle and my eyes water. BLEAH. I hate being sick.

I got the crock pot out today and put in a pot roast, cut up some onions, carrots, celery, and potatoes. Let it cook and simmer all day so I could spend my free time sitting on the couch bonding with a box of Kleenex.

I'm sure it smelled yummy. I hope Michael walked in the house thinking "Mmmmm dinner sure smells good!" I didn't get to enjoy the aroma (stuffy nose).

Once everything was cooked, I made mashed potatoes, gravy, and biscuits. I wasn't THAT hungry, but it all looked so good! However, I couldn't taste a bite of it. About the only thing I could taste was the melted butter on my biscuit. KeeLee ended up getting the roast and gravy that was left on my plate (no I didn't feed her from the table). I did make an effort to eat my veggies though. Gotta get better somehow.

I'd probably be really skinny if I went through life unable to smell and taste food. It sorta takes all the fun out of eating. Food just feels like something in your mouth that shouldn't be there and I have a gag reflex that is easily triggered, so yeah, I'd like to think I'd be wearing size 4 pants. A girl can dream right?

At least I got to work on my field project today. Not something I consider fun, but it needs to be done, and one of my resolutions this year was to get cracking on it. I'm almost done with chapter two. Only four more to go.

Hopefully I get better soon. I'm not one who gets sick often (it's been a solid two years without a cold) so I'm pretty cranky right now. Blew my track record...

Ha ha, get it? "Blew" as in my nose? As in... yeah, I know. LAME.

Breathe In, Hold It, Breathe Out

2010-01-06T10:34:00.001-07:00

Well, after spending one hour in the waiting room at the doctor's office, I finally got to visit with my doc about my lungs (and how they aren't functioning up to par). Oh yes you read that right, ONE HOUR. Here's a timeline recap:

3:45- Leave work for my appointment
4:00- Check in for appointment
4:15- Scheduled appointment time which comes and then goes... me still waiting in the waiting room.
4:30- Still waiting, and getting very annoyed with the children screaming, crying, coughing and sneezing all over the place.
5:00- Go back to the front desk and remind the receptionist that I checked in an hour ago for a 4:15 appointment and am wondering if there is a problem.
5:15- Finally get to see the doctor.

The next 45 minutes is a blur as I tie on a cloth gown and have two oxygen tests run (blow into a tube, let me put this on your finger, blah blah) and then chest xrays.

The doctor comes back in and gives me an inhaler with instructions, tells me to keep a close eye on myself and symptoms over the next week (considering I have had pneumonia) and tells me that something is certainly going on with my lungs but it may just be a virus (or the shitty Utah air). I'm supposed to call her in a week to let her know if I need another inhaler.

6:00- I finally get to leave to go home.

What's insane is that it took me (from start to finish) 2 hours and 15 minutes to get an inhaler.

*cough*

Not Again

2010-01-05T15:34:00.002-07:00

I guess once you've been lucky enough to have Pneumonia, you're totally susceptible to having it again.
I was precisely so lucky to come down with Pneumonia right after my wedding shower.

I was also lucky enough to trudge around in my wedding gown having my bridals taken while:
A) I was hot and then cold, hot and then cold, back and forth, on and on
B) I was breaking into either a hot sweat or a cold sweat based on my temperature
C) I ached all over like someone had literally hit me with a bus and then reversed over my limp, lifeless body
D) I was wheezing like an 80 year old chain smoker, unable to catch my breath as I walked up and down the hills of Thanksgiving point in my heavy ass dress and wedding shoes, trying to get good shots.

Michelle, you got married in 2007, why are you bringing this up now?

Because I have a doctor's appointment today at 4:15 to hear that I'm on the verge of Pneumonia again.

Last time I didn't notice the signs. I just thought I was really tired at first. Then I thought that I was way out of shape because I couldn't go up 14 stairs without being completely winded and feeling like I was going to faint.

It wasn't until my chest felt like an elephant was sleeping on it that I realized I might want to go to the doctor. I seriously just thought I had a really bad cold with chest congestion. But no, the doctor listened to me breathe in, decided to take some x-rays and came back in the room and said "I can't believe you are even up walking. You're left lung is completely full and you only have 40% breathing capacity in your right lung."

I walked out of there with a prescription to some serious steroids and an inhaler. But the worst part? I started feeling crappy at my wedding shower (April 21st). I didn't go to the doctor until the middle of May. Yup, I walked around with my "cold" for almost a month before getting help.

Now that I can recognize the symptoms and warning signs (and now that I'm susceptible to Pneumonia again) I decided to not waste any time and go to the doctor. It started this weekend when I couldn't get warm. I literally had to take a scalding hot shower to warm up on one night because I couldn't get warm. Even cuddling up to my hubby, the human furnace, I couldn't get warm.

Then the lack of air started. My lungs feel weak. I'm wheezing (not coughing but wheezing, and yes, there's a difference). I don't feel like I can take a good solid deep breath, I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm tired... I started to contribute my lung issue to this crappy Salt Lake inversion (for those of you not in Utah, look it up, it's something awful and us lucky Utahns get to live with it every winter). But rather than make excuses, I decided I was going to be ahead of the game on this one.

I know I don't have all the symptoms, but I have enough of them. And I am NOT going to go through what I did last time round. Pneumonia knocked me flat on my ass and I was lucky that I got better in time for my wedding in June.

I KNOW! JUNE! Who gets pneumonia in the summer?

Anyway, I'm hoping for some good news at the doctor's visit today. I'm also hoping for something to help me breathe!

My Vision...

2010-01-04T16:03:00.013-07:00

Have you ever found yourself in the place you were meant to be with the person you were meant to be with?

I'm lucky because I have. The only problem is, I'm not there now.

I'm still with Michael but we are here in yucky, nasty Utah. I hate this time of year, especially here. I look outside and see a fog of inversion that I know won't lift until March, and that's if we're lucky.

I pull on my hoodie knowing that I'm going to freeze until May, maybe even June. It has snowed on my summer birthday before, and more than once.

Unfortunately the place I feel most alive isn't the place I've put down roots. The place that feeds my imagination, and offers a welcoming calm that I can't obtain here is along the east coast. Specifically coastal North Carolina. I ache for her. I have since I last left her. And it's been far too long since I've returned to her.

I mean, look at this place? How can you not gaze upon this beauty and not feel at home?

I just look at these pictures and find myself dreaming of being on the beach, hearing the waves crash, feeling the sand between my toes and the coastal breeze in my hair. There's nothing more energizing for my spirit.

And I also love the idea of decorating a coastal home. If you ever visit my house, you'll see North Carolina throughout many of the rooms. It's my comfort, and my permanent wish to be surrounded by it. I look at pictures like these, and I just feel peace, tranquility, and the reassurance that I was born to walk barefoot in the sand :) Maybe one day I will, and there won't be a suitcase waiting for my return to a place I don't belong.

My ultimate dream is to move to the coast and be an interior designer with a coastal flare. Funny that what I'm living now is so far from that dream. Then again, and in my defense, I didn't realize this dream until about two years ago... but one day, ONE DAY it will be a reality.

What's your ulitmate dream/vision?

(All images found).

Auld Lang Syne

2010-01-02T11:54:00.002-07:00

A recap of 2009 (thank goodness it's over)!

January-
I closed on our new home on January 5th. I say "I" because Michael was still in North Carolina so I had to go to the closing myself. Which means I had to sign all those billions of documents TWICE. My hand kinda hurt afterwards, but not so much that I couldn't put the house keys on my key chain :) It was exciting and I was so glad the wait was over.

Also in January, I had the hardwood floors in our new home re-sanded and stained. They hadn't been touched in 20 years and needed some TLC. I also purchased new carpet for the entire first two floors and had that installed before we moved in. I also purchased new tile for the master bathroom (which still isn't in yet as we are going to wait till after we rip out the vanity to do that).

As exciting as it was to get a new home in January, the best part of all was that Michael was moving to Utah. Our long separation of almost 3,000 miles had come to an end. He packed up his belongings and bid farewell to the Marines and North Carolina. He drove a UHaul cross-country and arrived at my door step. I can't even explain to you the relief I felt in my heart to finally have the man I love home. No more two week visits and then a trip to the airport. He was home for good.

February-
As if January weren't full of enough changes, I quit my job at Stampin' Up! and started my new job on February 16th. Apparently life changes come in threes: new house, actually living with my husband, and a new job. I don't really remember February as I think it went by so fast. I was probably so busy adjusting to my new life that I didn't have time for the little details of the every day routine.

March-
I believe March was full of house projects. I know we painted the formal living room a new shade of beige. We also painted the bathroom off of the kitchen, and the wall above the fireplace in the family room. The sink fixtures and counter knobs were replaced in the bathroom as well as the light fixture. We went from a sterling silver to a brushed bronze. We replaced the ceiling fan in the family room as well. I believe many hours were spent at Home Depot and Lowes as we tried to improve the little things in our home that were affordable projects.

April-
More house projects! We painted the bedroom in the basement a beautiful sea greenish/blue color that I LOVE! Michael also installed bead board along the perimeter of the room about half way up on each wall. We also decorated it with all the things that reminded me of North Carolina. I love this room and we got it done just in time for a summer guest. Oh, and we purchased and installed new toilets for the master bathroom and the bathroom off the kitchen. When I say "we" I mean Michael, but I supervised :)

May-
I participated in Westminster College's graduation ceremony. I walked across stage with a hood instead of a lapel to signify my accomplishments in the Masters of Professional Communication program. Although I'm not finished with my field project, I am done with all the course work that pertains to the classroom. I've procrastinated a good deal on my field project and hope to get it done this year. But in my defense, I was pretty busy adjusting to my new life and all. After my graduation ceremony, we went to the airport to pick up my step-son Kyle. He flew in from Hot-Lanta and was going to be spending the summer with us. Grandma was unable to travel up to Salt Lake for my graduation because earlier that month she had taken a spill at Wal-Mart and shattered her knee cap. We're so lucky that things weren't worse. She had to have two different surgeries, but she's walking full steem now.

June-
Happy birthday to me! Spent with the girls and my hubby at the Melting Pot eating many delicious treats dipped in delightful chocolate. A very yummy place to celebrate my 29 years. Also, happy anniversary to Michael and I! We celebrated our second year of marriage (although finally having him home, it felt like just six months) by staying the night at the same hotel in Park City that we stayed in the first time he came to Utah. We spent way too much money at the outlet mall and ran into our good friend Marge who was also in Park City shopping.

June was also a month filled with outdoor projects. I spent many hours digging in the dirt, pulling up plants I didn't like that the previous owners had planted, and replacing them with colorful petals of reds, oranges, yellows, whites, and purples. We also hung an adorable white porch swing. I love my front porch. It reminds me of a southern plantation porch. Although it's not a wrap-around porch, the white pillars and porch swing, and the white Adirandack rocking chair help to pull in the southern vibe. I also hung three large hanging potted geranium plants that bloomed throughout the summer.

In the backyard, I planted more flowers, and prepped an island for a fountain that we later purchased which I love. It's a terra cotta color with a lion spouting water. It's so fun to sit on the deck and listen to it. There's just something about the sound of trickling water. And my favorite feature is that it lights up at night.

June was also full of fun because my good friend Jen flew out from Boston for a "workation" at my house and my friend Kim also arrived from Texas. She worked during the day (as did I) and played at night. There were many a cup of snow we purchased from the best lil snow cone shack in Utah.

July-
We're gonna see the fireworks! And we did. Although we didn't have a themed party this year, I did have a large BBQ complete with yummy food, good friends, and a firework show in our driveway. July wasn't as hot as it typically is (which I was grateful for) so the summer was quite enjoyable. I believe July was spent consuming snow cones and re-finishing the basement after Kyle managed to flood a potion of it.

Because of the flood, and the stink that consumed our house due to 20 year old wet pad and carpet, we bought new carpet! And if you're planning on painting (which we were) it's always best to do the dirty work before your fresh clean carpet is installed, so we did. My basement is now a beautiful golden yellow accented by chocolates, kelly greens, and a reddish rust color. Jen was willing to help us paint, and when Kim arrived us girls went shopping for furniture and new curtains. There's now a comfy micro-fiber sectional with chase lounges on both ends. It seats 4-5 comfortably. I also have a new entertainment system complete with blue-ray, bose speakers, and a 52" flat screen high definition TV. I also love our custom made book- shelf with sliding doors (it makes me feel like such a grown up to have such a piece of furniture). I LOVE how everything turned out.

August-
Kyle returned back to Hot-Lanta and both Kim and Jen were gone so I believe August was a quiet month for Michael and I. The yard work was done, we took a break from house projects as we were both exhausted and broke from the previous ones, and I believe we spent more time consuming snow cones and sitting on the porch swing. I think this was about the time I started to realize that my new job was starting to feel extremely unchallenging and I realized this was not a company I wanted to spend many years with. I participated in our annual international convention which just about killed me, and then began looking around for something new (which I haven't found yet).

September-
Happy 39th birthday Michael! No, I didn't make an angel food cake from scratch, and no I didn't make seven minute frosting. But if he plays his cards right, maybe 2010 will be his lucky year...

I spent September back outside in the dirt. I love tulips and spring flowers in general so I spent many hours digging holes 4-6" deep to plant bulbs that may or may not come up this year. We'll see. I'm crossing my fingers, because if they do come up, my yard is going to be one beautiful sight to gaze upon come spring.

October-
Celebrated Dave's birthday and went to see "Where the Wild Things Are" which was quite exciting considering 1- Dave's brother Paul chucked a fork across the Pizza Factory, almost taking out a cute old grandpa, and 2- Michael almost had a take down at the theatre with the jerk sitting next to him (his cell phone was going off throughout the movie, and every time he'd take a bite of popcorn, he'd jab Michael in the side with his elbow).

I also decorated the house with Halloween stuff and spent time at the hospital because both Mom and Grandma were having surgery to patch holes in their hearts. My uncle Brent flew in from Alaska to help out and it was good to see him considering it had been 15 years. Both Mom and Grandma recovered well.

November-
I think this was the most difficult month of 2009. It was filled with death and sadness and triggered a pain in me that isn't quite gone. My friend Billy completed suicide on the 7th leaving behind two little girls and a husband. I've never really lost a friend to death until this point, and considering the circumstances of her death, it hasn't been an easy one to accept. Shortly after Billy's death, my next door neighbor from when I was growing up in Price, was killed in a car accident. Also, my good childhood friend's father suddenly died from a heart attack while on a bike ride and his body was found the next day in a ditch not far from his home.

Two good things happened this month: 1- I spent my first Thanksgiving in my new home with family (except for my brother who stayed in Price) and participated in Black Friday shopping in the big city for the first time ever, and celebrated my mother's birthday. And 2- we had new windows installed on our main floor and in our basement. They're awesome and energy efficient!

I loved decorating for Christmas and was so happy with how everything turned out in my house. It looked so festive and cozy. But shortly after I began to really get into the spirit of the upcoming holiday, I learned that my brother and his wife were getting divorced. This put a damper on the remainder of the year.

December-
A blur to be honest. A blur of mixed emotions as I mourned the death of Billy, and a blur of mixed emotions for my brother as I hate to see him in pain but am glad he's no longer married to his ex-wife.

Christmas was a total wreck (see above post) and that's about all I have to say about the holiday.

New Years Eve actually didn't suck this year which was kind of cool. I made a delicious ham dinner, complete with tasty sides, and we rang in the new year with friends, card games, and Rock Band (one of our favorite past times).

So for 2010 my resolutions are:

Find a new job that challenges me, and makes me feel like I'm actually contributing something worthwhile to my personal career and the company I work for.
Finish my field project.
Pay off some debt.
Lose (or at least hopefully not gain any) weight.
Take at least one trip this year (either to Boston to see Jen, or back to North Carolina as I miss it so much).
Complete either a bathroom or kitchen remodel depending on our financial situation.
Either fix or purchase a new car as I'm currently driving a lemon.
Try to find peace of mind.

Whatever your resolutions, I hope 2010 is a safe and happy one for you!

And Now for Your Entertainment...

2009-12-29T00:37:00.002-07:00

Why is it when people go to the movies they can't seem to abide by two simple rules:

Turn off your cell phone. This means TURN IT OFF. Do not text, do not make a call, do not answer a call (if it's off, you shouldn't even be getting a call). If you can't handle 2 hours of cell-phone free entertainment, then you're probably not a good candidate for going to see movies in the theatre. Just rent them and stay at home (you'll be doing the rest of us a huge favor, really).
SHUT UP! I didn't pay to listen to you talk about your boyfriend, the latte you had this morning at Starbucks, or how your brother knows someone who knows someone who is related to what's his face in the movie. I paid to watch the movie, free of your voice and commentary. So stuff that hole in your face with some popcorn or something (whatever it takes, just shut it).

Thanks for your cooperation.

Merry Freakin Christmas

2009-12-25T20:06:00.006-07:00

Christmas. BLEAH.

For the past several years, Christmas has taken a downhill turn in the Leo household. It first began the year Dallas and his girlfriend Lindsey broke up right before the holidays. Having lost who he thought was the love of his life, there was a dark rain cloud that followed my brother after every "Merry Christmas" that rang through our decked out hall.

The following year, Dallas got engaged to the same girl who had previously broken his heart just 12 months prior. Lindsey was the girl none of us thought he should be marrying. The day after Christmas, with rocks in our stomachs over the engagement, we all sat around the kitchen table listening to the argument that took place in the hallway between Dallas and Lindsey about another rock: how large her diamond should be (in Lindsey's mind, she was going to get exactly what she wanted or she wasn't going to be happy- yeah shocker). We were crossing our fingers that this fight would be their last instead of their first of many. Were we ever wrong.

That Christmas holds a special place in my heart... ruined by the fact that two people who were so wrong for each other were planning the "I Do's" and a future together.

The next Christmas I proceeded to bring my fiancé home for what I thought would be a wonderful year, only to have him and my entire family make me the brunt of every.single.joke. Now I can tease, and I can take being teased, but when I was expecting to come home for an exciting Christmas full of loving memories, I was quickly soured by the taste of sarcasm that never quit, long after the invited comedic timing.

I don't really remember the Christmas after that one, so that just goes to show you how memorable IT was. Except I believe that is the year I brought my new puppy home and our existing terrier went straight for her neck in the hallway, almost causing a puppy-dog-death.

Last year, both Michael and I were under the stress of closing on our new home (which happened to fall on Jan 5th) and waiting upon Michael's security clearance so he could go to work for homeland security.

These fond memories bring me to THIS year. Dallas is in the midst of a divorce (yeah, see above paragraphs about two people who should have never been married) so I didn't really expect a merry and bright holiday. I was planning on a nice quiet holiday at home with family, some movies, a card game or two, and just being together... LIKE FAMILIES DO AT CHRISTMAS. However what I got was the entire town of Price in my parents' house. When we first arrived, my dad had two clients who just HAD to have their animals measured (my dad measures for Pope n' Young). Why I ask you? WHY IN THE WORLD do you just HAVE to have your dead animal measured at my house on Christmas Eve? Don't you have anything better to be doing?

THEN the rest of the town that hadn't yet showed up decided to bombard my parents' kitchen. The drinking began at 5:30 and I don't believe it stopped until 1:30. It's kinda of weird to feel like a stranger in your own home, especially at Christmas. Our basement isn't really finished (it is, but not with a family room or anything) so there's really no place to escape the madness of 15 drunk people in your home that you don't really know. The way our house plan is arranged makes quiet time impossible. We have somewhat of an "open floor plan" so when there are 500 people in your kitchen, you can't really sit down to watch a movie or TV in the living room.

When there are 500 people in your kitchen (which is just off the dining room and family) you can't really sit down and visit with anyone without hearing drunken, unnecessary stories being told.

AND- on Christmas morning, when the phone starts ringing at 10:00 and the door bell starts ringing at 10:30, you can't really enjoy Christmas morning breakfast with the family.

It seriously makes me wonder- do these people who are bombarding our home, have families of their own to spend Christmas with? Don't they have a mother and father they'd like to have Christmas dinner with? I mean, they drove all the way to this God-forsaken town to visit someone other than us- so why are they not WITH THEIR FAMILY as I would like to be with mine?

Oh and I didn't mention that every single time the door bell would ring, 3 dogs would have to run from one end of the house to the other barking furiously not only AT the guests, but then one another.

In the rare but quiet moments that did exist today, my mother and I sat down and tried to watch a movie. That happened for all of 30 minutes. It was lovely while it lasted....oh wait, it didn't last. It was over before I could even start enjoying myself.

I guess in my mind, (and hopes, and wishes, and dreams that will probably never come true), Christmas will one day consist of 12 hours where I can actually sit down with my loved ones and spend time with them... either watching a movie, or playing a card game, or visiting, or WHATEVER.... but I'll actually be able to BE with them, instead of be a stranger within the four walls called "home".

If that holiday ever comes to pass, I fear it will be because I refuse to drive to Price to (not) spend time with my family. I can easily be a stranger in my own home, alone on the holidays and probably enjoy myself more than I have the past 24 hours in this zoo.

Call me mean, selfish, bratty, cruel, I don't really care what you call it. I call it sad. Sad because I honestly haven't had a fond memory of Christmas in at least 5 years. At a time where there is so much to be thankful for, I honestly feel alone.

...And I shit you not, the door bell just rang. AGAIN.

Merry Freakin' Christmas.

Affixer

2009-12-17T16:54:00.002-07:00

I'm doing my best, stepping ever so lightly
To avoid the pin-prick of needles engulfing me whole
But a wrench is wrapped 'round my heart squeezing tightly
Forcing pain to spill out and splash upon my soul

A crimson pool now ripples, colliding with my spirit

I know I must face this hang-over without an elixir

And although there are moments I can barely hear it
I sense a bystander nearby whispering "Fix her"

Time speeds up but I walk aimlessly

Feeling backwards and numb

While the ghostly apparition taunts me shamelessly

I choke on the words "She's done"

Have Yourself a Little Merry...

2009-12-15T15:48:00.006-07:00

So although I'm excited for some holiday vacation time away from the office, I'm not totally stoked about Christmas this year.

It's funny because it seems the older I get, the harder a time I have feeling the Christmas spirit. For Michael and I, this is our first Christmas in our new home, and all through November I was so excited to decorate for Christmas. I'm really happy with the way everything turned out, it's very cozy and warm, but that Christmas spirit is kind of missing this year.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm getting older and with each year comes the higher realization that Christmas is such a commercialized event, or if it's the fact that Michael and I don't have any little kiddos running around the house just yet (because c'mon, kids really are the ones to make Christmas exciting), or if it's because of all the blahs I've been surrounded by. Not sure if it's a little from Column A and a little from Column B combined with Column C, or if it's one particular thing specifically, but regardless of what it is... it isn't what I'm used to feeling around Christmas.

For the past three years, I've always anticipated the holidays because I knew that was when I would get to spend a solid two weeks (or at least close to two weeks) with Michael because I knew he'd be coming home to me for the holidays. When you have to go two to four months between visits, it's pretty damn exciting when you get to see one another. This year, Michael is already here-- and don't get me wrong, that's a WONDERFUL thing, but now I'm looking for that something else to provide Christmas excitement.

Two posts ago I wrote about how fragile life is in general. It's been a rough three months in terms of loss, and just all around dumpiness in terms of friends and family losing loved ones. And it seems that dark cloud didn't exclude us as I learned of the death of a relationship: My brother's relationship with his soon to be ex-wife.

The Tuesday after Thanksgiving, Dallas told us that he and his wife were getting a divorce. This came as quite a shock to Dallas as the decision wasn't a mutual one; rather, he was told by his soon to be ex that she wanted a divorce.

Now Dallas isn't perfect, and I'm sure he contributed to the conflict in the marriage (after all, there's two sides to every story and it takes two people to fall in- and out- of love). However, Dallas is my brother, and therefore my alliance is with him. I hate to see him heartbroken. I hate to see him so angry about all of this. I hate to see him disappointed that he has to move back in with mom and dad and live in the basement. So needless to say, going home for Christmas this year is going to be a tad bit depressing. Mom already warned me that they're not really in the Christmas spirit right now. She didn't even want to put the tree up because nobody feels like being festive, and I totally understand (although she put it up anyway in an attempt to be merry and bright).

So yeah, I'm not really looking forward to celebrating this year. I'm not really looking forward to driving home and experiencing first hand, the gloom that must be lingering among the festive packages and bows.

But that's life right? It's not always going to be good times. It's not always going to be perfect. But at least I have a family to drive home to. At least my brother is alive and well (although heartbroken and angry). At least we get to be together even though we aren't the merriest of families at the moment. We have to stick together through the good and the bad, Christmas or not. Because that's what families do.

Things could always be worse. I'm learning that as I get older (funny how that happens).

But a tiny little part of me (the selfish part of me) is wishing things could be a little merrier. After all, it is Christmas, right?

Straight No Chaser

2009-12-11T14:35:00.003-07:00

I have been singing since I realized I had a voice. When I was a little girl, there would be mornings where I'd wake up and lay in bed singing to myself. My dad often came in to tell me he liked my song, or simply to ask what I was singing. In first grade I was one of the 6 soloists selected for the school Christmas play. That was a lot of fun.

I went on the join many choirs through the years. I spent all 4 years of college singing with both the Women's and Chamber choirs, touring Portland Oregon, and also performing in New York on Easter Sunday on the stage of Carnegie Hall.

Needless to say, I have a huge love in my heart for music. And I appreciate the talent, dedication, and hard work it takes to make a song take flight from the paper upon which it was written.

I guess that's why when I come across stuff like this, I can't help but share and exclaim "HOW AWESOME!!!"

So enjoy. Even if you aren't a singer, you'll appreciate how HARD these guys work at what they do:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Fe11OlMiz8

Fragile

2009-12-01T16:26:00.003-07:00

It's no secret that I suffer from anxiety. Even when I was a little girl I worried about the silliest things and had a hard time being patient.

Things haven't changed.

I still worry like crazy over things that are completely out of my control. And I'm not referring to little things like "What am I going to make for dinner?" or "What should I wear to work tomorrow?" No, I don't stress over the little things. It's the big things that keep me up at night.

Big things like:

What would I do if my parents were killed in a horrible car accident?
How would I cope with losing my husband?
When is my mom/dad going to come home from a doctor's appointment and announce they have some horrible, terminal illness?
What would I do if I lost one of my closest friends?

You see, the things I worry about aren't specifically about me per say, but more about the loss I might endure. I don't worry that I will get killed, or have some illness. No, I worry that someone I love will and that I'll then be left with nothing but a void in my life.

I don't know where these fears come from. I don't know why I can't just say to myself that I'm being silly and overreacting about something that is not likely to happen. I could say that. But then I'd be a total liar. Because things like this do happen. Because things like this happen to people I know. Because I don't have anything better to worry about, I guess.

The month of November has been a shitty one to say the least. Ironic that it's also the month where a holiday falls, a specific holiday that reminds us of all we have to be thankful for. I probably thought more this month about what I have to be thankful for, than I have any other month in my life. Why? Because the very things I fear were thrown in my face and seemed to be a constant reminder of just exactly what I have and haven't lost.

To be specific?

The loss of Billy. A loving, caring person whose pain seemed so unimaginable to her, that the only solution she could find peace in was suicide. And now I'm left reading facebook updates from her widowed husband about the void she's left in their life, and how it's just him and his two daughters left behind. My heart aches for that man every day.

The loss of Mindy's father. Mindy is a girl I grew up with. We were close all through school. She and I even competed on the same team that traveled to national competitions two years in a row. I had sleep overs at her house. I threw her a surprise party for her birthday one year. I love her sweet spirit and often we discuss our military husbands and how funny/ironic life can be. She's my age, her parents are my age. And she's now suffering from one of the things I fear the most. Five days before Thanksgiving, her father went on a bike ride just as he has done every night for years past. Only this time, he didn't come home from his ride. His body was found a day later in a ditch a little ways from his home. He suffered a massive heart attack. I've been thinking of Mindy and her mother so much these past few days. My heart hurts for them.

My old next door neighbor Iris. She was killed two weeks ago in a car accident in the canyon my family and I have traveled through for years (Spanish Fork). There were two others in the vehicle with her and they are fine, but Iris is gone. She leaves behind a husband, a daughter, and a son. I can't imagine what they are going through right now. Shock, pain, anger, sadness, and whatever else you feel when you grieve the loss of a loved one.

I could go on. There's more that saddens me, but I don't want that to be the point of this blog. If anything, I want to express how lucky I feel, how thankful I am that I have loved ones in my life who are healthy and full of spirit.

I want to express that I have a strong faith in Christ. Even though I'm not a church goer of any sorts, I know without a doubt that God exists. I always have. My mother told me that at the age of three I wanted to know all about God. I think that's a pretty darn young age to be thinking about such grand things, but I was a very curious little girl. I have always had a faith that nothing can touch. And although I don't question that faith, I can't explain why suffer from such anxieties. I guess it's because I'm learning, first hand, just how precious life is.

I remember being young and hearing sad stories of people who had died due to tragic circumstances and thinking to myself "That won't ever happen to my family." I had this sort of invincible outlook on life. We were a happy family, a strong family, and I guess in my young little mind, that meant we were excused from any tragic sadness and loss. And although my family has never personally experienced something like that (thank goodness), I now know we aren't exempt from these types of things. Perhaps in finally accepting this, I now fear the very things I used to think would never happen.

I don't know what changed in me as a person. I can't really relate these fears to any one specific event, or even a handful for that matter. The only thing I can think to relate it to is experience in life. It seems the older I get, the more I naturally know and learn. And with that knowledge comes the responsibility to handle that knowledge. As an adult, I think we're expected to maintain that sense of calm and level headedness even though we know the impossible is always possible. I've come to know and except that life can change in a tiny fragile second. And I can't control the unknown fates that lie before the rest of my life. The unknown and uncontrollable are always scary, to say the least. I just wish I didn't have to focus on that all the time. And for some reason I think the holidays- which I view as a specific time for the togetherness of family, friends, and spirit- always bring out a little extra anxiety in me, as I recognize just how much I have and how I could lose it all in seconds.

To get back to my main point, I am thankful. Thankful for what I have in friends and family. Thankful for what I haven't had in my life. Thankful for my life, and the loved ones around me. And to a point, thankful that I can recognize just how fragile my structured surroundings are. In knowing this, I'm reminded of just exactly how lucky I am.

Donna Reed I'm Not, and That's By Choice

2009-11-30T16:27:00.005-07:00

This weekend was a crazy mess of fun. My family arrived at my place on Wednesday night and we went out to dinner before coming home and starting to prep all the delicious Thanksgiving dishes that we planned to devour on Thursday.

Mom and Grandma focused on the turkey, potatoes, gravy and stuffing and I managed to make two fabulous Nutter-Butter, Peanut-Butter pies (yup, the exact ones they serve at Outback Steakhouse). In addition to that I tried a new recipe for Epicurean Peas which turned out so tasty (hit me up if you want the recipe), candied yams, string bean casserole, clam dip with chips, 5 cup fruit salad, and deviled eggs.

It was a fest, a very yummy feast, and I've been eating leftovers ever since. Actually, yesterday I made a fabulous turkey noodle soup that we'll be eating most of this week.

Although the food was great, I have decided that Thanksgiving is a ton of work, for the women specifically. My father literally slept on the couch all day, half in and out of a daze while the football game roared in the background as all the women worked their butts off in the kitchen. How would it be? How would it be to sit/sleep around on a couch all day waiting for a meal, get up and eat the meal, and walk right back to the couch to lay down and have your after meal slumber? I personally have never had the luxury of experiencing this (unless sick) because I'm usually the one in the kitchen prepping the meal and cleaning it up afterwards.

Even when I was younger, there were dishes to be done, tables to clear off, and mom always needed help with something (and it's no wonder she did considering my father and brother were in the living room in front of the TV before a plate could hit the dishwasher). Yup, cooking and cleaning up the mess were always left up to me, Mom and Grandma. I think lightening would strike if my dad or brother were to lift a finger in the kitchen, let alone clean up the after meal mess.

So, future children of mine, listen up. I don't care if you're my daughter or son. You will be helping out in the kitchen. This means you will be helping set and clear the table and you will be helping with the dirty dishes. I don't care if the football game of a lifetime is on, if you eat it, you'll help clean up the mess. I'm no Donna Reed folks. Everyone will shoulder a load in my house hold.

And thanks to my hubby who helped me put up the Christmas tree this weekend, and who also cleaned up the kitchen and did laundry yesterday. Extra points for you (now if you could only get those rotting pumpkins off the back deck considering I've been asking you to do it for a month now) :)

J.P Morgan CHASE Bank Can SUCK IT!

2009-11-24T12:45:00.007-07:00

Where do I start? How about with a big fat finger thrown in the direction of JP Morgan CHASE BANK.

What happened you ask? Well, for starters, they send me (a loyal customer of seven years) a letter regarding my Chase MasterCard letting me know they're decreasing my credit limit. Why? Apparently it's the "in thing" to do these days. Oh, and they'll be increasing my APR to 24% even though I've never made a late payment and have always paid the amount requested on my bill.

What a way to reward your customers who actually do pay their bills on time. Makes total sense doesn't it?

The best part about this entire situation is that yesterday I decided to log on to my account to take a gander at my checking and savings as well as my credit card statement (I have been a victim of identity theft in the past- thanks ex boyfriend who is probably in jail somewhere- and I like to pay close attention to my credit cards to make sure there isn't any activity going on that I'm not aware of). So as I'm trying to log on yesterday, I notice that both my checking and savings information is available, but my credit card information is not.

I try a few hours later and get a message that the system is down. Which is why I decided to log on today in the hopes that it would be up and running.

Being that the system was finally up today, I decide to take a gander at my credit card statement. Yup, paid my bill two weeks ago... looking good. No strange activity alerting me that something might be going on...good. Wait, what's this? Over the limit fee of $39? For what? I just paid my bill, and I know there's no way I'm over the limit.

OH WAIT. Yes, yes I am over the limit. MY DECREASED LIMIT. My decreased limit, and my increased balance due to a billion dollars in finance charges because my flippin' APR JUST WENT SKY HIGH. Amazing. I love how all of this works in the bank's favor. Yesterday, no service so I can't see what's happening. Went from from being in good standing yesterday with a credit line, to this: Over my credit limit and being ass raped by finance charges (which is EXACTLY what put me over the limit). And here's a nice how do you do for being over the limit: another $39 dollars we'll add to your already over the limit credit limit, it's our special gift to you :)

Funny how that seems logical doesn't it? TO THEM.

So I call customer service. First I get someone who doesn't speak nor understand English. She hangs up on me. Next I get someone who still doesn't understand English but is happy to transfer me (in this case, transfer means putting you all the way back to the beginning of the automated system). Third time's a charm (although not really). Suzanne, who was oh so perky and happy to help me tells me that they don't do courtesy removals of over the limit fees. They only do this when/if there's was a bank error.

Bank error hunh? What about the fact that YOUR SYSTEM WAS DOWN so I couldn't even pay my bill, check my statement, etc... whose error is that Suzanne?

"I'm sorry Ma'am but we don't blah blah blah...."

Yeah yeah, caught that the first time Suzanne.

"Perhaps you should sign up for our email alert system that lets you know when you are approaching your

"HAVE THAT SUZANNE AND I DIDN'T GET AN ALERT BECAUSE YOUR SYSTEM WAS DOWN REMEMBER?!"

"Well I'm sorry that I can't erase your over the limit fee."

"Okay, so what can you do about the fact that you've decreased my credit line although my account has never been delinquent? What can you do about these ridiculous APR and finance charges? What can you do, Suzanne?"

I'll spare you the rest of the conversation because it was pretty much pointless. Needless to say Suzanne nor CHASE could do anything about my situation even though their "new changes" to my credit card are the reason I'm now dealing with "over the limit fees. (Over the limit my ass).

My favorite part of the conversation was when Suzanne asked me if there was anything else she could do for me. I'm usually not so mean to customer reps but at this point, I had had it. So I replied "I don't really think you can do anything to help me Suzanne, considering you've already not done a thing to help me thus far. Oh wait, I guess there is just one thing..."

"Surea, and what's that Ma'am?"

"You can cancel my card. I'm tired of dealing with this ridiculous thing you call service. It's a joke. Oh, and I'd like a letter in the mail stating you've closed my account."

I'm so sick of this. The banking industry has gone to the dogs. Actually, not even the dogs. More like sewer rats. It's not okay to punish good people who pay their bills with decreased credit limits and higher APRS. And how on Earth does it make any sense to charge someone who is over their credit limit another $39 dollars?! Doesn't that just mean they're even MORE over their credit limit than they already were? Apparently CHASE wasn't present when the lesson in logical business practices was being taught.

So on a closing note, if you're with CHASE, think twice. If you have a CHASE CREDIT CARD, close the account before you get screwed over. And don't bother calling customer service. They don't know the meaning of the word service.

And apparently I'm not the only one who feels this way. Behold: a complete web site dedicated the the hatred of JP MORGAN CHASE and all their suckiness: http://www.chasecreditsucks.com/

Trapped

2009-11-17T16:10:00.005-07:00

Were humans designed to sit in little 5 x 8 cubicles for 40 hours a week or more? Because whoever says they were, well, I'd have to disagree.

As a marketing manager, I think it's funny that I'm supposed to help contribute to the bottom line and brainstorm fantastic marketing ideas that change the way we do business, when I'm cast away in a little neutral-colored box of a cubical all day, every day, week after week, month after month, year after year. This environment hardly fosters creativity (and as of lately, my productivity).

I'm tired. I'm tired of conforming to corporate America. Why? Because it sux. And it's unhealthy. And because it's probably one of the top three things that contributes to societal disease and poor health (both psychically and mentally). The human body houses a magnificent organ, the brain. Designed to think, process, create, evaluate, feel, remember, plan, and simply be. And yet society mentally sufferers from diseases like anxiety, depression, memory loss, lack of creativity, etc... I really think corporate America is to blame for much of this.

My brain is more alive and functioning on any given weekend than it is on a weekday. BECAUSE IT'S FREE! Free to think and be, free from three walls covered in textured tan cloth that's freckled with straight pins holding up colorless letters, notes, reminders and really nothing of any importance. I'm free from the computer monitor that I am forced to stare at from Monday through Friday, checking email and typing away the boring "same ole, same ole." On weekends, I'm free from constant emails and meeting reminders and messages of "high importance" and other rifraf. I can breathe in a space larger than a shoe box, it it works wonders on my body, folks.

I am slowly dying here. I'm 29 years old and I'm already wishing I were days away from my retirement. Call me crazy but I totally miss school. Even the educational system is somewhat better than the vanilla, corporate working-world. At least school encourages creativity and personal growth . All corporate America is interested in is the growth of companies. People are getting used, discarded and forgotten.

We've lost touch folks. And we've done it all for the sake of a pay check. That one piece of paper that controls our lives and destination, simply because we have bills. Bills to pay and debt to decrease. And unfortunately, as I try to escape the mundane existence of the work week, my debt increases in spontaneous escapades disguised as short-term solutions to help me escape the madness. And thus the cycle continues.

I've been sitting in a cubicle for almost 8 years now (which is probably a lot less than some people reading this but nonetheless, it's still 8 years too long). And I'm tired of it.

Pine Cones and Holly Berries

2009-11-16T15:44:00.003-07:00

I did it! Yup- I went all Martha on my place for Christmas. I don't know what inspired it. Perhaps it was the fact that last week was so gloomy that I needed something bright and cheery to remind me of good times ahead. Perhaps it was the snow storm that hit on Saturday smothering the ground in a blanket of white. Whatever the influence, I put up Christmas decorations.

I usually wait until the day after Thanksgiving to put up everything. But this year I'm having the family to my house for Thanksgiving (which is going to be fun and exciting considering it's my first year in my home). And because I know my mother, grandmother, and I will be hitting the malls on Black Friday for Christmas shopping galore, I realized I wouldn't have that day to put up decorations. Therefore, I got a head start.

I didn't go all sorts of crazy. For example, my tree isn't up yet. Mainly because I'm putting it up on display in the formal living room in front of the bay window and I don't need the entire neighborhood seeing it and thinking that I've lost my mind (which wouldn't be far from the truth on some days). So yeah, I'll probably wait till next week to put that one up. Maybe I'll put it up on Saturday since I know there's another snow storm coming in. We'll see.

So what is up? Well, my mantle is decorated with red and white lights, large pearl and cappuccino colored bulbs, white wood cut outs of stars, pine cones, and holly berries. The stockings are hung by the chimney with care (I actually have a chimney now), and an old fashioned rocking horse and wooden sleigh sit on the hearth by the fire.

My staircase has garland wrapped around the railing also adorned with stars, snowflakes, holly berries, and pine cones. And I managed to whip out the Christmas-smelling candle. Michael pitched a mini fit in the family room yesterday stomping his feet on the floor while whining "And it has to smell like Christmas in here too?! That's just torture, cuz Christmas is like forever away!"

Did I mention I may never need children? My husband sorta fills that void at times.

I love how cozy the house feels. I totally enjoy bundling up at home on long winter nights, enjoying the lights, the smells, and the homey feeling that the holidays and all the decorations can bestow upon us.

Next up will be the Christmas music. I might bust that out on Saturday as I decorate the tree. I wonder what my hubby will think of that. I'm sure he'll flee to the man-cave where he can have control of the remote and watch football all day.

Putting One Foot in Front of the Other

2009-11-13T16:03:00.003-07:00

I'm still not over the fact that Billy is gone. Quite frankly, I think something would be wrong with me if I were over it by now. On Saturday when I heard the news, I was in total shock. That shock slowly turned into a heavy weight, and it's one that has yet to be lifted.

Billy was the type of friend that I could pick up with no matter where we left off. The last time I saw her it was like time hadn't passed. She looked the same, smiled the same, acted the same, and therefore, our friendship was the same. It never went anywhere. Even while we were off exploring life after high school, our friendship foundation stood solid.

Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time with this. Death is never easy, but a death you can't understand is never going to get easier to accept. They say there are some things that only time can heal, and I think the loss of Billy is one of them.

I didn't recognize her beautiful face at her Vigil. I didn't know the person in that casket. I'm haunted by that. Was her illness so grave that it distorted the way she appeared even in death? Or was her process of death so stressful on her body that it changed her body beyond the point of recognition? I wish I knew. The morbid, humanly curious side of me wants to know what happened when she was in that room all alone. I think a part of me needs to know so I can put to rest these haunting images I have. If it can be explained away, I'll feel better.

Except really, I won't.

Today, I really feel that Billy is at peace. It's like she is settling into her new existence. Her body has been blessed and buried in it's final resting place, and Billy is resting now too. Except this time she can rest without taking her little white and yellow pills. She can actually rest without worrying about what tomorrow is going to bring, and the next day and the next day. She finally found peace.

I wish I could. Isn't it strange how the person who leaves us behind gets to be a peace, while we suffer the loss? Ironic isn't it? And yet, Billy wanted peace so badly that even though I'm hurting, I can't blame her for ultimately seeking what she was so desperate for.

Mental illness is such a strange disease. It's not like cancer. You can visually see the effects of cancer on a person. And not to discount cancer because it is a horrible disease (any disease that takes a human life is horrible), but I'm just trying to say that it's more difficult to see how mental illness can destroy a person. It's like the silent demon that haunts and torments.

I keep thinking of all the wonderful things people have had to say about Billy over the past week. And yes, we tend to memorialize the dead through words of compassion because that's what we do. We're human and that's what helps us to cope. But the kind words people had to say about Billy were so touching because they were true. They really were honestly true in her case. She loved with passion, she lived with passion, and she never failed to let anyone know that she cared about them. It's so heartbreaking to know that such an angelic person (despite her sailor mouth and sporadic nuances) was haunted by such demons. I think she fought the best she could, and in the end made a self sacrificing decision in what she thought was the best judgement, for her husband and two girls.

I fear these demons myself at times. Although I can safely say that I have not experienced half of what Billy ever went through, I do know I have felt empty, alone, and sad. But who hasn't right? I guess my question is how big is the grey area? Obviously mental illness isn't black or white. I think so many symptoms of this type of disease are also common symptoms of an anxiety or depression that we have all felt and one point or another in our lives. We're human. We're not always up, and we're not always down. But how do you know when these "common symptoms" become not so common and set you aside from "normal" emotions?

It's a scary thing. And I'm sure Billy was scared too. But because she completed suicide, and because she was such a strong-willed, determined person, a part of me has to acknowledge her courage. I would be afraid to be lying in a bed alone in some psychiatric unit and having thoughts about my death. I would scare myself to actually wrap bed sheets around my neck and stare death in the face. Billy wasn't. Perhaps she was so desperate for peace that the fear was not as great as the will to find eternal rest. Perhaps her decision brought her this peace and she knew it was the right thing for her. And perhaps she was so certain that this was the best thing for her family (although I would disagree with her) that she wasn't afraid of what she was about to do.

I wonder if before she prepared to die, if she thought about what her funeral would be like, who would be there, who would weep, and where they would lay her body to rest. I wonder if she thought about these things or even cared. And maybe she put all her faith and trust in her husband knowing that whatever he chose for her would be perfect.

I won't apologize for writing these thoughts down. I'm being perfectly honest in what has been running through my mind all week (among more positive thoughts and memories of her, and trying to understand all this). I am just trying to cope I suppose, and this is one way I'm trying to do so.

Although there is so much I don't know about Billy's death, I do know that in her death she taught me that the only thing that's really important while we're here on Earth are the relationships we have with the people in our lives. How much we love them, how much we let them know we love them, how generous we are with them, and how we make them feel. Billy was a generous friend to me. She always had an ear or a helping hand. She always had a hug, a laugh and a smile. I hope when my time comes, whenever that may be, I will leave behind the kind of relationships with others that I had with Billy. And I do find comfort in having learned this lesson. I just wish it didn't take death in which to learn.

Saying Goodbye

2009-11-09T15:18:00.020-07:00

I've been sitting here typing and erasing things as I try to begin this post and I've finally settled in knowing that there's no real right or wrong way to write about what's on my mind. The fact is, I want to be able to beautifully compose a message that accurately describes the loss I'm feeling of a friend who is more beautiful than she will ever know, but even as I try to organize my thoughts, everything seems to be coming through as scrambled. And so this post is going to be somewhat scrambled. A scatterbrain of thoughts, memories, and maybe just words. But it's the best I can do right now.

Billy- I miss you. There's no other way to say it. My heart aches right now and my mind is overflowing with images of our shared experiences. I never knew you were hurting as bad as you were and that makes me hurt for not knowing. I suspected you were having a rough go at things, but in knowing how strong you are and what a supportive husband you have, I figured this was a little bump in the road. One that would have a small effect on the overall grandness of your life.

I was so wrong. And I have regret that I didn't know how bad things were. I'm sorry.

You were so alive in life! You filled a room with your personality. I remember your blue eyes, always your blue eyes full of life and expression and a huge smile. Yes Billy, your eyes smiled.

And your laugh, I love your laugh. It was so infectious. It was such a healthy, uplifting, and cozy laugh. I felt at home around you. I should have told that. I guess I tried to express that during our experiences together. And we had so many that I will treasure.

The Timpanogos Story Telling festival! What a trip that was! The day we met Juston and the birth of new friendships- life-long friendships. And what great story tellers we were (Tom Hanks' and Steven Spielberg's daughters). Juston- thanks for playing along.

The Shakespearian festival in Cedar City. I love that we bought those fairy crowns for our heads with the colorful ribbons streaming down them and wore them all over to all the shows. I was having a hard time that week due to things going on in my family and you helped me to forget them and have a wonderful time. Remember the carriage ride we took that wasn't pulled by a horse but actually a man riding a bike? Crazy and fun all at the same time.

Then there was the annual Broadway review where we performed W-O-M-A-N (gotta love that Smokey Joe's Cafe music). You were great in that by the way.

Agnes of God and our superior rankings. We kicked some major theatrical ass down at Emery High School. Gotta love it when the last two teams that are finalists for the toughest category in the competition are from Carbon High. High five's to both Morgan and Nick for being our competition. We did RJ proud that year. And ourselves. That was a tough scene and we mastered it beautifully if I say so myself. Go us :)

Be still my heart. Steel Magnolias was the best theatre experience I've ever had. And I love how you and I basically told RJ that it was how we wanted to end our senior year. It was the show we were going to do, no if's, and's, or but's. And I love how we already knew who was going to be who in the cast because WE cast the show by letting RJ know who was who. If only it really worked that way with all directors right? :) I couldn't have done that show without you. We were definitely a team, a good team, and you made that show a beautiful production. You will forever be Shelby in my eyes. I had no idea that years after that show I'd be crying real tears. I'm not ready, nor do I want to say goodbye, Billy. The timing just doesn't seem real. Although I know how spontaneous you were, this timing just dosn't seem right.

Elevator Rockettes in Time Square at the Marriott Marquis, what a kick in the pants. And the fact that even though there was a king-sized bed in our awesome grand-master suite (shared by six girls), I love that you and I had the lame little twin beds. You had the best idea ever to push them up against the glass wall that lined Time Square so we could fall asleep to the lights and sounds of New York. And how is it that not one girl in our room had a key and all the boys from our group (in the regular hotel room on the floor below us) did?! That was the best trip ever. Sure, there was the time we were startled a little bit by the crazy man that decided to chase us back to the hotel, but it made for a great story.

Oh, and thanks for standing by my side when I finally got sick of K.R. and told her to stick her cell phone and day planner where the sun don't shine. Who did she think she was to stuff the safe in our hotel room with all of her belongings when there were six of us total?! You gave me strength to stand up to her. And I won't ever forget how we jammed those (then totally awesome because they had "Mariott Marquis" embroidered on them) robes into our suit cases before leaving for Washington. Thanks Gloria, our awesome maid from Jamacia who watched her soaps while cleaning our room, for promising not to tell management.

I'm glad we finally figured out where all those pennies were coming from in the dining room too *cough* and Mr. Pennysworth (said with an English accent of course) was born. Enter Tracy and his watch that was so good at letting drama students know when it was time to get off the stage.

Oh, and having the all points bulletin put out on a 5'0 girl in a tan shirt and "mocha skirt" was just fabulous. How in the world did we manage to walk into the bathroom at the same time and walk out alone and looking for each other? Thanks for losing me... I was scared shitless as I sat there with my firecracker ice-pop in the middle of a tornado hoping to see some familiar faces on the steps of the Air and Space Museum. But you showed up with that infectious laugh, a warming smile and a huge hug. And then we immediately started laughing about how the entire employee base of the Smithsonian was on the lookout for a missing girl. Good to know you have friends who care about you enough to make sure you're found. Even it it does mean escalating the emergency in Washington DC of all places. I'm feelin' the love. (And getting our picture taken with the plastic Jesus on the steps of the US Capitol wasn't half bad either.)

Then there were the "secret agent" men who tried to take our cameras away for taking pictures outside of the White House as we were waiting in line for the tour. We talked them into posing for a picture and promised that we wouldn't share the film with anyone. How silly those five minutes were, and yet so memorable.

Speaking of pictures, we managed to take some awesome ones at the Korean Memorial and Vietnam Wall. "Freedom isn't Free" but you are now. And I hope you've found peace.

I'll forever smile over the fun we had in class with RJ, Rodney, call him what we will (and we did). I'll never forget the fun we had with your awesome impersonation of Nell (poor Anta-tay and his oopy-tay). I guess you're Tay'ayin in the win somewhere now. But I'm glad to know you're there :)

I have countless memories, stories, pictures, smiles, and just good times that I will forever hang on to. You are one of those spirits that a person can't forget. Full of fun, energy, love and life.

My heart is aching. It broke when I heard the news, and I don't think I'm ready to try and put it back together yet. I need to cry a little, hurt a little, and hold on to a past that is fleeting. I wish I would have known the extent of your pain. I wish I could have given you what you gave me so many years ago when I was so unsure of myself: Courage, strength, and confidence. I always admired you for those qualities. And beyond those things, your beauty as well.

I hurt that you were in so much pain, and I don't think I'll ever understand how you felt. I'll never understand why you did what you did. But I'll always love you for the person I knew you to be. I choose to remember the Billy I just wrote about. I choose to remember you as the person who touched everyone she met, in a good way, an amazing way.

I will miss you Billy. I already feel the loss of you not being here. Just last week I posted a quote from Steel Magnolias on your Facebook page, in fond memory of the good times we had during that show. And I laughed to myself as I posted it because I knew it would bring back inside jokes and funny memories for you too.

Since Saturday, I've cried over losing you, but I've laughed too as Juston and I have shared fond memories of you. I know I'll cry more before I say goodbye on Thursday at your service, but I know you'd want all of us to remember the good times had; and there were so many good times, Billy. So to quote our show one last time, I will end this post with the following: "Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion." Thank you Billy, for all the laughs, the love and good times we had. Although yours has been cut short, you are a life-long friend.

Closing night of Steel Magnolias, January 1998

I love you. I miss you. I always will.

Innocence

2009-11-04T15:01:00.005-07:00

Five years old again
Before email existed, and the World Wide Web
When the only worry for the day was building the best sand castle
And if Mom cut the crusts off of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich

Innocent again
Before heartaches and monthly payments
When the only concern was what night game to play
And how long before Mom noticed it was bed time

Having faith again
Before understanding what hatred felt like
When bad guys were the ones you chased while playing cops and robbers
And there were fireflies to catch with your bare hands and old mason jars

Believing again
Before people let you down
When the only question was who got to be the green Hungry Hippo
And He-man and Optimus Prime were the tried and true heroes

A child again
Before working a 40 work week
Taking naps on a blanket in the sun with a good book
And Dad provided quarters to purchase Long-Pops from the ice cream man

Remember Again
What it was like to feel alive
Before reality promised a different outcome
When wishes on falling stars were never wasted
And there were still fireflies left to catch

Boo!

2009-11-02T14:23:00.002-07:00

How did you spend your Halloween?

Michael and I didn't really do anything that exciting (which was fine by me considering the weekend before we carved a billion pumpkins and had a party). I was worn out and Michael was craving chili so we had a night in.

We ran a few errands earlier that day (lots of dressed up people at the Target), got our grocery shopping done, and came home. I started making Michael's request (a big ole pot of chili) while Michael ran to the video store and picked up some scary movies.

This was our first Halloween in our new home so we didn't know how many trick-or-treaters to expect. I wasn't planning on many considering the church up and around the corner from us had a "trunk-or-treat" the night before.

I'm glad the community plans activities that are safe for the children, but I also know how much fun I had as a child running from door to door gathering up as much candy as possible. My brother and I usually had to make at least one pit stop at home to dump out our bags as they were completely full before we set off to trick-or-treat the other half of the neighborhood. I grew up in a small town and we trick-or-treated old school style. This is how I want my kids to experience Halloween too. So I imagine that whenever this holiday falls on a Friday or Saturday night, we'll load up and head to my parents so my children can trick-or-treat the neighborhoods I did as a child. I just don't see how any trunk-or-treat can compete with the real thing.

As the chili was brewin, I also got to work on deviled eggs. I mean, is there a more approrpiate time than Halloween to have such eggs? In addition to this I also made up a chocolate zucchini cake which I must say turned out ever so tastey. I'll post the recipe on here.

KeeLee patroled the livingroom window from her guard post so I knew way in advance when little gobblins, devils, witches, and ghosts were making their way up my driveway. KeeLee was so riled up about all the little visitors that I think she thought Sunday was Halloween too. Every little noise she heard caused her to bark, growl, and run to the door with her tail wagging (she loves people).

After enjoying our Halloween fest, Michael and I popped in our first choice scary movie "The Orphan" which was quite disturbing. And after that, we went to bed.

Yup, exciting times and yet, I was more than satisfied with a quiet night in :)

It's One, Two, Three Strikes You're Out...

2009-10-30T09:20:00.005-06:00

Last night I was watching the world series when I finally couldn't take it and gave up. For one, I don't really watch sports, let alone baseball. I'm not much of a fan. But what I realized last night is just how disgusting baseball really is.

I mean, for crying out loud, why... WHY?!?!?! must every baseball player sit there and SPIT all over the place? Every two seconds someone on the TV was spitting.

Spitting on the field, spitting in the dugout, spitting on the pitchers mound, spitting on base, spitting between pitches, spitting after running, spitting after catching a ball. Just SPIT SPIT SPIT!

It's gross. And quite frankly, totally unattractive, and totally disgusting.

And to top it off, yesterday when I was leaving the mall during my lunch break (see yesterday's post about replacing my holy sweater) some gross disgusting man shot a loogie right in front of me as I was walking to my car. I literally had to step over it to avoid getting all that green sticky grossness on my shoes.

SPITTING IS A DISGUSTING HABIT! It's right up there with smoking. I don't care if you are a baseball player in the World Series. JUST STOP IT!

P.S. Go Phillies.

Is It Feeling a Bit Breezy in Here?

2009-10-29T13:34:00.008-06:00

My winter wardrobe is in need of a few basics. Now, if you were to ask my husband if I needed new clothes, he'd laugh and goff at you explaining that he barely has enough room in OUR closet to put HIS stuff because my stuff is taking over. But then again, what husband wouldn't say his wife needs another sweater like she needs a whole in the head?

HOWEVER.

When living in Utah, one knows that winter lasts much longer than summer. Chunky sweaters, scarves, coats, pants, turtle necks, mittens, gloves, and fuzzy socks galore are very much a necessity considering it's icy cold in these here Rockies from October to at least April (usually May). It always snows at least once before Halloween (example: Tuesday of this week), and it just makes sense that your winter wardrobe in Utah is larger than your summer one. Even though we like to say that we get to have seasons like spring and fall, we actually just pretend we get to, cuz it makes us feel better.

I have quite a few sweaters, but since I don't wash sweaters after every single time I wear them (usually because I wear an undershirt of some sorts under them), they tend to stay looking newer longer. This keeps me from having to purchase a bunch each time winter rolls around. BUT- last winter Michael and I were closing on our new home. I was busy buying furniture, decorations, new towels, shower curtains, blankets, kitchen items, baskets, wall hangings, and home decor galore. I did not spend a single penny on my wardrobe (as hard as it might be for some to believe that, it's the truth). I splurged on my home and I don't regret having done so.

I also haven't asked for clothes for Christmas for the past two years because I was busy asking for house things. I got married in 2007 so the Christmas of 2006 was filled with home appliances and things of that nature. The Christmas following our wedding was filled with things that we didn't get at our wedding. And Christmas last year was filled with more house things like the beautiful formal 9 piece dining room table that my mom and dad bought us, and the casual dining table for the kitchen nook that grandma bought us. I think maybe I got a pair of PJ's and some socks in terms of clothing, but everything else was house wares.

So this year, when I went to pull my winter clothes out of the closet, I noticed that some of them looked pretty tattered. And, before I put them away last year, I did a thorough spring clean and got rid of three containers worth of old turtle necks, sweaters that were covered in those little threads of balls that collect all over them, sweaters that I had worn for three years that simply didn't fit because of the extra weight I've put on in the past little while, and stuff that was simply out of style. Needless to say, I don't quite have the winter wardrobe I like to have when thinking about the next 7 months.

To prove how sad my winter wardrobe has gotten, I quickly pulled a sweater over my head this morning and drove to work. Yet, at work I kept feeling this cold chill on my back. I reach over and felt a gigantic hole where the seam was connecting the left sleeve to the body of the sweater. I had just sat through two meetings with my arm and armpit fully exposed. Classy, you betcha. I would have taken a picture to post, but I quickly decided against humiliating myself more.

So on my lunch break I ran to the closest mall and replaced the rag I was wearing with a chunky black sweater (and yes, it was on sale). I know I shouldn't be spending money on clothes as the holidays are quickly approaching (including my mother's birthday) and we're trying to pay off credit cards, student loans, and save up for our big kitchen remodel, but I am in desperate need (do you like that emphasis there?) of some new pants for work, winter tops, and perhaps a new winter coat that fits better. I'm usually the one with plenty of options when it comes to my wardrobe, but not this year :(

Good thing Christmas is coming (although I prefer others don't buy clothes for me). Hello gift cards?

Gravity

2009-10-27T16:17:00.002-06:00

Sometimes you come across a song, a poem, or just any little thing that puts into words so much of how you feel, and what you haven't been able to put into words yourself. For me, that little piece of something is the song Gravity by Sarah Bareilles. If you haven't listened, you should :)

Here are the lyrics-

Gravity

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.
Something always brings me back to you.It never takes too long.

H A Double L O W Double E N

2009-10-26T15:03:00.019-06:00

Halloween rocks my socks off. I simply love it. I love the smells in the air of moist soil under my shoes, dying leaves, and the crispness in the air. I love the smell of soups simmering on the stove, and hot rolls in the oven. Basically, I love everything about this season, including the holiday that kicks it all off.

This weekend was filled with Halloween goodness. The festivities kicked off on Friday night with my kitchen filled with plump orange pumpkins, various carving tools, piles of pumpkin guts, carving templates, a white-trash table cloth to dispose of the ooey-gooey pumpkin-carving party evidence, and 6 adults who were on a Halloween candy sugar high.

The pumpkins turned out fan-freakin-tabulous and they looked so cute sitting on the perimeter of my deck. Quite some talented carving folks we are, if you ask me. And you didn't really, but I'm telling you anyway :)

Saturday was fun as well. Michael and I spent the greater half of the day preparing for our Halloween shin-dig. There was cleaning to be done (especially after the pumpkin carving party) and there were goulies to make and witches to brew.

Started early on my carmel popcorn balls (the popcorn needed time to set up before I could roll the balls and put them in my festively decorated cellophane bags). I popped 5 bags of popcorn (burning half of one so the house smelled just lovely) and got working on the carmel sauce on the stove. Michael helped me get the popcorn covered with the sugary goodness, and roll the balls. They turned out AWESOME! And I didn't even burn myself with the hot carmel (or the dog which is amazing considering her favorite place to be while I'm cooking is right under my feet, under the stove). So to say the least, I was pretty satisfied.

I also made clam dip (don't knock it till you try it) and Halloweenies (yeah you read that right, and they're little cocktail sausages that marinate in brown sugar, grape jelly and bbq sauce so don't knock those till you try them either).

The chips were bought, the table was set with cute paper plates and foil autumn leaves confetti, and the guests were arriving.

There was socializing inside, as well as around the fire pit on the deck (which was lit with orang/purpleish Halloween lights, and the pumpkins from the night before).

We ended up in the basement playing Rockband (which is always a favorite of mine).

Some people came in costume. We had a magician, Caesar, a devil, a horribly dressed person (my husband, in his god-awful red and black shiny shirt that looks like something out of a drag queen/pimp's closet....nothing against a drag queen, but it's just not quite my hubby), and then me. I was kind of a mix between Wednesday Adams, a goth girl, and a witch. Don't ask cuz I dunno. I just know I wasn't wearing my typical everyday gear.

Anyway, this post is getting way too long and it's time for pictures because I actually took some (shocker! I KNOW!). So without further adieu, I present this weekend, in pictures:

They Gnashed Their Terrible Teeth and Rolled Their Terrible Eyes

2009-10-19T10:48:00.031-06:00

Here's a recap of how our movie experience of "Where The Wild Things Are" went down on Friday night:

The night Michael wore his bad-boy jacket and experienced movie mischeif of one kind or another, I almost called him "The Wild Thing". But he probably would have threatened me by shouting "I'll eat you up!" and I would have had to send him to bed without any popcorn.

That very night in the movie theatre, the walls around Michael's seat grew smaller and smaller. And the young man sitting next to him grew more and more annoying with every elbow jab, munch of his popcorn, and ring of his cell phone.

This went on for what seemed like over a year and in and out of weeks and through a day and into the night until Michael couldn't take it anymore. And that's when we came to the place where I met "The Wild Things." Michael and the annoying idiot next to him roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws- till Michael said to him "BE STILL! And it'd be nice if you'd turn off your cell phone".

And I was very frightened of what the inconsiderate fool might do to Michael, but I thought of Michael as the most Wild Thing of all, and made him King of all Wild Things in my mind.

But I was afraid that after the movie, Michael would yell "Let the WILD RUMPUS START!" And I would have to yell "NOW STOP!" and send Michael off to the car without a refill of his popcorn.

But when the movie was over, Michael and the other Wild Thing didn't roar their terrible roars and gnash their terrible teeth and roll their terrible eyes and show their terrible claws.

Nope, Michael stepped into his private car and we waved good-bye to our friends, and drove back over a year and in and out of weeks and through a day and into the night to our very own house where KeeLee was patiently waiting for us. And I looked at my perturbed Michael in his bad-boy jacket and said to him "And you're still hot."

Haunted

2009-10-16T15:49:00.001-06:00

It was so long ago, I don't even remember all the details
Except for the cobalt that pierced my soul
Except for the mystery that I'd never solve
Those things I'll remember forever.
It took me too long to let him go
And maybe a small part of me never really has
And maybe a small part of me never really will
And maybe that's okay, for now

I've had this dream all my life
And I'm finally living it,
And it's more perfect than I could have ever pictured it
But somewhere in the twilight, I've heard him call my name
Once, or maybe twice
It sends shivers down my spine and forces me to admit
He taunts me

He's like a memory that won't fade
A line that can't be erased
The buckled flaw on a fine finished coffee table that never goes away
Reminding me that he was once there when he shouldn't have been
And there was no coaster to dissipate the evidence of his presence

And sometimes when I close my eyes, I remember all too vividly
I hear words that were never spoken
I see a Cheshire smile that made all his flaws disappear
I feel the welcomed pressure of his presence smothering me
And then I remember how he would leave
And why I finally said goodbye for good

But, sometimes, when the smell of frost fills the night
I let myself think about those days
And sometimes, when the house is dark except for moonlight cascading on the stair case
I wonder what if, where, and why

And sometimes, for no reason at all
When I don't even want to remember

He haunts me

Looks Like Rain

2009-10-14T10:04:00.009-06:00

“So it’s a lonely world, and it’s feeding time for your ego. Again. Who is going to be the spoon this time?”

How honest her words as they gently fell off her tongue hoping to land on something less tense. “I’m sorry, although once attracted to you, I find myself distracted now as you once were, by other things, other ideas, other people. And I’m paying the price for the me that I was in another life, one which you know nothing about.”

He didn’t understand. Why would he? He thought he was still looking at the same women he left. He didn’t see the changes in her body language, as she stood stilted looking out his hotel window towards the view. Her eyes desperately searching for any sort of reason to be out there, free in the night instead of seconds away from regretful temptation.

He couldn’t read the way she carried herself across his room to gather her purse. He didn’t feel the way her body froze when he tried to put his arms around her and pull her close, or the lack of heat in her lips when he kissed her goodnight. He didn’t hear the change in her voice let alone the words she spoke. Simply, he didn’t sense that anything was wrong.

“Don’t want to forget this,” she said, grabbing her jacket. “Looks like rain tonight.”

And with that she left. She had to. She couldn’t go back to what she used to have. She didn’t want it anymore. She was content not having him, but if she were to stay just a minute more, her mind would start playing tricks on her. And as she left his room, letting the door shut gently behind her, she thought she heard him mutter something about her silhouette. And how she had left it on his pillow.

Testing... Testing...

2009-10-13T16:26:00.002-06:00

*tap tap*

Is this thing on?

Is anyone even out there?

Am I fooling myself to think people read this or is this simply a way for me to gather and express my crazy thoughts?

Anyone?

Bueller?

I Love My Friends

2009-10-08T10:59:00.003-06:00

Ya know what?

This week has been shit. And apparently not just for me. So I've decided there's something in the air and it has knocked us all on our butts.

That being said, this is just a little post to tell my friends who read this THANK YOU! Thanks for being there for me. Thanks for letting me vent (no matter how Italian and extreme my rants may be). Thanks for allowing me a safe haven away from all the things that actually are miserable in this world (see yesterday's post if you haven't read it yet).

I have the greatest friends in the world. They listen, and they still love me no matter what. I can't begin to explain how much I look forward to spending Friday nights with them (or Saturdays, or sometimes both). I spend the entire 5 days of my work week anticipating the weekend because I get to spend time with people who understand me, make me laugh, are creative, funny, sincere, and just get my sense of humor.

They say that friends are the family we get to choose, and I couldn't agree more.

Dave- thanks for your comment yesterday. Sorry you're in the same boat I am in this week. We need to sail on into better days. Yay for the Haunted Forest this weekend :)

Marge- I am SO GLAD you guys are coming on the 24th. It's been too long since I've seen you and I miss you tons. And love you tons. And am so grateful that our friendship has endured college and everything beyond (and thanks for the wise and comforting advice).

Amanda- thanks for being there every morning (well, most mornings) on gmail. Just knowing that someone is around while I'm sitting here miserable at my desk is a comfort, and knowing that it's you is that much more of a comfort. You don't know how much you help me get through my crappy work days.

Melissa- I love you. You're my long lost sister. Nuff said :)

Nat- I don't even know if you read my blog, but either way, you keep me laughing. And I love our lunch dates :)

And Hubby o' Mine- You're all the qualities I listed above and more (well, not the long lost sister one) but you get the idea. I love you and am so thankful for you.

Now- Where the hell is my FRIDAY?!?!?!

I Almost Titled This Post the "F" Word. ALMOST.

2009-10-07T10:46:00.007-06:00

AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

I HATE, HATE, HATE, today!!!

It's one of THOSE kinds of days. And my head is ready to explode like a pumpkin being thrown in the streets by unruly teenagers on All Hallows Eve.

GODALMIGHTY!

This bad day actually started with the drive home last night. Yup, LAST NIGHT. I am allowed to have a bad day that actually starts the night before, so get over it.

First of all, I left work at 5:00 and SAT IN TRAFFIC BEHIND A WRECK for longer than I care to mention. Then I dealt with TYPICAL UTAH DRIVERS who feel the need to: speed up (so you can't merge when you have no choice), drive slower than a snail in the fast lane, refuse to signal, slam on breaks, you name it they do it and I hate them for it.

THEN it takes me an hour to get to work this morning. That's right AN HOUR. I leave the house at 8:30 and arrive at 9:23. THAT IS RE-DICK (that's ridiculous in pissed off speak). I'm so tired of driving clear out to BFE for work. I've been doing it my entire career. First job out of college was actually WEST OF THE FLIPPIN AIRPORT (which for those readers not from Utah, that is further than any normal person driving to work should have to drive).

Second job was in RIVERTON (which might as well be west of the airport because it's just as far) Basically if you took the airport and Riverton and drew a line between the two, you've just picked the two points furthest from one another in the Salt Lake City Valley. Now I work in MAGNA. Yup, just one exit shy of the airport exit so I'm right back where I started basically.

I'm DONE!

I'm done with construction.
I'm done with working clear out in no man's land.
I'm done with spending 2+ hours in the car each day to get to and from work.
I'm done with Utah drivers who, oh surprise surprise, CAN'T FUCKING DRIVE!
I'm just done.

Oh, and then to make today even more fun, I get to deal with all the people who want answers regarding projects I have NOTHING, I REPEAT: NOTHING TO DO WITH!

NOTHING!

So as a responsible employee, I try to find the people who do have something to do with the projects in question, and direct the one with the answers to the person asking the question. But my favorite part? MY FAVORITE PART? The person WITH the answer wants to vent to me about how so and so asking the question seems to be confused. And get this: They actually want me to tell that person that he/she IS CONFUSED. Um, no? I didn't volunteer to make enemies today.

Guess what folks, I don't care if you think the person asking the question seems to be confused. The point is, you owe that person an answer. An answer that you should share DIRECTLY with that person and not me. Why? Because I'm not the one asking the question, and asking you to help does not make me involved. You two go hack out your differences. You two go work out what should be done.
LEAVE ME OUT OF WHAT DOES NOT IMPLY TO ME!

*taking a deep breath*

Today I'm contemplating moving to Antarctica. All I'm packing is long underwear and a lifetime supply of Dr. Pepper and Xanax. Oh, and if you know of any sane jobs in that area, that don't require being the middle man, or include unreasonable expectations of things that do not fall within the actual job description, please, PLEASE send them my way.

Can You Believe It?

2009-10-05T10:45:00.002-06:00

I have a cute little pen-pal in Aurora Colorado. Before my grandmother died, she came to visit us in Price. I was only in 6th grade, but she made such an impression on me. This woman was the hippest, cutest, and sweetest woman. Here's a little example of how cool she was. She didn't like her birth given name and therefore she changed it. To "Babe" and I love her for that. She was my grandma's best friend and well, Grandma had excellent taste.

So, after Babe left town I began writing to her. And she began writing me back. We've stayed in contact for the past well.... A LOT OF YEARS considering this friendship started when I was about 11, that I'm now a grown woman, married, and finished with my masters. Not a Christmas goes by where we don't send each other a card. And then there's usually the random letter every few months just to say hello and let each other know we're doing well and livin' life.

Yesterday I was itching for some creativity so I pulled out my Stampin' Up! supplies and hand stamped this cute fall card to send to Babe with a happy Halloween message. I had so much fun making the card that I decided to make an envelope template and create a matching envelope too. To my surprise, the card turned out really cute and I was excited for Babe to receive it. I slapped a stamp on it and walked out to my mailbox and put it inside, shut the lid, and lifted the flag to alert the postman to take my letter.

This morning my husband called me on his way to work (I was still home getting ready for my work day). He asked me if I had changed my mind about sending the letter, because when he left this morning he noticed that the lid to the mailbox was down, and the letter was gone but the flag was still up.

"No, I didn't change my mind. You mean to tell me that my letter is missing?"

"Yup, not there, and I don't think the wind would have blown the lid open."

"Me either, that lid shuts tight."

"Well, a lot of times people get mail stolen around the first of the month because bills are due and so others are out there looking for money (checks) so they take the mail."

Here is a picture of the cute card I made that Babe will never receive.

I'm so disappointed in society. It's a sad day when you can't even put a letter in your mailbox.

Schmoopy and His New Toy

2009-10-04T21:13:00.003-06:00

So Michael went out today and bought an iPhone. I think it's because I bought one last Tuesday and he has been secretly envious of me since. He's a huge fan of all things new that have anything to do with "technology" and usually is the first one to make such a purchase. Except this time. He claims he was letting me be the guinea pig.

I don't mind though :) Now he's a happy boy with his new toy. I only threatened him when he wanted to buy the same lime green protector that I have. We don't need two green iPhones in the house. That would have been waaaaayyy too confusing. He settled for blue. Now we just have to make sure we don't fight over who gets which ring tone. If anything, I can always use the argument "It was mine first!"

Surgery Day

2009-10-01T09:41:00.003-06:00

Well, today is the big day. Everyone just left the house and headed to the hospital. Mom and Grandma have to check in by 9:30 and then they'll be headed in for the operations. I blogged about the situation before, but just to catch you up if you missed that post, both of them have large holes in their hearts that need to be closed. The holes are causing them to be at high risk for strokes, blood clots, brain damage, and all the awful things you try to avoid if you can.

The doctor read over their MRI results yesterday (they both had scans of their brains done to reveal if any damage had been caused due to their condition). Turns out Mom has a few mini strokes, and Grandma has had many. These mini strokes show up as little white spots on the brain and the MRI can detect these spots.

The good news is that neither of them have suffered major, life altering strokes. Every one they've had has been very small.

The bad news is that once a part of the brain dies, it can never heal or grow back.

The best news is that they are where they should be, in the doctor's care and getting things patched up, literally.

I didn't head down to the hospital yet. My dad and uncle took them both this morning to check in. My two uncles are meeting them there, and I stayed behind to clean up the morning mayhem that attacked my house, feed the dogs, and take a shower before I head down. I didn't want to race down there to sit in the the waiting room. I'm sure I'll be doing a lot of that later today. And besides, the way my brain works, it's better for me to be home and stay busy so I don't go crazy. If I were forced to sit in the waiting room, I'd probably sit there and plague myself with horrible thoughts. I don't need that, and neither do the family members that are able to wait calmly :)

Depending on how things go, I'll post an update when I can. Hoping for the best, so please send your thoughts and prayers our way!

UPDATE: Everything went well. Both Grandma and Mom are doing great, look great, and feel great. Checking out of the hospital this morning. So relieved :)

Paranormal Activity

2009-09-29T14:49:00.006-06:00

I'm a huge fan of scary movies. But before I continue with this post, let me clarify, or define rather, what I think a scary movie is NOT.

A scary movie is NOT:

A slasher film with lots of blood and guts.

A lame ass plot with nothing but idiot bimbos running around in panties (I shudder at that word "panties". I just hate it. Hate typing it, hate saying it, hate it hate it hate it, but it was necessary).

A series of movies that just go on and on with nothing but the same type of plot, same type of killing, same type of garbage (Freddie Krueger, Halloween, Jason, etc...).

Plot so unreal it's impossible to fathom ever happening in real life. PRETEND IS NOT SCARY.

What IS scary:

Thrillers involving real life psycho killers (true stories for a less descriptive way of putting it).

The unexplained.

And paranormal activity.

I have been addicted to and own (even though it scares the living bajeezus outta me) The Discovery Channel series A Haunting, seasons 1, 2, 3, and 4. And all I can say is HOLY CRAP SCARY and AWESOME all at the same time. They took one of the episodes and actually turned it into a movie: "A Haunting in Connecticut" (which turned out so much lamer than the actual documentary because the director and screen writer strayed way off course of the real story).

Anyway, if you're a fan of the paranormal and the real life experiences people have had, I totally recommend watching these episodes. Granted, they are reenactments but they're made documentary style, and the real people involved are interviewed to share their story. Just watch out, not only is it scary, it's addicting.

And because I love this kind of stuff (especially around Halloween time), I'm dying to see this movie: http://www.paranormalmovie.com/trailer.html. The only catch is that this film is only being released in certain cities (Salt Lake is currently not one of them). HOWEVER, you can visit the web site (same link I just posted) and click "DEMAND IT". I myself have demanded it several times. But if you want to make me a happy girl, go and demand it for Salt Lake. And if you're a non Utah resident and want to demand it for your area, that would be okay with me too :)

If you live in a city where they are showing this, please go see it and then tell me all about it (without giving away the good stuff of course). And of course, if you have any wonderful ghost stories, or just spooky in general stories, please share :)

And to coin my favorite phrase (Jen G, you'll love this)...

"Know what would be cool?"

"If this blog was haunted!"

Weekend Recap

2009-09-28T15:50:00.003-06:00

I am exhausted! I need a weekend to recuperate from the weekend!

Michael and I hardly rested. We cleaned, unpacked all the boxes that got shoved into storage upon our move with the intent to "unpack them later" and later finally came.

All I can say is we have a bunch of crap. Take the average person's pile of miscellaneous stuff (you know, the random cords, computer stuff, CD's old VHS tapes, random old cell phones, strange coats, faded blankets, etc...) and multiply that by two. That's right. Take all my stuff, all Michael's stuff, and that is what has been sitting, wait no, actually clogging up the two storage rooms in the basement. So you can guess what our weekend looked like.

Random piles decorated the floor of our basement family room. Piles for charity, piles for recycling, piles that we THINK we're going to keep, piles that we are keeping, and so on. We took four garbage bags full of clothes to the Big Brothers Big Sisters clothing bin, and there's about 12 cardboard boxes sitting in my kitchen waiting to be broken down and recycled.

There's tons of now empty clear rubber maid containers, and plenty more that I don't even want to sort through but need to be.

In addition to the sorting, there was cleaning and decorating. I had to put the last of our guest bedrooms together this weekend because of all the company I'm going to have. Both Mom and Grandma have heart surgery scheduled for this Thursday which means I'm going to have people staying with me. My uncle is flying in from Alaska, both my parents will be here, and then Grandma. So every one of my spare beds are taken (two queens and a twin). I'm so glad I have three guest rooms at the moment. Luckily I still have an office. I knew there was a reason we bought a home with 5 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. It's a lot of cleaning, yes, but it's also a lot of space when you need it.

Anyway, I'm a little nervous for the surgery. I'm a pessimist and can easily sit and think about all the things that can go wrong. Hopefully there won't be anything to worry about. I just need Thursday to be over, and have both Mom and Grandma well on their way to recovery.

At least for now, the house is almost ready for company. Almost.

What's The Point Again?

2009-09-25T15:11:00.003-06:00

Here's a list I started of things that I find totally pointless:

Sick Time- Isn't this just another vacation day? Even if you ARE sick, you're still taking a day away from the office. So why isn't it all just called vacation? A day off is a day off.
Rap Music- Learn proper English. And grammar. Until then, just don't sing, er I mean, attribute to noise pollution.
Leaf Blowers- I was driving to work on this crisp autumn morning and passed a guy standing in the gutter of a street blowing leaves towards the road. The cars whizzing by were blowing the leaves right back into the gutter. Remind me what the point of this leaf blowing contraption is for again?
Black Licorice (which also includes Jagermeister)- nuff said.
Working Fridays- Nobody puts in a REAL full day's worth of work on Friday. It's practically a ghost town around my office, and people aren't participating in work-related chatter whatsoever. So why don't we all subcum to the four-day work week? I for one am all for a 3 day weekend. C'mon, afterall it'll even up the work day/play day score a bit.
Lawn Gnomes and other random yard decorations- Um... they're ugly.
Blog Drama- Seriously, some people have such issues with blogs out there these days. Get over it, if you don't like someone's blog, don't read it. It's not rocket science.
Double Sided Tape- It just makes a mess and never works like it's supposed to.
Call ahead seating- Hi, we don't take reservations, but you can call ahead. Ummm... so if you do that, then why don't you just take a reservation?
Wigs for babies- Yes you read that right. If you don't believe me, google it.

That's all I have for now, but if you'd like to contribute something you think is totally pointless, please do :)

And because it's Friday, have a happy weekend everyone!

Hair, Hair, EVERYWHERE

2009-09-23T11:16:00.002-06:00

I did it. I chopped it off. 6 inches and all it's glory on the floor as I sit there in the salon gazing into a mirror, looking at a person I don't recognize. BUT IT WAS SO COOL.

I have had long hair all my life. But I've needed a change. Two weeks ago I came across a picture in a magazine of a hair style I loved (but it was short). I wanted to try it, but I was freaking out a bit. And then yesterday, something just clicked in my head and I decided I was going to do it. Yup, CHOP IT OFF. Considering how much hair I had, and how thick it is, chop is the correct term here folks. I kept looking at the pile on the floor and tried not to freak out but I almost lost it when my hair stylist said "We could make a wig out of all this hair! LOOK AT HOW MUCH IS ON THE FLOOR!" I snuck a peek but that was all I could handle. I didn't want to cry.

So now it sits just above my shoulders (I'd show you but I'm not anywhere near a camera right now). It's light, it's sassy, and it's provided me with a new feeling. Isn't it funny how refreshed you can feel when you get a new look? I kinda feel like a new person. And it's a good thing :)

Last night as Michael and I were laying in bed watching TV, all these commercials came on for hair products (of course I notice them, now that I'm paying attention). Hair color products, shampoo products, and so forth. And for a second I started to panic. These women all had long, lush, beautiful hair and for a moment, I wanted to put my hand behind my head and feel my long thick curls that were no longer there. So I turned to Michael in a moment of hesitation (a moment too late that is) and asked "Honey, do you think I'm going to regret cutting my hair?"

To which he replied "Yes, you will for now until you get used to it" which is probably the honest truth. That hubby of mine, he knows me so well.

But, when I woke up this morning and went to do my hair, I didn't regret it. I liked looking different for a change. I liked not having to brush my hair forever, and I like not having to put hot rollers in my hair, and then mess with taking them out, and then mess with the curls that didn't curl the right way, and then try to get some volume which was close to impossible because my hair is so thick that when it was that long it was heavy.

Nope, this morning I walked in, ran a brush through it, used a flat iron in a few spots, teased the top a little bit (and it actually stayed because all the weight is off the back), and walked out the door. WHY DIDN'T I DO THIS SOONER?!

Probably because everyone was always complimenting my hair, telling me how beautiful it was, how they wanted my curls, blah blah... it made me hold onto it. But now that I've let it go, I found that people love it. Everyone at work today has complimented me, and that feels great. They seem sincere, (not like, oh we better tell Michelle her hair looks cute because she obviously got a horrible hair cut) and I found that short or long, I am proud of my hair. It is beautiful, and it makes me feel beautiful. And that's okay. We all need something that makes us feel that way right?

Anyway, I'll fire up the digital when I get home and add a pic to the post so you can see/judge for yourself :)

It's the Little Things, I Tell You

2009-09-21T13:38:00.006-06:00

Got a new windshiled this weekend.
Wrote a little song about it. Like to hear it? Here it go:

I can see clearly now the windshield's gone
I can see all obstacles on the road
Gone are the cracks and chips that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright, bright, bright sunshiny day

I think I can drive it now, the car I mean
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Passed inspection, the car is legal now
It's gonna be a bright, bright, bright sunshiny day

Look all around
There's nothing but streak-free glass
Look straight ahead, nothing but blue skyyyy eyyyyye eyye eyyye
eeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeesssssss (that last part makes more sense if you're singing this in your head)

I think I can drive it now, the car I mean
The plates read 10 instead of 09
And if I get pulled over they can't take my car
It's gonna be a bright, bright, bright sunshiny day!

P.S. This song is in no way related to the one you're thinking it is. And I am in no way infringing on any copywright laws. So get over it or I'll blow sunshine up your ass.

Warning: This Is Another Cynical Post

2009-09-18T12:14:00.004-06:00

1.21 Billion

Any guesses on what that number represents?

Here, I'll mention it again with a clue: 1.21 Billion DOLLARS

Still need another clue?

How about this: 1.21 Billion Dollars and football.

If you guessed the cost to build the new Dallas Cowboys football stadium in Texas, then WINNA WINNA CHICKEN DINNA!

Yup, that's right. 1.21 BILLION dollars to build the new stadium for FOOTBALL. Sounds totally crucial doesn't it? I mean I can't possibly think of better ways to spend this money than on a football stadium. It would just be totally asinine to pour this money into the school systems so that classrooms aren't over crowded with students while supplies and text books remain outdated and limited at that.

It doesn't make any sense to provide 1.21 billion dollars to local charities that are trying to clothe and feed the needy (don't tell me there aren't needy people in Texas).

And it certainly doesn't make any sense to take 1.21 billion dollars and invest in medical research to promote finding cures to cancer, aids, heart disease, and other forms of terminal illness.

Nope. That would be crazy talk people.

What we need is football. And not just football, but a new 1.21 billion dollar kick ass stadium in which to play football. A place where a suite for the season will run you $200,000 bucks. Oh you want a suite for longer than a season? As in a lifetime? Okay sure. That'll be 2 million.

Don't worry, we have over 1700 restrooms so you never have to stand in line to pee, and over 800 concession stands to choose from so you never go hungry.

Yup, Dallas Texas has their priorities in order. And that my friends is football. Cuz where would we EVER be without it? And what oh what would we do if we didn't have a brand new, over sized stadium to play in?

What? Play in the old one you say? PSHA! Why would we do something silly like play in an already existing, perfectly fine stadium?

So even though we don't have enough money to educate, feed, clothe, and treat those who suffer from horrible medical issues, by GOD we still have football! That's right, everything is bigger in Texas (including completely idiotic ideas).

The Good Ole Days...

2009-09-17T15:04:00.004-06:00

You know what? I made a pretty good student back in my day. I liked it, I was good at it, and now I miss it. If I could, I think I would be a professional student. I love the environment of college (NOT high school) because of how it encourages personal growth and the exploration of education.

In addition to these things, being on campus provided me the opportunity to socialize WITH REAL PEOPLE! Not cubical infested zombies and arrogant top executives that are only good at perpetrating the issues behind what's wrong with society these days.

I was surrounded by people who were for 1- educated, 2- not brain washed, and 3- constantly working on personal improvements in the world of education and experience.

I miss them. I miss THOSE people. And I miss the social aspect of what that group provided me in terms of support, guidance, and appreciation. It's no wonder people area always saying to the younger generation "These are the best days of your life, so enjoy them!"

They say that because it's true. Those WERE the best days. After you graduate, you're supposed to move on to bigger and better things. I'm sure some have. In ways I have. But I don't consider them bigger and better. I consider them different. And I don't really like it all too much.

I miss things. Things like all my friends who ended up moving away or going their own ways after college. I've lost touch with so many people, and although face book gives us the chance to reconnect, I'd rather have that face to face time that I used to cherish, rather than read an electronic update.

I also miss the days of choir and theater. I had such wonderful creative outlets while in college. I had the means to do what I love. And for some reason, those things fell to the way side after graduation. Not on purpose, I tried to keep up with singing and participating in the arts, but my professional career seemed to take over. And not because I wanted it to, but because it had to. Nobody looks at the person who leaves everyday at 5:00 as someone who wants to move up the career ladder. Everyone is keeping their eyes open for the fool who comes in at 6:30 in the morning and then works through lunch and refuses to leave before 6:30 at night. I hit "unsubscribe" to that way of life long ago. Mainly because I didn't consider it healthy.

I loved that at college, topics changed. And quickly. From semester to semester, life was new, different, exciting. I was learning new things, reading and writing about interesting places, cultures, and my own thoughts were valued and commented on by fellow students and professors. Seems that sometimes in the working world, if you're not at the top, your ideas aren't valued. They are just...well, ideas that don't get executed because someone at the "top" had a better one.

I enjoyed ME more when I was in college. I liked who I was, and I felt valued and appreciated. I went to bed at night feeling enriched. Now I go to bed feeling fatigued and dreading the next day.

I know I tend to complain a lot in my blog, and all I can say is this blog is a reflection of me and what I'm thinking and feeling from day to day. Lately I guess I've been caught up in the corporate rut. Hopefully one day soon, this blog will be filled with posts of a more positive tone, but for today, I'm just missing what I realize now, were the good ole days.

An Apple a Day...

2009-09-16T16:29:00.004-06:00

So to sum it up, things went well at the doctor appointment. But I have to go in and have some lab work done.

Here's what we know so far: I’m anemic (big shocker there). They're going to check iron levels to see how bad things are (they were very low last time and I've been taking major iron doses ever since).

Because of my Mediterranean heritage, I'll be tested for Thalassemia (another form of anemia common in people of Mediterranean decent). And because Michael and I are starting to get ready for future baby, they'll also test to see if I’m a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis. If I am, then they’ll test Michael to see if he is, and then we’ll have a good idea what our changes of giving birth to a child with Cystic Fibrosis would be. Our doctor wants us to have this information BEFORE we make the decision to have Michael's vasectomy reversed. Which I think is a great thing.

Michael will have to endure some testing too. Basically, if a man has had a vasectomy for x amount of years, the body can start to recognize the sperm as an intrusion in the body and start producing antibodies (much like when you get a regular cold and your body starts to fight it off). Because it’s been over eight years for Michael, he'll endure some tests that will determine if his body has started to produce the antibody. If it has, then we won’t bother paying for a reversal, but rather, we’ll just extract sperm and do artificial insemination (if the sperm is okay).

If we end up exploring the artificial insemination route and that doesn’t end up working, we could explore the option of In Vitro Fertilization (if/when we have the budget to pay for it). But I don’t feel like it’ll come to that. My guess is that we’ll either end up doing the reversal or the artificial insemination. The tests will tell.

Other than that I talked to her a little bit about The CRAZY I had been dealing with, and the restless leg syndrome that has been driving me insane (which my doc mentioned could be related to the anemia). The RLS keeps me up at night and I haven’t been sleeping well for months. Doc wants to try and combat that first because she said if we could get me to a point that I’m sleeping, I’ll probably feel much better and won’t be dealing with the Crazy. I didn’t know how closely the two were related, but it makes sense. If you’re not sleeping then you’re cranky as shit and everything seems harder and/or worse. So we’ll see how that goes. For now, I’m on major iron doses and if that doesn’t stop the RLS, we’ll be adding additional medication.

So yeah, I'll post again once I've completed my labs and have the results. I know you are all fascinated to know my medical history :)

Even Though the Biological Clock Isn't Quite Ticking Just Yet

2009-09-14T15:45:00.005-06:00

So tomorrow's the big day. Headed to the doctor for my annual appointment (oh fun) and Michael is coming with me so we can talk with the doctor about our future potential in terms of starting a family.

Things are going to be a little more complicated for us than they are for the typical wife and hubby in the regards to the fact that Michael had a vasectomy about 8 years ago. Therefore, before we can head down the yellow brick road to parent-dome, we have to get his plumbing hooked up, and working.

Supposedly, it takes about a year for things to heal and start functioning (with swimmers intact). We're really not looking to start a family SOON, but sooner than later. And, knowing that we first have to save money to pay for this procedure, and then wait about a year for everything to be in full swing, we figured now would be a good time to start the ball rolling in terms of planning, saving, and getting prepared.

Hopefully we don't run into any other complications along the way. This is going to be expensive enough (about 5 to 10K depending on the amount of scar tissue) and I'm hoping we're lucky enough that this works so we don't have to inquire about artificial insemination. Lord knows I'd lose my mind with quadruplets.

I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it, but for now, we're starting with a simple doctor's appointment and will hopefully be a simple conversation with the doctor.

Where Were You?

2009-09-11T11:23:00.004-06:00

I can't believe it has been eight years since the horrible tragedy of September 11th struck our nation. It's crazy to think so much time has gone by and so much has happened in my life, and yet, it feels like yesterday. I can remember every detail of that morning.

I was getting up for the morning, preparing to head to my Spanish class on campus when my phone rang. "Turn on your TV, we're under attack!"

This is all I heard and I struggled to understand the words because I had just gotten up, and was still somewhat groggy. But I made my way over to the little 13" TV in my room and started to view what looked like could only happen in movies. Crazy.

Phone rang again. It was my friend Darla (who always blows things out of proportion) but she was in a panic yelling "Don't go to school today!"

The strange thing about the whole situation is that I wanted to go to school that day. I wasn't afraid because really, when is something like this ever going to happen to little ole Utah? I know I shouldn't say that, because really, something this horrible could happen at any given moment. But for some reason, I felt safe in Utah. Far far away from the horror happening on the east coast. And I wanted, needed to go to school that day to be with others. I didn't want to stay home alone in my apartment with the TV on. I wanted to be on campus surrounded by my friends, with people to talk to about the strange and horrific events that were occurring.

I remember driving to campus and looking up at the sky. Not a plane in site. The sky was completely empty. It was an odd, ghost-town like feeling.

I arrived on campus and went to my 9:00 Spanish class. My teacher was so flabbergasted at what was going on that she just stood up in front of the class talking about how awful this was. Then she started talking about things that had happened in her own country, when she was a little girl. She lived in Central America and had seen horrible things. But somehow, what she had seen didn't compare to what I saw that morning, in my own country. On American soil. I remember my teacher so upset and frustrated with the whole thing that she was rambling on and on slipping back and forth from Spanish to English.

When class got out, I went over to the student center and gathered around the big screen in the lobby with other students. We sat there and watched CNN for probably three hours. I don't remember much else from that day. I know I called my family. Even though they too were safe in Utah, I needed to hear their voices and tell them I loved them.

What is so strange to think about is that Michael, who I obviously didn't know at the time, was in Washington DC working just across the water way at the Marine Corps Museum. He was close enough to see the smoke. He was there. Where one of the planes had hit. I had no idea then, how connected I would be to this tragedy. Had I been married to Michael then, knowing how close he was, I'm sure I would have had a much different experience on that day.

Later that same year in March, I visited Ground Zero. There was nothing to see other than a pit of rubble, and two old iron beams that remained in the form of a cross after the towers fell. I was lucky enough to see the towers in 1994 and 1996 when I had visited previously. I have personal photos taken of New York's beautiful, but now altered, skyline. And in 2002, I saw what was no longer there.

I know I'll tell my children about this. I know one day they'll come home from history class and open the pages of their text book up and there will be a picture of the towers burning, and the rubble that would soon follow their collapse. I know they'll ask me what I was doing that day, and if I remember. And I do remember. And they'll ask me where I was and I'll tell them I was safe in Salt Lake. And then they'll ask Daddy where he was, and he'll have to tell him how close he was, and what he saw. And they too will realize how they are connected to something that happened before they were even born.

I do remember. And I always will.

This Post Begs the Question: What Did I Do Last Night?

2009-09-10T15:41:00.005-06:00

Um-- I am in pain. Lot's of pain. Pain that reminds me why I don't drink anymore. I'm experiencing a medical hang over.

Yesterday I had to take an oral sedative prior to the dentist appointment. I wasn't feeling much on my way there, and I even told my husband that they'd better be planning on giving me more because I wasn't phased in the least.

And give me more they did.

I had three more pills crushed up and placed under my tongue once there. And then the gas. The last thing I remember was the dentist giving me a shot to numb me and I didn't feel it, nor care what he was doing. The next thing I remember was being at home watching a DVD with my hubby.

I guess I slept all the way home. Michael put me into bed around 4:30 and I woke up around 8:30. Apparently I went downstairs and he made me mac n cheese, I drank a Dr. Pepper, and then we watched some more episodes of a TV serious we have on DVD.

I don't remember anything other than going to the dentist, and watching TV before bed. I emailed Michael this morning to ask him what all happened last night because I didn't remember, but that I was SURE he had made mac n cheese. I just wanted to verify that I hadn't made the whole thing up in my head.

Today I feel horrible. I'm fighting the urge to spew all over this key board. I'm clammy, sweaty, worn out, and my head feels like someone struck me with a baseball bat. Oh, and my mouth hurts. Cold water is killing my back molars on the left side, and I can't chew with them either. Therefore I look like a chipmunk when eating.

I think next time I'll fore go the cavities, the cleanings, and everything else. Give me veneers (or dentures) cuz at this point, I'm DONE with the dentist.

Oye vey